read time: this is a long one…
My 30th birthday is in 4 days.
So far, I’m not having major existential “quarter life crises” about leaving my 20’s.
I’ve heard stories about how turning 30 can cause you to feel “behind” on some life goals, and luckily this hasn’t been as relevant for me.
While an old version of myself may be surprised by this: I no longer feel worried about pressures to stick to a timeline (example: married by 30, baby by 32, first home by 35, etc.) because I find all of it to be completely arbitrary.
Working on releasing this pressure to have things figured out by a certain timeline has allowed me to lean into seeing how things go, and trusting however they go is okay.
Phew—it’s a sigh of relief when I can remember to release expectations and the need to control things, because it doesn’t always happen.
I’m actually pretty excited for my 30’s.
My 20’s were filled with a lot of growth…but also a lot of overthinking and self-doubt.
“Am I doing life right?”
“Am I doing ‘enough’?”
“Is this the right relationship?”
Now, turning 30 will not magically wipe my brain clean of these thoughts or questions, but I’m confident that everything I’ve learned in my 20’s will help me move through it with more confidence and trust.
I also started therapy again yesterday with a therapist who I’m verrrrry optimistic about and comes recommended from a trusted mentor and friend.
I’ve been in and out of therapy in my 20’s and haven’t quite found the person who I click with and who will be a longer-term relationship, not just a short-term stint.
I want someone who’s willing to roll up their sleeves and really dive deep with me so I can continue growing.
In order to be my best self for me, Nate, my family + friends, and my clients + online communities—I know allowing myself to receive guidance and support is hugely important.
I was feeling a little sentimental leading up to my birthday and wanted to reflect on 20 things I learned in my 20’s.
One, to document this for myself, but two to share these lessons in the effort that they can help be reminders for you (at any age, really!).
Some of them are related to love and relationships, others are more “life lessons.”
And in no way by me learning them does it mean I show up perfectly all the time with these lessons top of mind.
I learn them over and over again, further reminding me of their importance.
I think that’s kinda how life works…but, I still have a lot to learn ;-)
Note: these lessons are not shared in any particular order of relevance, either.
Alright…let’s get into it
1 - The grass is not greener on the other side, the grass is greener where we water it
When Nate and I first moved to Sweden, I was sharing a LOT of cute Malmo photos + more about our new life here.
I would receive DM’s saying “omg, so jealous” or “living the dream!!!”—and from the outside looking in, that may be true.
But I didn’t post the moments of being homesick, missing friends and family events, frustrations with setting up a new business in a new country where I don’t speak the language, or freezing my butt off for half the year, lol.
Malmo is truly incredible in so many ways, and I’m beyond glad Nate and I decided to come. It feels like a second home for us, and we’ve grown so much as a couple since we got here.
AND, it’s not automatically the “dream life” simply because we live in Europe. I still do mundane things like laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping. I still have hard moments, just like I would at home. I’m still human, no matter where I live.
I’d be remiss if I also didn’t weave in a relationship example here. I used to ask myself all the time “what if I’d be happier in another relationship?” If you do this too, please know you’re not alone, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a tempting narrative, really.
However, I can’t tell you how many messages I have received of people saying “I thought things with my ex weren’t good, but now that I am in a new relationship, I wonder what if things really would be better with me ex?” Or “I thought being in a new relationship with someone who was more like [this] would make me feel less anxious but I’m slowly feeling anxiety come back anyways.”
Abuse and major incompatibilities aside, if you’re in a healthy loving relationship but constantly think you’d be happier in another one, I encourage you to pause and notice if this is something you tend to do in all areas of your life, too.
Because it may be that instead of needing a new relationship, you may need to slowly unravel grass-is-greener mentality…
It’s pretty damn hard to feel grateful and appreciative of what you do have when you’re wondering if someone else has it better. This is something I’ve learned time and time again in my 20’s (and I’m sure I will continue to learn in my 30’s).
2 - Life isn’t black-and-white, it’s many shades of gray
This lesson has really been hammered home to me in the last couple years. My mind used to always think in binaries:
Good, or bad.
