compromise

How much compromise is too much compromise within a relationship?

The short answer is I don't know, it's different for every relationship.

(imagine if I had ended the blog post there! womp womp…)

The long, more nuanced answer is one that I hope helps you reflect on what compromise means to you within your relationship, because there is no one-size-fits-all definition of what is too much or too little compromise.

It's all about what works for you and your relationship (something you’ll hear me say again and again on this blog + social media).

Before I share my thoughts on how to assess what compromise looks like within your relationship, let's back up and:

• define compromise

• reflect on why the idea of compromise can be scary to us in the first place

Compromise means an agreement or settlement that is reached by each side making concessions.

I think the ‘concessions’ is an important distinction because it explains that you’re typically each giving something up, or meeting somewhere in the middle (not exactly 50/50 though!) from the original idea/desire.

Now on to why I think compromise is scary for humans.

I say scary because if we weren't scared of compromising, we'd be doing it easily, right?

Ultimately, I think that we're scared of compromising too much in a relationship out of fear of losing ourself in the process.

We want to make sure we're not giving up a piece of ourself that is meaningful to us and our wellbeing.

And despite how much we love our partner, compromise can feel like just that: losing out on something because of someone else.

Understanding this is important, because if we aren't honest about this fear, the conversations around compromise with our partner may feel like they're coming from a place of selfishness instead of a place of self-love.

Selfishness would appear, as the definition states; lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Not wanting to compromise from a place of selfishness may sound like:

"That's not how I imagined things going…so I don't want to do it!"

Self-love, instead, may appear more like; regard for one's own well-being and happiness.

To that point, coming from a place of self-love could sound like:

"I would like to make decisions that are closest aligned to my life values, so that is the lens I am coming from in this discussion."

This is a huge difference!

While I can't guarantee what the outcome of the conversation will look like in either scenario, I can imagine that if the people within the relationship are coming from a place of self-love instead of selfishness—the conversation itself will flow from a much more understanding place, resulting in an easier time coming to a compromise. Again—can’t guarantee that, but it’s my two cents.

If nothing else, it will help you and your partner(s) continue getting to understand each other's inner world—knowing why the compromise means a lot to you, and understanding each other's positions so you're coming to a decision both understanding what you're "gaining" and "giving up."

Having to make many decisions from a place of "we" instead of "me" is a big part of being in a relationship—and at the same time, of course I believe that it's important to continue to make sure your needs are being factored in, not left in the dust.

It's a balancing act.

There are likely times where a compromise will lean more towards one side than the other.

And if you're coming from a "tit-for-tat" mentality in your relationship (aka, keeping score of all compromises), you may find that for a period of time, there are more than one compromises leaning towards one person's side than the other.

If you’re tracking this and constantly analyzing if you’re giving up too much without getting anything back, you may resent them/the situation you’re in.

However, my belief is that if we zoom out of the individual compromises and look at the compromises over the course of a long-term relationship, there will inevitably be times where that switches…where the compromises leaning in one person's direction will switch over to the other.

Looking at each compromise in a vacuum vs. reflecting about how compromise happens as a whole in the relationship may cause conflict.

Zooming out and look at the full relationship feels like a better representation of how compromise is handled, not on a case-by-case basis.

And if you and your partner have not discussed how you handle compromise or reflected on how compromise has played out in your relationship so far, maybe it's worth doing so.

Here are some questions/notes to consider if you worry you're compromising too much or changing too much for your partner:

1. What is my own definition of compromise and how I'd like it to show up in my relationship? (consider sharing with your partner, and asking for theirs)

2. Do I believe all compromise means "changing for a partner,"—or am I willing to see part of compromise as "experiencing new things that open my mind and heart up to something fun and enjoyable, regardless of who introduced me"?

3. When I participate in or reflect back on XYZ activity/experience that was influenced by my partner, does it/did it make me feel good or bad? If it made me feel good, can I acknowledge that I enjoyed it and feel grateful my partner introduced it into my life? If it made me feel bad, was it because I was resisting the activity out of fear of giving up a part of myself, or did I genuinely not enjoy it or feel like it went against my values?

4. When I think about the ways I have evolved since dating my partner, do I feel proud or embarrassed? If embarrassed, maybe am I compromising too much and need more boundaries/discussions with my partner so they understand my point of view.

5. When I think about making compromises for the sake of my relationship, can I see this as a mutually beneficial thing, or does it feel really one-sided? If mutually beneficial, great! If it feels really one sided, this doesn't mean you need to pack your bags and leave this relationship—it may mean you haven't communicated these needs/frustrations with your partner in a way that got through to them.

The answers to those questions/notes will give you valuable information to decide if you and your partner may need to re-align on how you're influencing one another.

I'll end with a little reminder:

Fear often bubbles up when we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, regardless of whether that change is 'positive' or 'negative'.

If your partner is constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone, that doesn't necessarily mean you're giving up a part of yourself.

It may mean you're evolving into a new version of yourself.

Only you can truly reflect on which of those feels true for you…