How do we accept our partner's flaws?
The flaws that irk us, and irritate us.
The flaws that remind us that they're not perfect.
The flaws that cause us to question if they are 'the one'.
So much comes to mind when I think of this question.
An old version of myself would have kept the focus strictly on the acceptance of the partner.
The version of myself here writing today knows that there is something deeper going on here.
Behind the question of "how can I accept my partner's flaws?" is a sneakier question:
"How can I accept my own flaws?"
That question is a more powerful one to start with, and here is why...
Someone who fully embraces their normal, human flaws of their own likely doesn't feel the need to have their partner on a perfection pedestal.
And if you find it hard to accept your partner's flaws, it likely means that there is a part you who doesn't accept your own flaws, or the fact that all humans are flawed, simply by existing.
Maybe, somewhere along this journey of life you learned that you had to be perfect to be loved.
Maybe, somewhere along this journey of life you learned that you had to pick a perfect life partner in order to have a happy, fulfilling life.
I think we can ALL relate to these messages.
However, this is not the truth.
I'd argue that the opposite are in fact true...
That people love and respect those who can own their imperfections.
That having an imperfect partner actually makes the relationship that much more authentic, because you don't have to show up perfectly, either.
So, now, to answer both questions:
-
How can I learn to accept my own flaws?
-
How can I learn to accept my partner's flaws?
I'd argue the answers are very similar and involve the below components:
Compassion
Practice self-compassion, and practice showing compassion to others.
At our core, humans all have fears, insecurities, and imperfections (flaws).
Trust that this person is showing up and giving their best, just like you are.
And if their best isn't always good enough, have compassion for them as you communicate this to them.
Remembering your shared humanity
Remember that by being human, we have imperfections.
You are not immune to it, and neither is your partner.
This isn't to shame yourself or your partner, but to keep in mind that both of you are flawed, and the more you can appreciate one another for both the good AND the bad, the more you're on the 'same team' vs. 'me vs. you' mentality.
And ask yourself: am I striving for perfection here? Is this helpful for my life and relationships to expect perfection?
Humor
Add some humor into the situation—not from a place of making fun, but from a place of keeping things light-hearted.
Life can be hard enough, and when we narrow in on all of our partner's flaws, we will start to constantly feel disappointed.
Next time you notice a flaw of your partner's, make a joke about it to yourself (not to them!)
"There Nate goes again...creating a leaning tower of laundry!" or "there I go again, thinking that I need to have a partner who looks like Brad Pitt in order to be happy!" (I'd argue that poking fun at yourself may even lighten the mood even more up in that anxious mind...)
By practicing compassion, remembering your shared humanity, and adding humor into the situation, it can remind you that this flaw is hopefully not a make-or-break, and more of an inconvenience.
And as always, this assumes you're in a relationship without abuse present or mistreatment happening on a consistent basis.
Abuse or consistent mistreatment would be 'flaws' that are worth paying attention to!
