One of the most requested topics I receive is the question "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"
Basically—the question of 'am I staying in this relationship so I don't hurt my partner?'.
And while this may feel like a cop out response...
I don't have the answer to this question for you.
I don't want to pretend to have the answer, either.
There are a few reasons for this:
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Everyone's relationship situation is so unique to them, including yours, and I'm missing a ton of context
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I'm not here to influence you to "stay" or "go" from your relationships, that's always and forever going to be your choice to make, so I don't want to influence that choice directly by claiming that "oh, that belief isn't true! of course you really do want to be with them" when I can't know that
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There are a handful of factors that I recommend you reflect on before you ask yourself that question, and those factors likely have more answers for you about why you're in this relationship
While I can't answer the question for you, I'd like to discuss those handful of factors I recommend you reflect on before trying to ask yourself the question of "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"
First and foremost: your values, your lifestyle, and your boundaries
I just wrote about values, lifestyle, and boundaries in an article earlier this week, "if they wanted to, they would," which went to my email community, and yet—it's one of the most important things I believe we should be reflecting on as the foundation of our relationship.
So, I will continue talking about it, as I think it relates perfectly to this topic, too.
It's my belief that choosing a life partner based on shared values, lifestyle preferences, and respect for one another's boundaries is a great way to go.
This doesn't mean you're 100% on the same page with one another.
We're not looking for our "perfect match" here but rather someone who complements us well.
However, values, lifestyle, and boundaries all feel like an important thing to understand about yourself, your partner, and the relationship dynamics as a whole.
This would mean that ideally you've spent (or are willing to spend) some time
1. reflecting on what your current values, lifestyle preferences, & boundaries are
2. communicating these to your partner and
3. learning more about theirs.
Why is this important?
Because if you're asking yourself the question "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?" and you know that you're very aligned when it comes to values, lifestyle, and boundaries—you may be able to easily answer your own question by saying "wait—no, I know that there are things about this relationship that are meaningful to me—I'm not staying because I feel bad but because I'm choosing to be here!"
On the flip side, if you haven't spent time reflecting on your shared values, lifestyle and boundaries, you may feel like you have nothing to back up why you're choosing your relationship, and thus feel anxious or confused as a result of the intrusive thought "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"
So—how do we start reflecting on our values, lifestyle and boundaries?
Here are some thought-starters…
Values:
Mark Manson, author, says "Personal values are the measuring sticks by which we determine what is a successful and meaningful life." and that "Our values are constantly reflected in the way we choose to behave."
To start the process of discovering your values, he says you can ask "What does a successful and meaningful life look like to you?"
Go ahead, feel free to take out a journal or your phone and write it all out.
Is it having a big family with a lot of kids?
Is it traveling the world?
Is it having a 'successful' career in your industry?
Is it learning a skill you've always wanted to?
Is it living a 'healthy' lifestyle with your mind, body spirit?
Is it growing deeper in your faith or spirituality?
Is it giving back to causes you care about?
Next, it's important to ask yourself why you value this. Is it for your own reasons? Or to get approval from people in your life? Is it something you are actually taking actions towards currently, or do you just think you value something because you're 'supposed to'?
Another great quote from Mark Manson (from this incredible article) says:
"You may say you want a family with five kids. You can shout from the rooftop until your voice goes hoarse that you value family and relationships above all else. But if you always find an excuse to not go on a second date, then it’s very likely that’s not what you value at all."
This means that what we truly value is something that we're taking action on.
For example—if you value a deep, meaningful, long-term relationship—are you taking steps to work on your relationship doubts? To understand how your beliefs are affecting your current relationship?
If not, that's okay, and it doesn't mean you can't start working on these things.
The cool thing is, our values today are not set in stone.
We're not locked into these values forever. But as of TODAY, I'd love for you to ask yourself what you value, and why? Keep these in your back pocket.
Next, let's discuss lifestyle:
When it comes to your life (individually, and within a relationship), how do you envision things looking?