Happy, or sad.
Right, or wrong.
In love, or not.
Democrat, or Republican.
There was no middle ground or realizing that two competing things can coexist.
And it got me into some trouble because I was constantly analyzing myself, situations, people, thoughts as “one thing” or “the other.”
If I wasn’t 100% in love all the time, my relationship was bad.
If someone voted for this person, they must also believe this.
If you believe this, you are bad or wrong.
I used to dislike when Nate would “devil’s advocate” my extreme binary thinking to propose alternate ideas, because I thought my way was right. Blehhh.
I’m slowly learning to make room for being wrong or unsure about something because it was EXHAUSTING to think like this.
In the last two years since moving to Sweden, I thankfully have gradually shifted out of this way of thinking about the world.
Which leads me to my next lesson:
3 - Getting outside of our own bubbles to get space and understand different perspectives or ways of life can help us grow
At the risk of ruffling feathers, because I know this topic is sensitive—one of the most fascinating things about moving to Sweden was the differences in the way they handled covid.
There were no mask mandates, and the second Nate and I got here in January 2021, we quickly noticed that wearing masks was not the norm.
Back in the states, the narrative from many media outlets and leaders was “if you are not wearing a mask, you are endangering others and yourself.” Of course, not everyone felt this way, but being in my black-and-white, good-or-bad binary thinking, I wanted to do the “right thing” and wear my mask.
And when I would go out in public anywhere, I wore a mask, but also felt scared and anxious about covid, too. Seeing everyone wearing masks was not the norm before the pandemic, of course, and this major change would lead to base levels of fear (I know I am not alone there).
When we got to Sweden and no longer were required to wear masks, something bizarre and unexpected happened: I felt SAFER. I felt more at ease. I wasn’t on-edge worrying if I would get covid.
This is just one example of how getting out of the bubble I was in allowed me to see from a different lens.
Ironically, the 9 months I was in Sweden in 2021, I never got covid, and the one time I did get covid was back in the states when I was home visiting.
All this to say, when I was back home it would have been easy for me to see news from Sweden and think “wow, how dangerous, what are they thinking not mandating masks?” And then actually being here it was completely different.
Without putting yourself in a new situation, it’s hard to know what it would be like.
Judging from the outside is easy (and I still get stuck here a lot…), but going to actually do the thing and see for yourself is not so easy, yet can reap many rewards.
4 - People can add happiness to our life, but they are not responsible for making us happy
Disney and Nicholas Sparks really did a number on me in my teens and early 20’s.
One of the biggest reasons I had relationship anxiety was because I expected that “Nate should make me happy”
If I wasn’t feeling happy, fulfilled, grateful, in love, attracted, joyful, at ease, content, confident—it must have been because I wasn’t in the “right” relationship with the “right” person making me feel those things, yeah?
Well, maybe not so much…
I finally have come to terms with the fact that I am responsible for cultivating my own happiness, fulfillment, gratitude, love, attraction (to life…not just Nate), ease, contentment, and confidence—and Nate gets to be my biggest supporter and cheerleader on the way.
This is also true of friendships, relationships with family, or anyone in your life.
We can allow them to add to our life without making them responsible. This is a recipe for strong relationship dynamics.
On the flip side, expect others to be responsible for making us feel a certain way is a recipe for resentment.
As cheesy as it sounds, when we focus on filling up our own cup, we have a lot more to “pour” into our relationships with others.
5 - How we feel directly affects how we perceive the world around us, including how we view relationships in our life
When I am anxious, I look at the world from a fear-based lens: what is going on that could mess things up? Is anyone doing anything “wrong” that I should look out for? How can I be on alert?
This can show up as me micro-managing Nate, being impatient with my family, or feeling irritated by something trivial: the line at the grocery store.
When I am grounded, I look at the world from an accepting lens, which leads to me noticing what’s going on without needing to react to it. I’m not analyzing, I’m aware.
And from this place, I show up as me listening to Nate to actually hear what he’s saying, not to try and get a point across, allowing my family to act however they want without needing to react or control, and shrugging off the line at the grocery store because I have no control over it, anyway.
