read time: 10 min
Today marks 6 years since the first day Nate and I met.
During my most anxious days, I didn't think this day would come.
I used to think that one of two things would happen:
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I'd feel debilitating anxiety forever by staying in the relationship
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I'd no longer be in the relationship because the anxiety was too much to handle
I'm happy to share that neither of these are true as it stands today.
6 years in, and I am content.
The word 'content' has a bad rep, but the definition is actually quite beautiful (to me, at least).
Being content means being in a state of peaceful happiness.
Peaceful + happiness. Two words that felt so far out of reach once upon a time.
Now, I've come to crave contentment.
Not the exciting flashy moments, but the peaceful moments.
I want to make one thing super clear when I share this:
I don't walk around in a state of peaceful happiness 24/7.
And, when I am not walking around feeling peaceful happiness, it's my responsibility.
Not Nate's for making me irritated.
Not social media's for triggering me.
Not the long grocery store line.
Not the long to-do lists'.
Not global news.
No one or nothing else is responsible for creating my sense of peaceful happiness but me.
It's sooo freeing when this clicks.
It means that the world can be stressful as heck, but that we don't have to blame other people or things for how we feel.
It means can choose at any time to shift into feeling more peace or happiness.
How?
In so many ways:
by checking in on the beliefs or expectations that are causing me to feel unhappy or un-peaceful (is that a word?)
example: "why am I irritated with Nate right now? oh, because I am expecting him to want to do exactly what I want to do. is that fair? no, he has his own ideas for how to spend his evening, too."
by using my tools to bring myself back to the present moment and find acceptance for whatever is going on
example: breath work, meditation, movement, journaling can help me process
by having compassion for myself and my feelings
example: "it's okay to feel anxious, anxiety is a protective mechanism. that means I am probably scared, and being scared is okay."
by shifting priorities to make space for my mental and physical wellbeing
example: if the to-do list feels unmanageable, it probably is - how can I focus on the most important things?
by setting boundaries
example: log off social media or watch the news for 30 days if it's overwhelming. we're not meant to take in this much information. I will be logging off social media the last 2 weeks of this year, and invite you to join me.
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Had I not shifted my beliefs around love and relationships, I would not be here today.
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Had I not shifted to taking full responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings, I would not be here today.
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Had I not flipped the script and asked "how am I contributing to my anxiety in this relationship?" I would not be here today.
And as hard as those things were to do, I am proud and grateful that I did them.
I figured it would be fun to share 6 of my reflections from the last 6 years with Nate.
There are way more than 6, and these are not the most important 6 but here we go:
1 - Relationships grow, evolve, and change. Change is scary, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Accepting change, evolution, and growth in a relationship brings more peace and happiness.
So much has changed for Nate and I in the last 6 years. Jobs, living situations, a global pandemic happening, our communication style, our intimacy...
Our levels of comfort, our vacation list, our relationships to each other's families...
Our beliefs, our goals, our dreams...
And even our feelings towards one another.
I used to think that my feelings towards Nate had to stay the exact same from day 1 to day 100 to day 1,000.
What I didn't realize was that my feelings changing isn't bad. It's actually great.
Now, I feel a deeper sense of commitment and love. Not just when things are exciting, but because I have decided this is my person and I want us to build a beautiful life.
The "honeymoon phase" may be over, but each year we become stronger and stronger. Through each challenge, we grow.
Relationship anxiety was a major hurdle to overcome, and it definitely changed me.
Nate has evolved as a partner and a person, too.
Change can be scary, but it doesn't mean it's wrong. The more you can embrace change in your relationship, the more peace and happiness you will find.
2 - Committing to the relationship decreased my anxiety, not increase it, like I feared.
Okay, so this one is going to sound counterintuitive.
I used to think that going all-in on my relationship was scary.
"What if it doesn't work?"
"How do I know if I love him enough?"
"What if I make the wrong decision?"
etc. etc. etc.
So, instead, I did a really good job of being one-foot-in, one-foot-out. More so figuratively than literally.
I'd entertain thoughts like "what if I find someone better in the future...what would I do then?"
I'd hyper focus on any flaws Nate had, thinking that those must be the reason he wasn't perfect enough.
