There’s an old adage that “we can either be right, or be in a relationship.”
Let’s unpack this, where I believe there is truth to it, and how it impacts relationship anxiety.
Often times, my clients come to me because they’re having a hard time accepting their partner’s beliefs and behaviors.
One step beyond that, maybe they view themselves as better than their partner because of their differing beliefs and behaviors.
This leads to anxiety that they’re in the wrong relationship.
It also leads into a very common human behavior: wanting to be right.
When we encounter different beliefs from ours, we often slip into discomfort and wanting to “be right” or “win” so that our identity, and thus, our beliefs, aren’t questioned.
For example, let’s say you are more liberal and your partner is more conservative.
At your cores, you both believe in human equality, kindness towards all, and want to see a world with less division.
However, when it comes to certain issues circulating around the news, you may find yourself disagreeing with one another or not understanding the other person’s perspective.
Which leads to a classic intrusive thought of “I don’t know if I can be with someone who thinks that way...” or “we’re too different...this is too hard.”
If every time we disagree with our partner, we jump to thinking we can’t be together or that things are too hard, IT’S NO WONDER we’d feel anxious.
However, if we choose to see disagreements as a way to better understand one another, and better connect—we may just have a shot at finding more acceptance in our relationship and a deeper connection.
Yung Pueblo, author and poet, writes about this beautifully. He says:
“Understanding Instead of Winning: When two people are in close proximity there will eventually be some form of conflict that arises; how you handle conflicts over time can determine whether your connection becomes deeper or whether you start drifting apart.
Conflict is natural because we all carry egos that are normally more motivated by craving than honesty. When conflict arises, it is not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong, it is actually an opportunity for you both to know yourselves more deeply and to practice honoring your truths while remaining flexible.
Conflict should not be seen as something that should never happen, often it appears so that you can reach a deeper level of understanding which opens the door to greater harmony. Ego craves to win, but loving clarity seeks to understand. When you bring awareness to your ego, it loses its power and gives more space for your actions to become motivated by a loving clarity.
In these difficult moments, you want to be fair and take turns describing your perspectives. It is especially helpful if you focus your narratives around how you felt as things transpired as opposed to just placing blame.
You shouldn’t try to invalidate each other’s perspectives. Once it is clear how you both felt, the real work revolves around collectively figuring out how you can meet each other in the middle and move forward.”
— YP
There is so much goodness to dissect in Yung Pueblo’s words. A handful of things jumped out at me:
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“How you handle conflicts over time can determine whether your connection becomes deeper or whether you start drifting apart.” — this feels so true to me, and I’ll add that this is a common theme amongst ALL relationships. We think that in a picture-perfect relationship, we’ll agree on everything and never have conflict, but this is not the case. Of course, there are relationships with higher levels of agreement and compatibility than others, but according to Gottman Institute research, it’s more important to focus on HOW you’re disagreeing, not HOW MUCH you’re disagreeing.
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“[Conflict is a chance to] practice honoring your truths while remaining flexible.” — this is such a powerful statement. Self-sacrificing in a relationship and never communicating what you believe (or your “truth”) is not helpful, however, bulldozing your partner(s) and only allowing space for your beliefs (or “truths”) is not helpful, either. There needs to be space for all parties to speak their minds and hearts, while being flexible to hearing other perspectives and validating them as true, too.
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”Ego craves to win, but loving clarity seeks to understand.” — how would our relationships change if instead of trying to “win” and “be right” we sought to better understand the people across from us? It’s so challenging to do in the moment, but practicing the ability to listen to a loved one without invalidating them is major in relationships. And the more we can practice this, the more we may receive it in return.
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“Once it is clear how you both felt, the real work revolves around collectively figuring out how you can meet each other in the middle and move forward.” — compromise is essential in relationships. It’s not “my way or the highway” but “let’s tackle this as a team, even if it means neither of us are getting the exact result we expected.” This is a skill that is involved in all relationships, and expecting otherwise is dangerous. Being in a relationship without any compromise could mean one person is always getting their way, and another person is always allowing that to happen.
Let’s return to the saying “we can be right, or be in a relationship” now after reflecting on Yung Pueblo’s powerful words about seeking understanding over winning.
This statement feels mostly true for me in my relationship experience thus far.
When I try to “win” over Nate, even if my ego feels better in the moment, I usually almost always feel guilty after.
And same with him, even if he “proves me wrong,” we both feel pretty crappy.
When one person “wins,” the relationship often “loses.”
When we can seek understanding instead of winning, it means we:
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Don’t hop on a high horse and look down at someone else’s beliefs or behaviors.
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Prioritize the greater good over “winning.”
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Seek to understand one another instead of judge.
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Swallow our pride and realize our beliefs are not “right” or “wrong,” they’re subjective.
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Value connection over being a champion.
It’s hard to pull ourselves out of the desire to win and be right, but goodness do our relationships depend on it.
Next time you find yourself thinking that your partner needs to change or grow, I want you to ask yourself: “is my ego running the show here...?”
Most times, it is.
And most times, we can then decide to choose the relationship over being right*.
*assumes you’re in a relationship without abuse present and where you’re not sacrificing major life values.
