read time: 8 min
Having needs and desires in a relationship does not make you needy, it makes you human.
We all have needs and desires, and pretending otherwise is kidding ourselves.
One of the great parts about relationships is that there are opportunities for us to fulfill another person’s needs (which actually can feel really freakin’ good), and the opportunity for them to fulfill ours (which also can feel really freakin’ good).
No, the needs may not be fully met 100% of the time - the other person isn’t fully responsible for meeting our needs 24/7/365.
No, the needs may not be met without requesting them - the other person isn’t a mind-reader.
No, the needs may not be met perfectly - the other person is a flawed human being, just like we are, and sometimes they may miss the mark.
However, when we can learn to communicate and discuss our needs effectively in a relationship (and keep having the conversations - it’s not a one and done!), there becomes opportunity for more connection and growth over time.
I’m currently reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg and in the book, he breaks down a 4-step process for sharing your feelings, needs, and requests to your partner (or anyone else in your life).
I think this process is very straightforward and practical, though it’s not necessarily easy to implement in the moment without practicing it — which may take some time! (That’s okay...sadly we didn’t learn these types of things in school, so it’s normal for new information like this to take time to implement).
Communicating feelings, needs, or requests has not always been easy for me (and sometimes I still struggle).
Yet, I noticed that almost instantly after reading these 4 steps, I was able to use them towards Nate and the conversation went infinitely better than it would have a couple years ago.
Before I share that example, let me break down the 4 steps of nonviolent communication and give a quick overview of what they mean from my understanding.
The four components of nonviolent communication are as follows:
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Observations
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Feelings
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Needs (or desires - I like that word, too)
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Requests
Observations: in this first step, the key is to observe what is happening objectively and without judgment. This is when we notice what we like or do not like about what is happening around us, but without adding a layer or story on top of it.
Example of a judgment: “why did you leave dishes in the sink AGAIN? you’re so dirty and never listen to what I ask you to do!”
Example of an observation: “I noticed that there are some dishes in the sink.”
Feelings: in this second step, the key is to note how you feel when you observe what happened. Again here, you want to try and identify a specific feeling instead of jumping into judgment of another person or what’s happening.
Example of an opinion: “I feel like that is so rude, since I always have to remind you to put the dishes away.”
Example of a feeling: “I feel irritated by there being dishes in the sink.”
Needs: in this third step, the key is to share what need (or desire) you have tied to the situation at hand (and potentially some detail as to why, to help the person continue to understand you)
Example of a need: “I need/desire a clean kitchen so that when I come in to cook, I can use the space.” or “I need/desire a clean kitchen because it causes me to feel anxious when I notice the dishes stacking up.”
Requests: in this fourth step, the key is to ask for a specific request that results from what you’ve observed, feel, and need/desire. Ideally, this will be phrased in this format: “would you be willing to... [insert request here]?” so that it is not a demand.
Example of a request: “Would you be willing to come clean up the dishes that were left in the sink?”
Putting it all together, dishes example:
Observation: “I noticed that there are some dishes in the sink.”
Feeling: “I feel irritated by there being dishes in the sink.”
Need/desire: “I need/desire a clean kitchen so that when I come in to cook, I can use the space.”
Request: Would you be willing to come clean up the dishes that were left in the sink?”
The example of me using the nonviolent communication steps with Nate happened last week.
I’m currently back in the United States visiting friends and family, and Nate was here then had to go back to Sweden for a work conference, so we’ve been apart.
We didn’t proactively communicate about how busy he would be at his work event, and we didn’t discuss a communication schedule.
I don’t need to talk all day every day, but I am definitely the type of person who appreciates a “good morning - hope you have a great day - miss you” type text (especially if Nate is 6 hours ahead of me where my morning is his afternoon).
If we’re in the same timezone, I happily initiate “good morning” texts or communication and don’t feel it’s fully on him to initiate.
However, I noticed I started feeling disappointed that some mornings, when it was 8am my time let’s say, and 2pm his time, I hadn’t heard anything from him that day.
While I know how much Nate loves and misses me when we’re apart, it’s nice to be reminded of it or to feel like he’s thought of me that day.
So, I decided to use the 4 steps and communicate how I was feeling.
Here is the text I sent Nate last week — which looking back, I think could have used some improvement, but got the basics across:
“Hi bb:)
Hope you’ve had a really good time!