Do you want a healthy balance of alone time and time spent with your partner?
Do you want to go on 3 big vacations each year? Does your partner need to be there?
Do you want to be around family and friends often, and have your partner along for the ride?
Do you want to live a life without substances (alcohol, smoking) and do you believe that is important for your partner to be on the same page as you about, too?
Do you want to "work hard, play hard" when it comes to balancing your career, or do you like to have a more relaxed schedule?
Write it all out. Maybe you set aside 30 minutes to free write about some of these questions after reading this blog post...
Lastly, let's cover boundaries:
The below information about boundaries is a direct copy paste from my article earlier this week, as I think it's important to use similar language:
"What will you not accept in your life? How will you set guidelines around this (that are in your control)?
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Ex: I will walk away from conversations where names are being called
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Ex: I will leave the party if you're drinking past the point of being coherent
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Ex: I will leave a relationship where physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse takes place"
Knowing your boundaries is a great way to build more confidence in your relationship, because you can clearly determine if your partner is accepting and respectful of your boundaries, and if not, why is that?
Asking the question "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?" may be hard to answer in general.
I mean, if it was easy, you'd have your answer by now, but it doesn't feel like it has an obvious "yes" or "no" to it.
A different question that may give you more clarity could be:
"Are me and my partner aligned on values and lifestyle? Do we respect each other's beliefs and boundaries?"
Answering this could help you determine more about your compatibility.
And I will remind you, we're not looking for PERFECTION here.
If you feel appreciated and respected in your relationship (someone is not disrespecting your boundaries consistently), it's okay if not every single value and lifestyle preference are aligned.
Next, let's discuss what love means to you.
If you have relationship anxiety or doubts, it's easy to think that another person or relationship will be more loving, more perfect, and more fulfilling.
Which may then lead you to think you're staying in your current relationship simply because you feel bad.
Can't be sure, but I'd be willing to guess that is a factor here.
And if you are not aligned on core values, lifestyle choices, and boundaries are not being respected—it may absolutely be the case that another relationship may be more fulfilling.
I'm not here to tell people to stay in that situation.
However, if you are aligned on core values, lifestyle choices, and boundaries—I'd like to ask you: what else is missing?
Can you articulate it?
If you're unsure, and say something like "I can't put my finger on it...but something feels off"—I encourage you to read my blog post on intuition and also ask yourself if you're yearning for something that you're not quite sure exists, but are still striving for it. (I wrote more about this in my recent blog post "when you know you know").
The quote I shared in the "when you know you know" blog post is from Sarah Wilson, an author, who said:
"We yearn for something even if we don't know what it looks like or if it actually exists."
Sometimes, by being anxious, our minds tend to crave "something else" without even knowing what that means.
If you're in a relationship wondering if you're staying because you feel bad, it may feel like being in another relationship would give you the certainty or love that you feel like you're missing right now, and if you read my "when you know you know" article, I discuss why that may not be the case for an anxious-minded person.
So, I ask you this:
What does love mean to you?
And if your definition is that love is a perfect, magical experience like in the movies, I want you to push past that.
Expanding your definition of love just may be the thing that saves you from your own doubts.
Here are some definitions of love that have really resonated with me:
“Love is a big, vague concept. So what does it look like? How do you know that you and your partner love each other? Perhaps we should interpret love as a flowing process, as a commitment to daily action, rather than "present or not present." Love is maintained incrementally. Instead of asking whether there is love, or trying to quantify it, it might be easier to ask yourself: How can I show my partner that I love them today? How is my partner showing their love for me today?"
— Gottman Institute
“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, Of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror it’s ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity—in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern”
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the sea (from Sheryl Paul's Book, The Wisdom of Anxiety)
When you throw out the RomCom expectations of perfect love, what is left for you? Can you reframe or expand your definition of love so that you can reflect on ways you do love your partner? Or trust that there is no right or wrong way to love, and by choosing to be in the relationship for this long, there is a feeling of love there in some way?
