A few weeks ago, Nate and I had a very candid conversation about what it means to be in a long-term relationship.
As I write this, I realize that my "long-term" relationship is no comparison to many couples who have been together double, triple, or even 10x the amount of time we have been.
And yet, I can only speak based on my own personal experience, and for me this is the longest-term relationship I have been in (and hope to ever be in, as we continue growing together).
The conversation started when I asked Nate while out to dinner one evening what he's learned about our relationship since moving to Sweden together.
His answer (which would have 1,000% triggered me a year ago) ended up starting an important dialogue that I think all couples and relationships should acknowledge.
He said:
"I've learned that we've become even more comfortable together, which is not good or bad, it's something we can appreciate, AND also still should be aware of."
Like I said, a year ago, this would have sent me deep into the dark corners of my mind with scary what-if thoughts:
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what if we're just meant to be best friends, and we're not really in love?
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what if we're going to turn into a boring couple who exist really just as roommates?
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what if this means he's getting bored of me, or if it means I am getting bored of him?
Crazy how much the anxious mind can assign meaning to a simple comment if we let it go there...
Anyways, luckily, that was not the path my mind went down this time.
It's taken me years to get to this place, but now I can hear comments like that and get curious instead.
I asked him to clarify what he meant, and he ended up giving me a great analogy to help explain the point further:
"If you go to the gym every week with a gym buddy, and do the exact same exercises for each workout—the first few weeks that you go, you will be excited—and then eventually it gets a bit boring. So, then, you have to take it into your own hands and choose to switch things up now again and maybe do hot yoga, or try new exercises."
That made complete and total sense to me, and was a great illustration that removed me out of focusing on my relationship and into a world where it felt less "big and scary"—the gym, or a workout routine.
Once we talked about it more about it, I completely agreed with him.
Funny enough, I had been thinking the same dang thing, and had just been afraid to admit it.
Every so often, I notice that we have gotten so much more comfortable with one another since we moved to a new country. It makes complete sense, we are in a new place where we hardly know anyone else, spend a ton of time together (between remote working, and exploring our new city/country, and not having our best friends and family here), and have gotten into a routine.
But comfort is NOT necessarily a bad thing, in any way shape or form.
In many ways, it's a beautiful thing, and means that you can truly be yourself around someone.
There are less moments of feeling like you need to "impress" this person, because you know they already love you for exactly who you are.
There are more moments of improved communication, shared understanding, and emotional intimacy shared between you.
And if you don't assign getting comfortable with one another as a problem, it can be really reassuring to know that you've come so far as a couple and finally reached this place where you just feel like things are secure.
However, as always, I like to acknowledge that there are two sides to the same coin.
While I don't believe that getting too comfortable is inherently bad or a problem, I think that eventually (and every couple will vary in time that this takes)—refusing to acknowledge this comfort level will lead to the relationship feeling stale and boring.
Our bodies are wired to crave dopamine and it can help to keep switching things up every now and then.
So, what did I realize from this conversation with Nate?
I realized that awareness is key.
The fact that we both were aware and open to discussing that we've gotten more comfortable around each other (in both helpful and not-so-helpful ways) led us to being able to discuss next steps.
We confirmed that this does not in any way shape or form change the love we have for one another (which I think was a very important part of the conversation), but also acknowledged that after some of the "newness" of being here in Sweden has started to wear off (we've been here over 3 months now—what?!), we've gotten into a routine and need to be mindful of it.
After spending more time reflecting, I realized that of course our brains are going to crave consistency, the path of least resistance, and comfort.
It's easy and natural to fall into a consistent routine/pattern/schedule, and nothing to feel ashamed of (a reminder; there are many benefits to this comfort).
I also realized when the habit and pattern is wake up together, work from home all day together, workout together, go out to dinner together, watch a podcast/Netflix show together, then cuddle and go to bed together DAILY, then of course things are going to be more comfortable.
And this is where we have to be intentional in relationships.
We have to remind ourselves to switch things up and create excitement (be it in our daily routine, choices in restaurant or meals at home), to get alone time for our own wellbeing (and bonus: to get an opportunity to miss each other), or even to make plans to explore other parts of Sweden (we ended up booking a weekend trip up to Gothenburg, Sweden shortly after that conversation and it was so much fun, really helped us get out of our routine here in Malmö!).
To close, I'll say this.
Getting more comfortable with one another has many beneficial elements to it, and some that are detrimental if not brought to awareness.
The meaning we create from it matters—and the comfort doesn't have to mean your relationship is getting stale, but rather, it can be a nudge to add more variety back in.
Has this happened to you and your partner recently? Would love to hear what you've been doing to switch things up lately!