I'd imagine what things would be like if I was single.
These all kept me from using my own power to decide to be with Nate. Because, after all, no one else could make that decision for me.
I wanted relationship experts or friends to make me feel good about choosing Nate, when it was always up to me.
Once I made the decision that Nate was my person, things changed.
It's always stuck with me that the word decision stems from the Latin word decidere.
Decidere combines two words: de = 'OFF' + caedere = 'CUT'.
When you decide, you cut off other options.
Now, to the anxious mind, this may feel overwhelming.
"Wait. But I need my backup plan and backup-backup plan."
Yet, once I decided Nate was my person, I felt a sense of relief.
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Instead of thinking about finding someone better, I started thinking about the ways Nate and I have grown, and can continue to grow.
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Instead of thinking about if things didn't work, I started taking small steady actions that would lead to a better chance of things working.
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Instead of worrying about making the wrong decision, I started looking for evidence that I made the right decision.
These are subtle but powerful shifts.
If you have kinda sorta decided you want your relationship to work, you'll kinda sorta make it happen.
If you decide decide you want your relationship to work, you will pull out all the stops to make it happen.
Note: decisions can be changed if new information is received.
3 - There are endless ways you can be in a successful relationship. There is no one right way. Looking for the "one right way"will cause a lot of frustration. Creating your own way has the potential to lead to more confidence in your relationship.
Google "what does it mean to be in a healthy relationship?" and you will get so many answers.
Trying to follow all the answers will lead to confusion and anxiety: "am I doing this right?"
But here's a secret: there is no one right way.
I used to think there was, and it was the copy paste of what I saw in RomComs.
It caused me to feel shame and guilt that my relationship wasn't measuring up to this perfect ideal.
Now, through a lot of unlearning, I have realized that what makes me the happiest is what Nate and I decide together.
Not what someone else says is best.
Let me give you a bit of a personal example. This is one that makes me uncomfortable to share in some ways, but in the spirit of transparency, I will.
When it comes to sex or physical intimacy, there is no shortage of information out there.
"You should have sex [x] times a week!"
"If your sex life isn't a priority, your relationship will suffer!"
"Sexual compatibility is very important"
etc. etc. etc.
We see movies and media that portray sex in one way, and in my own experiences, sex can be different:
Putting pressure on it to be super spicy and amazing has led to it to feel stressful, at times.
Neither Nate or I have the sex drive to be intimate multiple times a week. We've both agreed that we "want to want to do it" more than we actually want to do it.
What do I mean by that? Well, basically, we think we "should" do it more.
It's external pressure leading us to feel like our frequency isn't enough, when in fact, both of us are happy. Both with quality and quantity.
If we only listened to external narratives, it may lead to feeling like our sex life is not good enough.
I have done that before, and let me tell you, it doesn't help anything. If anything, it makes me feel worse and put more pressure on each sexual experience.
Releasing the pressure has led to more happiness.
Both Nate and I agree that there is room for improvement in some senses, but we're content (peacefully happy) for now, and that's what is important.
This is one example of countless ways Nate and I have learned to tune into what WE want, not what we think we SHOULD want.
Create your own rules within your relationship. It's way more fun, I promise.
4 - Picking your battles not only benefits the relationship, but it benefits your peace of mind
Would I like Nate's towels to always hang on the towel rack instead of hung over the door? Yup.
Would I enjoy more spontaneous surprises? Sure.
Would I appreciate more active listening and less "here's my proposed solution"? Definitely.
Do these things mean that my relationship sucks? Heck to the no.
I used to make such a big deal about everything.
All it did was take away from my own peace of mind and cause me to think my relationship wasn't up to par.
There are more important "battles."
Let the little things go to make space for bigger things.
5 - Love gets to be so much deeper than the #relationshipgoals moments we see on social media
I shared this story on social media earlier this week, but I want to add it in this blog post, too.
It's because this lesson is important and meaningful to me.
Last week, I took my first ambulance ride.
I experienced a ‘vasovagal syncope’.
It was a sudden drop in heart rate or blood pressure, which lead to me fainting.
This often happens in reaction to a stressful trigger (strain, stress).
