Let's talk about the difference between pouring effort and energy into your relationship to continue growing vs. "forcing it."
I've gotten a handful of questions from my email community on this:
"Feeling guilty you had to go through the work to get to the finish line. Shouldn't you just know if this was your person? Does the fact that you had to take courses, read blogs, etc mean you forced it?"
or
"I heard the advice 'if you're trying too hard to make it work, you're probably forcing it'"
Before I go too much further, I want to give a few analogies that can set the stage for the rest of this blog post.
If you're a marathon runner—do you need to keep training, learning about how to optimize your running performance, and take care of your mind + body in order to continue running personal bests in future races?
If you're a yogi—do you need to keep stretching, understanding the best form to use for safe poses, and continue practicing patience in order to deepen your practice?
If you're an author—do you need to keep writing pages and pages (even bad ones!), learning about the subject you want to teach to others, and add to your vocabulary in order to strengthen your craft?
I think you'd say "yes!" to all three of these things.
And yet, we expect to have an awesome relationship without any effort.
We're taught that great relationships just happen, that you should meet your one true love and have no doubts about them, and ride off into the sunset.
If you read my article "When You Know You...Know?"—you know that I don't believe all humans are created equally when it comes to "knowing" they have found their person.
There are some factors at play, not limited to, but including how decisive you are, how open you are to uncertainty, and whether you tend to view life from an optimistic or pessimistic lens.
Some other factors can include what your past experiences around love and relationships are.
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Have you been through a tough break-up in the past, or seen one in your family of origin?
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Have you been someone who likes to stay up to speed with celebrity news around the constant shuffle of marriages and divorces, or cheating?
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Have you been a die-hard RomCom fanatic (like myself) growing up and expect love to be easy and effortless like the movies?
All of these things (and many more) factor into your relationship doubt or anxiety.
It's not a sure-fire sign you're in the "wrong relationship"—whatever that means.
Actually—let's go there—what does it mean to be in the "right" or "wrong" relationship to you?
Is it just based off of a feeling?
Are you waiting for an inner "knowing" that you've found this person?
If so, you're not alone—this is the narrative we're taught.
But what if the "right" relationship wasn't just based off of feeling alone, but also feeling like this person understands you, feeling like you have similar outlooks on things you really value in life, feeling respected by this person, and feeling like you can grow together over time?
Another point I'd also like to make when it comes to the question around "forcing it" is that "going through the work to get to the finish line" is actually less about the other person than it is about you.
What do I mean by this?
The work to heal your relationship doubt or anxiety is your work to do, be it in this relationship or the next.
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It's the work to unpack your fears around love and relationships.
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It's the work to release the insecurities that keep you from opening your heart to this partner (and likely many others in the future, too!)
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It's the work to practice self-compassion instead of criticism.
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It's the work to accept imperfection within yourself and others (like, your partner).
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It's the work to unlearn beliefs that are keeping you anxious and re-learn ones that empower you.
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It's the work to befriend your anxiety, instead of treating it like the enemy.
All of this is YOUR journey to go on.
In a relationship, or out of it, these are things that you may eventually want to do, because without doing some of these things, you may continue to feel triggered by love and relationships as a whole.
And no, not doing all of these things at once, but slowly as you move through your life.
In regard to the question of "shouldn't you just know if this was your person? Does the fact that you had to take courses, read blogs, etc mean you forced it?"—I will just be direct and say my answer is no.
I don't believe that working on YOUR relationship anxiety (which is really not related to your partner assuming you're in a relationship without abuse present and where there are not major values clashing or boundaries being broken) means you're forcing it.
I believe it means you're taking ownership of your emotions.
I don't believe that working on your relationship means you're forcing it.
I believe it means you're taking initiative regarding something that's meaningful in your life.
I don't believe that great relationships magically happen.
I believe they are built.
And I plan to keep spreading that message loud and clear for anyone and everyone to hear!
I'll end with a note that I want anyone reading this to understand about my passion for discussing relationship anxiety and doubts (here on the blog, on social media, or wherever you hear me talking about it):
I am not here to influence someone to stay or go from their relationship.
In fact, I try very hard not to tell anyone what they "should" or "should not" do because it is YOUR LIFE, and you know yourself way better than I do.
If I said "you should stay in your relationship" and it didn't work out, you'd feel like I led you astray.
If I said "you should not stay in your relationship" and then regretted that choice, you'd feel like I led you astray.
None of this would help you learn how to make the best choice for yourself.
So, I'll say again: I am not here to influence someone to stay or go from their relationship.
Rather, I'm here to give you information to make you feel more confident in your choice, whatever that choice is.
Much of the information I share is not discussed widely, and once I heard it, it made me feel 10x more confident in my choice to stay in my relationship.
Once I heard it, I realized that:
My relationship was not perfect, but it didn't need to be.
My anxiety was mine to carry, not my partner's.
My fulfillment and my vision in life can't be left to chance.
So when I say that I don't believe that you're forcing things if you are doing the courses, reading the books, I'm not here to tell you "STAY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!"
I'm here to offer you a light at the end of the tunnel that, if you WANT to stay, and you want things to work, they can.
It takes effort, but eventually, that "effort" doesn't feel like so much effort anymore. It just feels like part of the process...
