Let's face it, dealing with difficult emotions or experiences is—difficult.
It can take some serious inner work to be able to face them head-on in the moment.
When I reflect on some of the more upsetting conversations or events that have occurred in my life, I know that there have been times where I did not handle or process my emotions in the way I would have liked.
But, that's why I love learning so much—I can continue to explore better ways to handle things after I read/hear about methods that come straight from experts.
One such expert is Susan David, Ph.D., one of the world’s leading management thinkers and award-winning Harvard Medical School psychologist. She has done a ton of work around what it takes to have emotional agility, as she calls it.
According to Susan, there are two main characteristics people use to deal with difficult emotions or experiences:
-
Bottling
-
Brooding
“Bottling is essentially pushing the emotion down. For example, you’re upset with a person. You’re feeling angry because you feel exploited, and what you do is you tell yourself, ‘I’m just not going to go there, and I’ve got to go to work. I’ve got all this other stuff to do.’
And what you are doing is pushing the emotions down. Often you do this with very good intentions. You feel at some level that emotions are locked up in a bottle, and you have all of this other stuff that you can’t do, so you continue to push the emotions into a bottle, per se.
Brooding is when you are so consumed with the emotions you’re feeling that it becomes difficult to do anything else. When you’re brooding, you’re dwelling on the emotions, you’re analyzing hurt. You’re thinking, Why am I feeling what I’m feeling?
It’s like you can’t let go and you obsess over the hurt, a perceived failure, or a shortcoming. Brooding has some very good intentions—one of which is to try to deal with emotions effectively. So both bottling and brooding are done with good intentions [... but] we know from research that it tends not to work.”
///
Personally, I have experienced both Bottling and Brooding when I am trying to deal with difficult emotions within my relationship. Below are some examples:
Bottling
-
In the first half of my relationship with Nate, I was afraid to be the "nagging girlfriend." There were times where I felt irritated, jealous or upset but did not want to share it with him, so instead I would bottle up my emotions and (without intending to) be passive aggressive. Luckily, Nate has very strong EQ and could tell things were wrong (even with my attempts to hide the emotions). He would prod me to share my feelings, but it took some time for me to feel comfortable sharing these thoughts with him.
-
Similarly, with regards to my relationship anxiety, I was ashamed to have doubts about my relationship and thought that Nate would feel offended or insecure if I shared these thoughts with him. I thought that I could "fix" these anxious thoughts on my own without needing to tell him—and spoiler alert: I couldn't. Very grateful that when I did finally open up to him about these feelings more directly, he was extremely supportive and empathetic.
Note: you’ll notice in both of the examples I’ve shared above that I was making assumptions about how Nate would feel without talking to him openly about it. I thought he would think I was a “nagging girlfriend” and thought he would feel insecure or offended about my relationship anxiety, when in reality—he just wants to love me and support me. This is why it’s so important to have open lines of communication with your significant other—we are not mind-readers y’all!
My thoughts on Bottling: while it may feel safer to avoid painful feelings in the moment and bottle them up, it really just ends up hurting you to hold them in. The best way to move through something faster is to face it, not push it down and pretend it does not exist. I always feel a huge sigh of relief when I have the courage to speak my mind and be vulnerable with Nate.
Brooding
-
I'm a recovering ruminator—and I've had many nights where I lie awake replaying a situation with Nate that has prevented me from falling asleep. It could have been a silly disagreement that we’d already moved on from, but my mind could not let it go. This still happens from time to time, and I am always envious of Nate who seems to be able to fall asleep much quicker than I can, even with something on his mind.
-
When it came to my relationship anxiety (specifically at it’s peak), I could not seem to get out of my head. I would obsess over anything from whether or not Nate was the right partner, to imagining us getting married then divorced down the line, to comparison traps…the list goes on. When I was in this place, I would have a hard time focusing on the present moment—be it work, or a night out that I could have been enjoying with loved ones (Nate included).
Note: I’m grateful to say that bringing awareness to Brooding tendencies is really helpful. If you are not aware that you tend to overthink things, or think that constant intrusive or obsessive thoughts are a normal part of life that you just have to live with—than you may be selling yourself short and depriving yourself from a more peaceful state of being.
My thoughts on Brooding: being stuck in your own head is not a fun place to be, and it can become a dangerous habit to engage with. Finding ways to get out of your head (be it journaling, exercising, distracting yourself with a different topic, meditation) and get back into the present is so important
Bottling (avoidance) and Brooding (hyper focus) both can take a toll on your physical and mental wellbeing, so it’s important to find a balance and bring awareness to these behaviors.
///
In order to help become more emotionally agile and move through emotions without Bottling or Brooding, Susan shares four key concepts in her book Emotional Agility (credit: SusanDavid.com)
-
Showing Up: Instead of ignoring difficult thoughts and emotions or overemphasizing ‘positive thinking’, facing into your thoughts, emotions and behaviors willingly, with curiosity and kindness.
-
Stepping Out: Detaching from, and observing your thoughts and emotions to see them for what they are—just thoughts, just emotions.
-
Walking Your Why: Your core values provide the compass that keeps you moving in the right direction. Know your why, and act accordingly.
-
Moving On: Small deliberate tweaks to your mindset, motivation, and habits can make a powerful difference in your life.
Check out her book for more insights!
