assertiveness

When you hear the word assertive, what comes to mind?

To me, the word assertive used to mean pushy or bossy; overly direct.

As someone who has never identified as an assertive person, I think I have always been a little intimidated by someone who is...

It was only recently that I began shifting my perspective on what it even means to be assertive in the first place, and subsequently realizing that I could stand to incorporate more of it into my life.

I’m currently reading an incredible book, How to be an Adult by David Richo, and he has a whole chapter dedicated to assertiveness skills. This opened my eyes to a whole new meaning of the word.

I highly recommend the book, as it has given me a lot to think about and reflect on (which is a sign of a great book in my eyes).

Alright, book recommendation aside, let's chat assertiveness.

David Richo says that one of the forms of psychological work we can choose to do as humans to continue growing and evolving is becoming assertive.

As I was reading, it became more and more clear that this isn’t just an important trait to have in life, it’s important specifically within relationships.

Be it our relationship with self, with significant others, with family, with friends, with colleagues, or even with strangers—assertiveness is a way to honor our needs and feelings and show up authentically.

There is so. much. goodness. to share. from this book, so this blog post may be a little longer than usual.

But before we get too much further, let's align on what assertiveness is in the first place.

Assertiveness is the personal power to:

• Be clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda

• Ask for what you want

• Take responsibility for your feelings and behavior

Remember earlier when I said my impression of assertiveness was being pushy, bossy, or overly direct?

None of the three ‘pillars’ of assertiveness I just shared are pushy or bossy in my opinion.

And the more I think about it, what's so bad about being overly direct in the first place?

Being direct is a sign of strength.

When it comes to relationships, assertiveness is extremely important.

Each of the three ‘pillars’ of assertiveness can strengthen the connection and transparency between partners, and if they are not present can lead to misunderstanding.

• Being clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda—"clear is kind, unclear is unkind". I have written about this before on the blog. The more clear we are with our partner, the more respect we are showing them. The more clear we are with our partner, the more clear they will likely be with us. And the more clear partners are with one another, the less chance there is for misunderstandings or manipulations, because there is a spirit of honesty and transparency.

• Ask for what you want—or else no one else will. If we expect our partners to be mind-readers and know what we want without sharing, we will be in for a lot of disappointment.

• Take responsibility for your feelings and behavior—this one is HUGE! You are responsible for your feelings and behaviors, not your partner. Even if they do something that "drives you crazy"—you are choosing (even if it is subconsciously) to respond in a way that is being “driven crazy”. When we can take accountability for our own reactions, feelings, and behaviors—we take a lot of pressure off of our partner and relationship.

Now that we’ve gone over what assertiveness is, let’s discuss what happens if you aren’t choosing to embody assertiveness.

If assertiveness was a happy medium, on opposite ends of the spectrum would be:

1. Passivity

2. Aggressiveness

After reading through the characteristics of passivity and aggressiveness, I realized just how much I want to continue striving to be assertive.

It's really the middle ground that feels most aligned for me.

First, let's take a look at the characteristics of passivity.

Passivity:

• refusing to express feelings or act because of what MIGHT happen

• making excuses for other's hurtful behavior and not dealing with it with them

• over-politeness: always putting others first or letting them take your turn or disturb you without speaking up

• acting from a sense of obligation (a form of fear)

• smoothing over situations so that the real feelings do not emerge (from yourself or others)

• over-commitment

• not registering your recoil from biased remarks or jokes

• abandoning yourself by assessing abuse/past or current pain as justifiable or "understandable"

• "avoiding decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship or hoping it might change. What we are not changing, we are choosing."

Any other people nodding their heads when reading through this list?

I can honestly say that all of the characteristics of passivity resonate with me.

A few of them in particular really jumped out, especially from a relationship anxiety lens:

• refusing to express feelings or act because of what MIGHT happen—I avoided bringing up my feelings of relationship anxiety directly with Nate for a lot longer than necessary because I thought it would make him feel insecure in the relationship. Little did I know that once I chose to bring up my anxiety, it would bring us closer, and he would end up being one of my biggest supporters in my journey to work through it.

  • key lesson here: you never know how someone else will respond until you say what’s on your heart.

• smoothing over situations so that the real feelings do not emerge (from yourself or others)—I used to keep myself so busy and distracted from my relationship anxiety, and would avoid it by throwing myself into work, time with friends, or time with Nate to shove the feelings down and pretend they weren’t there. It wasn't until the pandemic started that everything came bubbling up and I knew I couldn't ignore the severity of my relationship anxiety any longer.

  • key lesson here: the real feelings will emerge eventually, better to tackle them head-on than continue to avoid them.

• "Avoiding decisive action by coping with an unsatisfactory situation or relationship or hoping it might change. What we are not changing, we are choosing."—this one stuck out to me because a year ago, I would have read it and felt extremely uneasy. I would have interpreted the statement as a sign that by staying in my "unsatisfactory relationship" I was avoiding decisive action. Now? I realize that I was coping with an "unsatisfactory situation" (my relationship anxiety) without taking action to change it. THAT is the decisive action I was avoiding taking—turning inward and facing the anxiety directly.

  • key lesson here: we have the power to change many situations, beliefs and habits in our lives if we decide it’s that important to us to make it happen—how will you use that power?

Now that we have covered passivity, let's take a look on the flip side—the characteristics of aggressiveness.