On the flip side, if you reflect on your definition of love (and perhaps even discuss your definitions with your partner, and ask them theirs!) and can't seem to sync up, or feel like there's no chance to grow more in love with this person (by doing your own internal work to open your heart more, too) → note that. It doesn't mean the relationship needs to end necessarily, just note it.
Reflecting on what love means to you may be a more impactful question than "am I staying because I feel bad?"
Rather, the question could be "is this a person I'd like to explore what "love" means with?" or "is this a person that I can envision cultivating more love for?" (bearing in mind love is not a constant feeling).
The questions we ask ourselves matter.
If we ask ourself "am I staying because I feel bad?" — we may not feel like we can even answer that question, whereas asking "is this a person I'd like to explore what "love" means with?" feels more empowering.
Think about it, and feel free to use it as a journal prompt, if you'd like!
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate with your partner
Understanding your own values, lifestyle, boundaries and definition of love is important.
Communicating about these things with your partner is important, too.
Make sure you ask them about their values, lifestyle preferences, and boundaries. Yes, even if you've known each other for years.
Make sure you ask them what their definition of love is, and how they envision your relationship growing over time. Yes, even though this is vulnerable.
Make sure you communicate not once about these things, but consistently over the course of your relationship.
If you notice a shift in your values, lifestyle preferences, or boundaries—voice it.
If you notice a shift in theirs, ask them to help you understand.
And remembering that we don't need 100% alignment, but rather reflecting on if the differences are things you can compromise on, or things that truly feel like they're going against something important to you and you can't be flexible on it.
Communicating about these things with your partner may be a great way to further explore the original question of "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"
If you find you're in a relationship where your partner is willing to discuss these topics (maybe not daily or weekly, but willing to discuss them!) and you feel good about the discussions that are happening (even if they are not easy)—note that.
If you find you're in a relationship where your partner is either not willing to discuss these topics, or you find that they are very out of sync with you on the values, lifestyle, boundaries and definitions of love (to the point where you don't feel a chance to connect and grow together)—note that, too.
Only once you have reflected on these things do I think it could be beneficial to circle back on the question of "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"
If you have no shared values, opposite lifestyle preferences, can't respect one another's boundaries, and are not on the same page about what a loving relationship means — maybe you are in this relationship because you feel bad.
I still can't answer that for you, but I can guess how I would feel if I was in the same shoes.
However, if you do have shared values, similar lifestyle preferences, respect each other's boundaries, and have similar (not exact same!) meanings of what a loving relationship represents — I'd like to to trust yourself a little here. Trust that you have a steady foundation for your relationship and see where it goes!
Self trust is a factor here, for sure.
Do you trust that you can you can handle whatever life throws your way, in this relationship or out of it?
Do you trust that you don't need to make any big life decisions in this exact moment, and that you have time to continue gathering more information?
Do you trust that you are making the best decision for yourself in each moment based on your current circumstances, and that if you had any new information, you could continue making the best decisions for yourself at that time?
If not, I want you to open you mind up to those possibilities.
While this blog post did not directly answer the question of "what if I'm staying in this relationship (or forcing myself to be in this relationship) because I feel bad?"—I hope it gave you some things to reflect on in your relationship.
A couple reminders that:
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Everyone's relationship situation is so unique to them, and I'm missing so much context so my advice is very generalized, it may not apply to your situation! Take what works and leave the rest.
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This blog post is not intended to influence people to "stay" or "go" from their relationships, that's always and forever going to be someone else's choice to make for themselves.
And I will add a couple others on top of this:
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There is no "right" or "wrong" relationship objectively, this will always be a choice you have to make for yourself. Sometimes, half the battle is deciding to be in your relationship, or alternately deciding that the differences feel too drastic to work through (recommend getting support from a coach or therapist before making this choice!)
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You have the power to help co-create your 'dream relationship' with your partner, even if things are not "in place" quite yet, you can make changes at any time