This can also apply to how you feel about yourself.
Feeling self-critical? Perhaps you will be more critical of others.
Feeling unattractive? Perhaps you will nitpick your partner’s appearance.
Feeling out of control? Perhaps you will try to control your surroundings.
It’s allll connected.
Earlier this week, when I had feelings of self-judgment and perfectionist pressure—a big cry was JUST what I needed. I felt the feelings, and then once they cleared, I instantly felt lighter.
I noticed just how much my inner dialogue affected how I was viewing my relationship and things with work. It was pretty fascinating to watch unfold.
Knowing this lesson is helpful in an effort to gain more awareness of your patterns and feelings at any given moment - not to analyze them but to simply notice.
With this awareness, you can choose to give yourself compassion, not be hard on yourself.
Don’t use what you learn against you, use it to help you.
6 - There is magic in the mundane
We live in a world where we never need to be bored anymore.
There’s always a new social media post to see, a new show to watch, a new to-do list item to check off, a new event to attend.
And this can lead to us feeling like we have to be constantly DOING.
Before the pandemic, my calendar was always booked.
Gym before work, full work day, meet up with friends or spend time with my roommates after work, sleep, and repeat. My weekends were spent making plan after plan after plan, and if I had a low-key weekend, I felt like I had “wasted my time.”
The pandemic forced me to slow down. Some days, all I did was go for a long walk and read a book.
Talk about a major change of pace.
Slowing down almost feels like an act of rebellion, and it can feel very uncomfortable. If we slow down, it means we have to be alone with our feelings, and for many (and myself included), that can be hard to do.
But those boring, slow, almost mundane moments are so necessary.
Without the mundane or boring moments, we don’t appreciate the exciting ones as much.
If we are constantly excited and stimulated—that becomes the norm, and we need MORE AND MORE excitement and stimulation to “keep up.”
Allowing myself the gift of slowing down and appreciating the slow, mundane moments more has reminded me that they have magic in them, too.
Now, my life in Malmo moves at a much slower pace and I have grown to look forward to a low-key weekend with minimal plans.
I even started reading fiction books again in the last few years, something I hadn’t done in a while because they were also a “waste of time” since I wasn’t “learning anything”—as if that’s the only purpose for reading!
I no longer view being bored as this terrible thing—in my own life or within my relationship, and it’s quite the relief.
7 - We don’t have to love ourself before we can love someone else, but the more we love ourself (or even LIKE ourself), the more we can love (and like) others
The advice “you have to love yourself before you love someone else” used to trigger me, because I knew damn well that I didn’t fully love myself.
Fully loving and accepting myself is not (at least in my opinion, I can only assume others relate). It’s something I am very excited to go deeper into with my new therapist, because I am wayyyyy too hard on myself.
The belief “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else” led me to believe that unless I fully loved myself, I could not love Nate well, which led me to believe that I may have to leave my relationship and work on myself before I could be a good partner.
Thankfully, I have shifted out of this thinking and realized that being in a relationship doesn’t hold me back from learning to love myself better.
If anything, having someone reflect back their love for me can be a nice reminder when I'm being overly critical towards myself…
AND—now that I am no longer triggered by the advice, I can step back and see there is some truth in it.
When you can accept your full self—your strengths and your weaknesses, the choices you’ve made in the past, and trust that you are a human doing their very best in the world, you can do the same for others.
You can accept that they won’t always be perfect, that they will have their own strengths and weaknesses, and see their humanity, even if they don’t always act in the way you’re expecting.
When I accept my full self, I can accept Nate’s full self more easily.
This is a work-in-progress, but I’m finally starting to connect the dots with this lesson, and can’t wait to expand on it in the next decade.
8 - Humans are a lot more alike than we think—we’re hardly ever alone in something we’re experiencing
Before You Love and You Learn existed, I thought I must be the only person who had ever questioned their loving healthy relationship.
I never saw anyone talking about it, and felt so isolated.
Come to find, that when I started sharing my story on this blog and on social media, I realized that people resonated.
At first it was dozens.
Then it was hundreds.
Then it was thousands.
Now, it’s hundreds of thousands (between Instagram + TikTok).
And all this time, those people were there thinking and feeling the same things as I was all along—I just didn’t have the evidence.
By being human, we inherently have things in common:
We have fears.
We have insecurities.
We have ups + downs.
Our beliefs and life experiences may differ, but fears and insecurities don’t discriminate—they exist in all of us.
Remembering I am not alone in being human is comforting as heck, so I try to remind myself of this often, especially if I am stuck in a comparison thinking someone else has it “better off.”
Which leads me to my next lesson:
9 - Comparison is the thief of joy, every dang time
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been having a lovely day, then I check social media and see a post of someone who I perceive to be “doing life better than me”—and feel crappy.
Cue a comparison trap that steals my joy.
It always is funny to me that had I not seen said post, I would not be feeling crappy.
We feel crappy not because of our current situation per se, but rather because our current situation now feels like it’s “less than” someone else’s, and feeling “less than” sucks.
So what the heck do we do about this? I don’t think that never comparing ourselves to others is a reasonable expectation…yet, there needs to be some awareness that often, the comparisons tend to be unfair and maybe even exaggerated.
Example of an unfair comparison: comparing your relationship dynamics to…literally anyone else’s. Why? Because no two relationships are the same, and thus all relationship dynamics will be slightly unique to the people in the relationship.
Example of an exaggerated comparison: comparing your levels of happiness in a relationship. Why? Because, we may see a social media feed filled with laughter and joy and professional photos, but we don’t see the challenges in the background, and all we see if our own challenges behind-the-scenes. Thus, we end up exaggerating someone else’s happiness, minimizing their challenges, and maximizing our challenges.
Compare our behind-the-scenes to someone else’s rosy-colored glasses life is fairly predictable in how it will make us feel.
When you catch yourself comparing, try to remind yourself that you don’t know what it’s like to trade shoes with another person, and trust that in their shoes, there are a whole unique set of challenges and fears happening.
We don’t get to cherry-pick the good things about someone’s life—we get it allll.
This lesson has come up for my hundreds of times, and I anticipate it coming up many more.
10 - No one has a “perfect life roadmap” which applies to everyone in the same way
I love a good checklist.
“Do these things and get this result.”
It feels so nice and tidy.
But here’s the thing—life isn’t like that.
What works for one person may not work for another. We’re all so different.
There is also not one “right” way to live.
What makes one person happy may make another sad, and vice versa.
So instead of looking for the “right” way to do something, and the “right” path to follow, it feels a lot better for me to try and get better at tuning into what will make sense for ME, uniquely.
Someone may say “here are the 5 things I’ve done to get me where I am,” and another person may have 5 totally different things. Both are right for them. Both may not be right for me.
It’s up to me to try things and decide for myself. And same for you :)
This especially applies to relationship advice. I know I know, kinda ironic coming from a relationship anxiety coach, but I do my best to remind you all the time that my way of doing something is not the only way, and to think about what makes sense for YOU.
My intention is never to say “this is the path forward” but to help you discover your own path.
Be wary of advice that feels one-size-fits-all without any additional nuances explained.
Unfortunately, that happens a lot on social media where there isn’t as much room to expand.
Just know that you are the best person to determine how your life will look, no one else.
11 - Uncertainty is inevitable
I used to think that if I could guarantee future outcomes, I would have no reason to be worried.
If I had a time machine and could look into the future and know for sure that Nate and I would last, I could relax.
Well, I don’t get that time machine, and no one else does either!
Life is constantly changing, moment to moment, day to day.
In March 2020, I was working in a corporate job, living in Virginia.
A couple years later, I now have my own business and live in Sweden. What?!
No one could have predicted that.
Now, that example feels easy to look back on because it is “working out well” so to speak, but there have been a lot of uncertain moments along that path where I had no idea what would happen, and had to trust the process.
Here’s another example. Relationship anxiety likes to ask “well, how do I KNOW that my partner is The One?”
And the answer is: you don’t know.
You can confidently guess, or not so confidently guess, but you don’t get certainty.
You find out if someone was The One when you live a lifetime with them by your side. And if you don’t live a lifetime with them by your side, that doesn’t mean you failed, or could have “predicted it wouldn’t work.”
If you could have actually predicted the future, you would have, and you would have done something different.
All of this to say, it’s okay not to know what life will look like. It should be expected.
The ironic part about all of this is that when we can lean into uncertainty and accept that it’s always going to be present, we feel less afraid of it.
By accepting uncertainty is there, we feel more at ease.
Sounds counterintuitive, but it’s been my experience (and many of my private coaching clients).
Instead of trying to make uncertainty go away, practice accepting it.
No one knows what the future will bring, so you’re in very good company with everyone else on the planet in not knowing how their lives will turn out.
11 - Love is an action and a practice, not just a feeling
I always used to think love was a feeling.
“Shouldn’t I FEEL more in love right now?”
“Shouldn’t I FEEL butterflies all the time, and that means I love Nate?”
“If I don’t FEEL as much love as I used to in the beginning, that means ‘I fell out of love’…”
But if you really think about it, feelings are not permanent.
Can you think of a time when you felt irritated? Perhaps someone cut you off in traffic. How long did the irritation stick around for? Are you still feeling it right now as you read this?
How about a time when you felt happy? Perhaps you achieved a goal you’d been wanting to, or you tried something new and really enjoyed it. How long did the happiness last? Are you still feeling it right now as you read this?
As I sit here writing this, I’m not thinking back to past irritations or past happy memories, and I highly doubt you are, either.
So if these feelings have come and gone—why do we expect a “feeling” of love to be present 24/7? (Besides seeing that in the movies and reading it in romance novels).
It is an expectation that sets us up for failure, especially when other feelings like sadness, anger, fear are present, which get in the way of our loving “feeling.”
I’ve come to believe that feelings come and go, but no matter how we feel, we can choose to act in loving ways, and that is something we must practice time and time again: showing up from a place of love, not fear.
The cool part is, once we continue practice giving and receiving love more, we can trust that our love for someone is “always there” internally as a baseline (ex: family, friend, partner) even if we don’t always feel loving in that moment.
When I view love as an action, and a practice, it feels much more attainable, not some elusive and undefinable feeling that I should be chasing more of.
12 - Allowing ourselves to receive help, support, guidance, and mentorship is a massive strength. We don’t have to figure it all out on our own.
In the past few years, I have gotten A TON of help.
Business coaches.
Relationship mentors.
Therapists.
Social media coaches.
Legal + administrative business support.
& not to mention the bajillion podcasts, books, and other resources I have leaned on in my 20’s to help guide me.
Trying to figure everything out on our own because we think we “should” know how to do it blocks us in a massive way.
We all have limits and blind spots—and others may be able to push us (safely) past our limits and reveal our blind spots in ways we simply cannot do on our own.
Whether it’s as simple as reading this blog post, or whether it’s working with a coach or therapist, allowing yourself to receive new ideas is a strength, not a weakness.
13 - “I’ll be happy when…” is a trap
As cliche as this sounds, when we value the destination over the journey, we are on a slippery slope.
Because when we arrive at the destination, suddenly a new destination emerges on the horizon for us to chase after.
It can turn into a never-ending cycle.
Many people put off their happiness until [xyz] happens.
…until their relationship anxiety goes away.
…until they lose 15 pounds.
…until they get a pay raise at work.
…until their next vacation.
…until they finally figure out what they’re passionate about in life.
Whatever the [xyz] is for you that you’re waiting for—I’m not here to poo poo that goal or vision.
However, I’m here to share from my own experience that “getting there” isn’t going to change all that much.
The quote “wherever you go, there you are” rings true here.
Whenever your relationship anxiety begins to go away, if you’re still so focused on “what’s next”—you may have a whole new list of things you want to improve in the relationship before you can REALLY be happy.
When you lose the 15 pounds, if you’re still so focused on “what’s next”—you may try to convince yourself that now you can only REALLY be happy if you get a 6-pack to go along with it, too.
