Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
— Brené Brown (originally heard in a 12-step meeting she attended)
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In any relationship, intimate or not, it's important to communicate with clarity.
This past week I thought a lot about boundaries and how to communicate with Nate about my feelings.
I realized that times where I felt disappointed or let down by something Nate did usually were a result of unclear (or lack of) communication on my side.
Some recent examples:
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not being in the touchy/feely mood when Nate is—and then getting annoyed by him showing too much affection or physical touch
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telling Nate something during a moment when he is distracted by a work task or not fully paying attention—and then getting upset when he didn't remember what I had told him later
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not clarifying which one of us is going to handle a task (trash out, for example)—and then expecting Nate to handle without asking or discussing
All of these examples are fairly common within my relationship, but they do not have to be!
Because at the end of the day, I know that Nate wants to see me happy.
His actions reflect that.
So this got me thinking...
The people we love and who love us [should] want to see us happy.
That's part of the deal—right? ;-)
Well, lately I have realized that the people who love us can only show up for us and make us happy if we clearly outline what it will take to make us happy in the first place. They are not mind-readers, so we must help them out.
But how?
By clearly asking for what we want.
It's not nagging, it's kindness.
As Brené learned in her 12-step meeting:
Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
With that concept in mind, let's rewrite my lack of communication examples from before...
Instead of: not being in the touchy/feely mood when Nate is—and then getting annoyed by him showing too much affection or physical touch
What about: "I'm feeling the need for more space/alone time right now, would you be willing to let me lay on the couch without trying to snuggle this evening?
Instead of: telling Nate something during a moment when he is distracted by a work task or not fully paying attention—and then getting upset when he didn't remember what I had told him later
What about: "I'd like to share something with you and make sure you hear me, is now a good time to talk?"
Instead of: not clarifying which one of us is going to handle a task (trash out, for example)—and then expecting Nate to handle without asking or discussing
What about: "Let's clarify who is going to tackle what chores this week (or better yet...always!)—if I do dishes can you please make sure the trash goes out?"
This type of communication has a lot higher probability of solving the issue.
So next time you are about to communicate with a loved one, partner, colleague or friend—just remember:
