This week, I wanted to write free-form without any ‘topic’ other than to reflect.
We’re 2/3 of the way done with 2020, and what a freaking year it has been.
Much has changed for me professionally, emotionally and relationally.
It seems like collectively, 2020 is testing all of us. It’s forcing us to level up and grow in ways we never thought possible.
As a country, the United States has been experiencing many challenges and divides. It feels like as the year has progressed, we’ve gotten more and more bad news that leaves everyone feeling anxious and uncertain for the future.
So as someone who tends to feel anxiety and uncertainty for the future during a ‘normal’ year—it’s safe to say 2020 has been quite the ride.
But with that said, while I have certainly experienced challenges this year, I’ve also been presented with new opportunities for growth.
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Earlier this year, I experienced peak levels of anxiety and relationship anxiety.
And yet, somehow, these times where I felt the lowest were the ones that led to major breakthroughs.
The low moments were the ones that sent me down a journey of healing, and a journey of un-learning beliefs that no longer serve me.
The low moments led to some of the highest moments in my year and in my life.
As I begin to reflect, I can say without a doubt that:
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For every challenge experienced this year, there was so much to be grateful for
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For everything that was lost or put on pause this year, there was more that was gained
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And for every injustice that bubbled up to the surface this year, I can see how much community, strength, and compassion was created as a result
While 2020 has thrown many curveballs, it’s also been one of the most transformational years of my life.
Here’s why…
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Let’s take it back to the start of this whirlwind of a year. In March COVID-19 hit the travel + hospitality industry hard.
Like, really hard.
Hilton (where I work) furloughed 75% of their corporate employees as a result, because let’s face it—no one was traveling. It made complete sense from a business standpoint, and yet when the news first sunk in, I had absolutely no idea what to do.
What the heck does one do during 3 months (which later became 6 months) of free time, while also stuck inside during a global pandemic?
As things started to slow down, I realized just how much my busy, jam-packed schedule had been distracting me.
My busyness was protecting me from sitting with my feelings.
I was running around so much, that I had forgotten how to slow my roll, and just listen to my body + mind.
That was all about to change. I was about to get a taste of what my restless mind had to say…
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One silver lining that came out of COVID-19 was my ability to head down to Richmond, VA to spend time with Nate. After just over 3 years of doing long-distance, we finally had the chance to live together for more than a long weekend. I was thrilled by this, and for the first few weeks it was a perfect set-up.
But once I started my furlough and wasn’t working, and had minimal other activities to keep me busy—my mind started looking for other things to focus on.
Things such as:
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“How is living together with Nate going so far? Do you think we will be good living together forever?”
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“Some days, I feel anxious about our relationship, so that must mean something is wrong…crap this can’t be good”
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“Now that we’re together 24/7, I’m starting to realize that I miss my independence sometimes…is this a bad sign?”
Those are a few snippets that crept into my wandering mind throughout the month of April.
So in addition to all of my baseline levels of anxiety as a result of the pandemic, navigating unemployment and worrying about the state of my job—I was also feeling nerves about my relationship, which I thought was supposed to be care-free and effortless.
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I’d say that around mid-April, my relationship anxiety reached an all-time high. The funny thing is, I still had no idea what relationship anxiety was at that point. I was just constantly ruminating; stuck in my head—sometimes for hours a day—worried that something was wrong.
Reflecting back on this time, I can remember waking up with lumps in my throat, pits in my stomach and needing to go for a walk to “clear my head.”
I want to go back in time a few short months and hug that version of me. Because the version of me writing this has learned so much since.
What I didn’t know back then was that my “mess” was soon going to become my “message.”
What I didn’t know back then was that these awful feelings would push me to start researching how to make them go away—which would lead to me finding incredible relationship mentors, and eventually me deciding to create this blog.
What I didn’t know back then was that my relationship anxiety was going to be a huge gift.
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Another silver lining that came out of COVID-19 was for the first time since graduating college, I had freedom throughout the days and weeks to decide how I wanted to spend my 9-5. Fast forward to June, and I decided to take action. I wanted to leverage all of the free time I had gained in my schedule and put it to good use.
I decided to channel the anxiety I was feeling into researching more about relationships.
Throughout my research, I was lucky enough to stumble upon many resources which educated me on relationship anxiety. I immediately self-diagnosed these symptoms as being true for me (doubts about whether you are with the right partner, intrusive thoughts, and physical symptoms like tight chest and closed throat when thinking about our relationship).
Learning all of this new information sparked a curiosity in me to continue diving deeper into the world of relationships in the hopes I could *fix* my relationship anxiety and feel more confident in my own relationship.
It was then that the idea for You Love and You Learn was formed—a way to learn more + share my journey along the way.
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Looking back, I realize just how grateful I am for the tougher parts of this year that pushed me forward to creating this blog.
Feeling my relationship anxiety at an all time high led me to decide to do something about it.
Being on furlough gave me the time to do it.
And as a result, creating the blog and my Instagram community has helped me grow in my relationship in so many ways.
Doing the research for the blog has also given me more confidence in my own relationship, and really came at the perfect time—during the transition of starting to live with Nate.
Now, after 6 months of living with Nate—I am so grateful to say that our communication has strengthened beyond what I thought possible. I’ve been able to give him a deeper look into the world of relationship anxiety, and he’s met me with more empathy than I could ever imagine.
We’ve started walking together daily as a way to talk through big decisions or just check in on one another. We’ve been able to have the face-to-face discussions we were lacking much of the time due to long distance.
Being together every day also provides many micro-moments of learning.
It gives us the opportunity to work through feelings or emotions in the moment, and understand what makes us tick—and what makes one another really happy.
We are *finally* able to wake up and snuggle in the mornings instead of sending a morning text, and the little moments like going on a walk or cooking dinner together are appreciated that much more, since we were never able to do them before.
And even with the adversity of this year, I feel like things are heading in the right direction, both personally and for our relationship.
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For the first time in a while, I feel a sense of purpose and excitement waking up and thinking about what is ahead.
And that in itself is a win in my book.
But what’s next?
My goal is to try and focus on finding a balance between two important things.
1. Celebrating how far I have come and being grateful for the current moment/state of things as they are
2. Simultaneously having goals and dreams, and looking ahead at future opportunities/chances to grow + evolve
Celebrating how far I have come:
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I’m feeling really proud of how far my blog + Instagram account are coming along. 14 blog posts, and 43 Instagram posts later, I feel in my groove and like I’m genuinely learning and sharing valuable information. I’m getting messages each week saying how my content is helping people realize they are not alone in their struggles, which makes me feel really dang good.
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I’m midway through Sheryl Paul’s relationship anxiety course, and have been experiencing MUCH lower levels of relationship anxiety. Learning about the causes of relationship anxiety and ways to move through it have been life-changing. The intrusive thoughts have become much less frequent, I’ve seen a drastic reduction in anxiety symptoms in my body such as ‘gut feelings’ or tight chest, and have experienced minimal doubts about what can go wrong with the relationship as of late. I feel much more at ease with my relationship and where it is going.
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I’ve learned to accept that life is uncertain, and we can’t be 100% certain of where things are going in a relationship or in life. Trying to search for that certainty is a losing battle, because we don’t know what tomorrow brings. However, we can still be content and find joy in the here-and-now, while also looking ahead with visions of a bright future. We can still find happiness in a relationship without absolute certainty of what’s ahead.
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I now view my relationship anxiety as a gift instead of a burden. It’s an opportunity for me to learn more about myself, and become more present in my relationship. It’s making me stronger, and teaching me how to handle my emotions better. It’s grooming me to become a mentor for other people who are struggling with the same issues so I can educate them and help them heal.
Looking ahead to the future:
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I want to find a way to help people more directly with healing their relationship anxiety. I know how it feels to struggle through it, and feeling so alone. If I can help others heal their relationship anxiety faster than I was able to, that would be incredible.
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I plan to continue to grow my Instagram page through sharing tips + advice to help others strengthen their relationships. My goal is to continue learning how to create video content + collaborate with other experts in the relationship space so I can learn + share with my community.
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I’m not sure when I’ll be back at my full-time job, but I’ve finally let go of worrying and accepted that what will be will be. I hope to be back soon!
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So, that was a long-winded way for me to say that even though 2020 has been somewhat of a dumpster fire, I look back on the last 6 months with appreciation, pride and gratitude. These last 6 months have tested me, pushed me to grow and learn about myself, and given me something to wake up and be excited about every day.
And that is something worth celebrating!
xo
Sarah
PS — How has 2020 pushed you to grow? Comment below! Would love to connect further.