I’ve noticed that since you being back in Sweden, there’s been a few times where I wake up and have no text from you in the morning and feel disappointed. [observation]
The story I tell myself then (which isn’t true, just my story) is that it’s almost 2/3pm by that point of the day for you and you haven’t thought of me yet that day, meanwhile I am waking up excited to check in) [feelings-ish...I could have been more direct about how it made me feel]
We never talked about it so that’s fully on me and I didn’t think to proactively mention anything but I think I would like to talk about it what you’d be willing to do, even a simple “hope you have a good day!” text and of course a handful of phone calls or FTs before we see each other again would be nice but doesn’t need to be a crazy amount [opening up a request + discussion]
What do you think?”
A couple things I would have changed:
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“so that’s fully on me” — I don’t necessarily think this is fully on me, but it’s not fully on him either, I could have left this part out
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I could have more directly stated my feelings and needs
Even with the changes I may have made looking back, this is lightyears ahead of what my old communication looked like.
My old tactics would have consisted of one or more of the following:
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Not texting him first at all, waiting until he texted me to test how long it would take (but still checking my phone irritated until it happened)
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Once I received said text, I would have probably responded in a more “short” tone — aka being passive aggressive
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I would have waited to get a “is something wrong” question from Nate before sharing my feelings about the situation
Let me tell you — the approach I took worked WAY BETTER.
Nate received what I had to say, validated how I was feeling and thanked me for bringing it up.
Later, he even joked “you should do a post telling people how you handled that compared to the old communication you u sed!” because he recognized the improvement.
So...here I am :) (great idea, N!)
Another interesting piece of the Nonviolent Communication book that stood out to me was when Marshall Rosenberg identifies some types of communication that “block compassion.”
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I’ve done all of these before, so when I share them, please know I am not here to shame you or make you feel bad.
If anything, I want to normalize these, while also still helping bring awareness to the fact that maybe they’re not quite as helpful to strengthening your relationships as the 4 “NVC” steps I shared earlier.
Some examples of communication that blocks compassion:
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Making moralistic judgments: this type of communication implies “wrongness” or “badness” when someone doesn’t act in harmony with our values. “I’m right, you’re wrong” type of language. The reason this type of communication blocks compassion is it can result in people responding to our values and needs out of fear, guilt or shame not out of genuine giving from the heart. This may lead to resentment.
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Making comparisons (something my mind looooves doing!): this ends up being a form of judgment towards yourself or others, “they’re better,” or “they’re worse”
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Denial of responsibility: this happens when we blame circumstances or others for our actions or beliefs; saying things like “I had to do this,” or “you made me mad” instead of “I chose to do this because [xyz]” or “I was mad when I saw you do [xyz]” — these differences in language are subtle, but important
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Communicating our desires as demands: this threatens the listener with blame or punishment if they fail to comply (”If you don’t do the dishes, I will be so pissed.”)
Keep these types of compassion-blocking-communication styles in mind as you continue navigating in your relationships so you can be mindful of how your language is affecting the dynamic.
Last but not least, I want to give a couple disclaimers:
1 - As always, my content does not apply to abusive relationships, period.
So if you find that you’re in a relationship where the way you communicate feels hurtful and crosses boundaries consistently, be mindful of this.
Additionally, I know that many of my clients or community members have a fear that they are the one treating their partner in hurtful ways.
Of course, there are levels to this and it’s worth opening a dialogue between you and your partner about how you speak to each other and see if there are any boundaries that may need to be discussed (ex: “if you use this language, I will leave the conversation - if you use this language after I’ve asked you to not repeatedly, I will have to reconsider being in this relationship.”)
2 - There is a difference between someone being unable or unwilling to meet your needs and them not knowing about them (or not being clear on the expectations around them).
Our needs may be constantly evolving and changing, so they should be discussed continually and checked in on between the people in the relationship.
This isn’t a one-and-done conversation (of course there are exceptions, like if you’re setting a hard and fast boundary around abuse, for example).
However, if you notice that after you’ve discussed something with a partner, if they are unwilling or unable to meet a specific need/desire — this is worth paying attention to.
Sometimes, someone quite simply can’t meet your needs, and from there you can decide “is this need important for THIS SPECIFIC person to meet, and if so, can I continue being in this relationship if they cannot meet the need?”
Only you know that answer, but it will take some honest and direct conversations!
Rooting for you...