Aggressiveness:

• attempting to control or manipulate others

• putting others down by name calling, insults, or blame

• rescuing others: doing for them what they can do for themselves, makes them a victim and gives you dominance over them

• emotional or physical violence

• competitiveness and attempts to prove people wrong

• acting spitefully to people who are rude or hurtful

I was surprised after reading some of these characteristics.

I would have never considered myself to embody aggressive traits, and yet, I can recognize that I fall into some of these patterns:

• attempting to control others—I can get stuck thinking my way of thinking or being is "right" and Nate's is "wrong" and want things done my way. This is well-intended, but can still be an attempt to control nonetheless, and something I need to be mindful of.

• rescuing others—this one was very interesting, as I can sometimes notice myself jumping to show Nate how to do something if he's not picking it up right away, when I know dang well he is fully capable of figuring it out. I think there's a fine line between being helpful and rescuing, so going to stay curious about this one, and try to stay on the side of being ‘helpful’ vs. ‘rescuing’.

• competitiveness and attempts to prove people wrong—okay okay, this side of me only really comes out when I am playing board/card games, but I can really get vicious when I am swept up in the heat of the moment! It's a great reminder to aim for ‘playful’, vs. ‘competitive’.

After reading through those characteristics of passivity and aggressiveness—did you have any behaviors or patterns that may need reconsidering?

I sure did!

After realizing just how important it was for me to embody assertiveness, I wanted to keep going deeper into this subject.

David Richo goes on in the book to explain some key principles around assertiveness that I found to be worth acknowledging.

I picked some of my favorites from the chapter to share below.

Note: there are a handful of others that I left off, as I was running the risk of writing a whole chapter on this subject myself within this blog post ;-)

Principles of Assertiveness:

1. Early in your life you may have learned that it is not legitimate to:

• Show your real feelings

• Give and receive openly

• Ask for things directly

• Tell your opinions

• Take care of your own interests

• Say No to what you do not want

• Act as if you deserve abundance

Note from me: I think that even when you are raised by the most “perfect” of parents (hi, Mom and Dad!), it’s hard to go through childhood without hearing some of these messages from caretakers, friends or other adults. Whether it’s being taught to be polite, not cry in public, be agreeable, or whatever—it can be hard to experience a childhood where all feelings, opinions, interests are validated and celebrated in the moment. For those who grew up in a home with a lot of love, support and guidance, none of these messages were likely intentional. Some people are not so lucky, and grew up in homes with abuse or neglect, and these messages were likely more directly shared. Either way, this can affect how we decide to show up in the future, and may lead to more passive or aggressive behavior as a result.

2. At first you may believe yourself to be vain, cold, petty, impolite, selfish, or demanding when you act assertively

Note from me: I can relate 100% to feeling impolite or selfish when I speak up and ask for something, or share how I am feeling. Depending on the situation, it can feel like by me stating my needs, it dismisses someone else’s, or is “asking for too much.” These are beliefs I will need to work on un-learning in order to be more assertive. It’s not impolite or selfish to ask for what you want, and be direct. It’s impolite, rather, if you are being rude.

3. "The art in assertiveness is to ask strongly for what you want and then to let go of it if the answer is No."

Note from me: Wow. This one is hard for me to wrap my head around, but so good! “Let go if the answer is “No”” is easier said than done. Releasing expectations of the outcome, and not being disappointed if the answer is “No” is tough. All this to say, getting a “No” once does not mean it is a “No” forever. I think this is especially true for people who have a dream or goal, and do not stop until they get there. They had to hear a ton of “No’s” before they likely heard a “Yes.” This is where it would pay off to be assertive vs. passive. David Richo also says “your assertiveness may be interpreted by others as aggression. If this happens: adjust your manner to a level that is less threatening, reassure people you are simply asking for what you want, not demanding it” and I thought that was an important note to make so that when we are being persistent, we are not toggling on the line of aggressive.

4. You do not hurt other's feelings by being assertive. Hurt feelings in others mean:

• you are being aggressive rather than assertive (bullying)

• they are not open to interacting with an assertive person

• the assertiveness has triggered fear or sadness from their own past

Note from me: really important distinction! just because you are being assertive and someone’s feelings are hurt does not mean you did something wrong (necessarily). You can control what you say, and how you say it, but not how the other person responds.

5. Authentic self-presentation is primary

Assertiveness is about staying true to yourself. This is a huge piece of building self worth, when we can honor what we want and need in the moment.

Note from me: the intention behind being assertive is to be authentic, not to “win” or for someone else to “lose.” Assertiveness will not always be easy, but it’s easier than disappointing ourselves to keep the peace. One caveat: speaking up is not always appropriate if it means risking your safety.

6. "The assertive person asks for time to collect himself before having to respond."

Note from me: it is not necessary to be 100% sure when being assertive. It is okay to take time to respond, especially if it means sparing a conversation that would turn aggressive or passive. There is power in the “pause” before responding.

To recap, here is what it means to be assertive:

• Be clear about your feelings, choices, and agenda

• Ask for what you want

• Take responsibility for your feelings and behavior

Here are a few key ways to do that:

• Be clear by saying yes/maybe/no when you mean it

• Show your feelings and agenda openly

• Don’t shy away from asking for what you want, be it appreciation, acknowledgement of feelings, someone else’s clarity

• Take accountability for your feelings

• Admit any mistakes or oversights

If you start there, I’d say you are ahead of the curve.

I’ll leave you with these final thoughts on assertiveness:

"Assertiveness is affirming your own truth and receiving other's truth"

Assertiveness is living authentically.

Cheers to that!

xx

Sarah