Not only did I faint but Nate worried I had a seizure.
He came out to the living room and saw me shaking and unconscious.
Thank GOODNESS Nate was home. He was also beyond helpful for the next 48-72 hours when I wanted to recover and rest.
We were both pretty shaken up by the experience.
In the scary moments, I felt so grateful for Nate and thingy got put into perspective.
The important takeaway from this experience was this:
a big part of relationships are about loving and supporting people “in sickness and in health.”
Some wedding vows say this, and while I don't love all wedding vows, this peice feels true.
Supporting someone "in sickness and in health" means during the ups AND downs.
Not just the shiny Instagram moments, or when things are perfect.
Relationships get to be so much deeper than that.
Yet, we can get so worried that our relationship isn’t picture perfect and block out all the beauty.
When life throws you curveballs, the anxious triggers feel pretty irrelevant in comparison.
When you’re laying in a hospital bed hoping your CT scan and blood work comes back clear, some of the other little things just don’t feel as important…
What’s important is the person there checking in on you, holding your hand, and telling you it’s all going to be okay.
6 - It's okay not to have all the answers right now. It's okay not to know how everything will turn out. Trust the process, and trust yourself to be okay no matter what.
3 years ago, if you would have told me I lived in Sweden with Nate and that I was a relationship anxiety coach...
...I would not have believed you.
I couldn't have predicted that for one second. And I'm so glad things didn't "go according to plan."
In 3 years from now, I can't guarantee what things will look like. I've stopped trying to guess.
Some people feel comfortable writing out their 1-3-5 year plans. It doesn't excite me as much anymore.
I'm taking things as they come.
I can't guarantee me and Nate will be together "forever."
I can't envision where we will live when we move back from Sweden yet.
I can't predict if/when we will have kids (we want to, but fertility is not guaranteed).
Instead of those unanswered questions causing me to feel scared, I now lean into them.
I trust that things will get sorted out.
I trust in my ability to pick myself up if I get knocked down.
I trust in me and Nate.
I trust that if I receive new information, I can change my mind.
I trust in life.
This is a big shift from 3-years-ago Sarah, and an even bigger shift from 6-years-ago Sarah.
I've finally come to terms with the fact that I don't have full control.
Life tends to work in mysterious ways, and I trust it.
Which of the 6 takeaways resonated most with you? Leave me a comment!
This will be my last blog post of the year! Thank you so much for reading.
If you'd like help 'deciding' to be in your relationship, a few options for support:
1 - Deconstruct the Doubts digital course:
The roadmap I used to go from doubting my relationship to confidently choosing Nate.
You receive instant + lifetime access to the information and tools when you join. $249 or 3 payments of $99!
Past student shares: "It is a brilliant course, it covers practically all the topics of my intrusive thoughts/worries. I have had a lot of therapy over the years, but this course framed topics in a different way than I am used to and offered different perspectives that really resonated with me and have stayed with me."
2 - Beyond the Doubts group coaching experience:
For women who want to go all-in on their loving relationship and not let relationship anxiety win.
We kick off in January, and there are 3 days left to join this cohort (December 18th is the last day).
This experience consists of:
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complimentary access to Deconstruct the Doubts
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7 group coaching calls to get all your relationship anxiety questions answered
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a group message to get on-the-spot anxiety support throughout your week
Past group members share:
“Joining the program was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has been life-changing.”
“Sign up no matter how nervous you are. The experience changed my life in such a positive way. I learned so much about myself, relationship anxiety, and was provided the helpful tools to work through moments of extreme anxiety.”
Total investment: $899 or 3 payments of $300. 7 women have already joined, and there are 13 spots left!
3 - Private Coaching
A 12-week customized 1-on-1 experience.
I help you feel more confident by working through your top relationship fears head-on.
Past client shares: “My experience was a life-changing one. Sarah is one of the most empathetic people I've ever met. You can tell that she's listening and asks the right questions to get you thinking about your intrusive thoughts in a different way. She’s never been judgmental about anything I've brought to her, and has helped me come to some big realizations about myself that I couldn't have done on my own.”
Total investment: $3,000 or 4 payments of $800.