When you get a pay raise at work, if you’re still so focused on “what’s next”—you may immediately set your sights on the next time you can get a raise or promotion because you have another financial goal to hit.
You catching my drift?
None of this is to say that these goals or destinations are bad or wrong. We all have them to a degree. I still tend to think ahead a lot more than I allow myself to be present in the moment—I’m working on it.
However, if we are not enjoying our relationship, our fitness routine, our job, or our life AT ALL along the way while we strive for these goals, what makes us think that we will enjoy them when we do hit the goal?
Similar to the grass-is-greener mindset lesson, I’ve learned that if I can’t find any happiness along the journey, I likely won’t find it at the end of the destination.
In this example, it’s the “I’ll be happy when” mentality that may need to shift, not the goals themselves.
Because if we can release the “I’ll be happy when” and shift into “how can I find enjoyment along the way?”—a whole new set of opportunities open up to us.
14 - Trying to be perfect is a losing battle
I remember a silly story that perfectly captures my inner perfectionist.
When I first started You Love and You Learn’s Instagram, I had a consistent pattern on my feed. Photo, light pink graphic, photo, dark pink graphic.
The first time I “messed” up this pattern by accident, I was so irritated.
Then I quickly realized—WHO CARES.
I’m trying to make something look perfect, and that’s not the goal of my Instagram page: how it looks.
It’s how it makes people FEEL.
While that example is so minor, thinking we need to show up perfectly can trickle into our work, our relationships, and how we operate day to day.
Perfection is a myth.
There’s no such thing, because we all have a different definition of what “perfect” would be anyways, and we can’t control other people’s perceptions of us.
In my 30’s, I hope to make more space for imperfection.
15 - Expectations are a lose-lose. It’s hard to release them completely, but noticing when our expectations lead us to feel disappointed can help us examine if the expectations were fair to begin with.
Here’s the thing with expectations.
If something goes to plan, you feel satisfied.
If something doesn’t go to plan, you feel disappointed.
Neither of those are all that exciting.
On the other hand, if you don’t know what to expect and something ends up turning out better than you could have imagined…there’s no better feeling.
It’s really freakin’ hard to release expectations.
I constantly find myself fantasizing about how something will go, or worrying about how it may turn out.
I’m usually exaggerating how something will go in an overly positive or overly negative light.
Both are illusions, because I have no insight into the future of how something will actually go until I get there.
Nate often reminds me that whatever happens will happen.
My expectations of an event or person don’t influence the event or person.
They just keep me up in my head instead of being open to the possibilities.
Try to notice if you’re constantly disappointed, and if so-check in on why that may be. What expectations are you placing on someone or something that are leading you to feel disappointed? Are they fair?
Note: this does not mean we should not enforce boundaries or accept abusive behavior from someone because we’ve “released our expectations of them.”
16 - Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude (thank you Brené Brown for this one)
Gratitude is thrown around a lot lately—it’s become a buzzword.
Gratitude is also something that doesn’t come naturally to me most days.
Most days, I am more focused on checking off things from my to-do list than sitting back and appreciating what I have.
Balancing these two seemingly opposite things is hard: growth + acceptance.
On one hand, trying to improve or evolve.
On the other, trying to remind yourself of all the amazing things you already have.
It’s not a balance I have perfectly achieved, and I’m not sure there even is a perfect balance of these two competing ideas.
But, all of this to say, I know that gratitude can be hard.
I know how much I have to be grateful for, and yet some days I don’t always feel like it.
Brené Brown shares that instead of thinking of gratitude as an attitude, where we either have it it don’t have it, we can think of it as a practice.
Something we have to actively cultivate, not just hope it shows up.
Throughout my 20’s, I’ve tried many different gratitude practices, and found that some have “stuck” more than others.
I’ve come to realize that when I am not in the most grateful mood, trying to force myself to feel grateful for things I know I “should” feel grateful for (a roof over my head, loving friends and family, Nate, etc.) feels inauthentic. Forcing myself to write a gratitude list in those moments isn’t the vibe that works for me.
However, when I can push myself slightly to look for small things I am ACTUALLY feeling grateful for in that moment (a snuggly blanket by me, a 30 minute break in between meetings to relax, a funny meme), my attitude shifts and I’m more aware of the bigger things in my life that (of course) I am grateful for.
Additionally, if I AM in a more grateful mood, and I notice it, I try to practice sharing it directly. “I’m grateful for you” goes a long way to someone in your life.
Gratitude being a practice, not an attitude, feel relieving to me in the same way of love being an action and practice, not a feeling.
It means it’s something that I have power to influence, not just wait around for.
And that feels pretty cool.
17 - By creating safety in our body, we often feel less fear in our mind
When our body is in fight or flight mode, its focus is finding safety + protection.
Thus, trying to think our way out of anxiety further perpetuates the anxiety we're experiencing.
The way to interrupt anxiety cycles is through connecting to the body.
I had to learn what connecting to the body even meant, and it’s been something I try to practice a lot more now.
In my experience, getting out of my head and back into my body is when:
I no longer feel like there are a million things going on up in my mind.
The “problem” I needed to solve did not feel as urgent or big.
My body relaxes & I feel more present, not looking back into the past or ahead into the future.
There are many ways to get out of our head and back into our body. Some of them seem simple, but they’re sometimes hard to remember in the moment and it takes practice to use them consistently.
The breath and the senses are two that are available to you at any moment.
We don't want a 10-step solution during a moment of high stress, but rather a simple one that we can use at any moment, and the breath is a great tool for that reason.
You may need to spend 5, or 10, or even 15 minutes using a breathing technique before you notice it beginning to help regulate your nervous system. That's okay.
Another way to get out of your mind and back into your body and into the present moment is by using your senses.
The 5,4,3,2,1 technique helps bring you back into the space around you via your senses. Use it to come back to the present and refocus on what's happening right here right now, and repeat as many times as needed (see comments for 5-4-3-2-1 explanation).
"Getting back into your body" is likely not something that instantly clicks and you never have to practice it again, it's a consistent practice.
I still am working on getting out of my mind and back into my body regularly and I have to remind myself often that I can't think my way out of my anxiety.
We can absolutely shift out of the anxiety spirals that overtake us if we gain awareness and use the tools we have (such as breath and our senses). If you have trouble using these on your own, I recommend a trauma therapist or somatic expert to help guide you.
18 - Growth isn’t linear, and that’s okay
Taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back doesn’t mean you’re doing life wrong.
It means that you’re human.
Trust that all of life’s ebbs and flows are part of the process.
19 - What we resist, persists
Trying to make feelings or thoughts “go away” ultimately make them feel stronger and more powerful.
This was very true when it came to my relationship anxiety.
I thought I could shove it down, distract myself, and it would naturally just dwindle.
This ended up making it worse because I wasn’t facing it head-on.
Finally acknowledging that it, learning more about it, and sharing my story openly helped me immensely.
Sometimes (okay, maybe a lot) the thing we’re resisting and so afraid of in the first place isn’t even as bad as we’re making it out to be.
I thought “anxiety in my relationship means I have to break up” which made me resist it more.
Yet, acknowledging the anxiety didn’t cause me to break up with Nate, it did the opposite.
Whatever you’re afraid of peeling back the curtain on in your life—it may not be as “bad” as you expect :)
20 - I still have so much to learn…
Last, but definitely not least, something I learned in my 20’s is I still have so much to learn.
There have been times where I liked to think I “knew it all”:
I don’t need your ideas because I have my own.
I don’t need you to tell me about this topic because I’ve done my research.
I don’t need to know anything else because my mind is made up.
Talk about being stubborn and closed off!
It’s humbling to realize how little you know.
In my 30’s, I aim to continue showing up as a student to life, trying to soak in as much as I can.
Being a know-it-all isn’t fun to me anymore, even though it can be hard to get out of that pattern.
I can’t wait to see what new lessons and ideas I pick up in the next decade…
If you made it this far—thank you for being here.
That was a longggg one.
Sometimes I get a bit carried away, but it was nice to get this written down.
You Love and You Learn has been one of my favorite things to come out of the past 10 years, and you reading this means the world to me.
