When I begin working with a new private coaching client, one of the first questions I ask of them is “what is your definition of a dream relationship?”
The answers I get vary.
Some of them lean towards extreme, “all-or-nothing” thinking: “we’re happy all the time, we never argue, we enjoy the exact same activities, I never doubt my feelings towards them...”
Some of them are a bit more gentle: “a relationship where we support one another, where we grow together and as individuals, where we’re fulfilled, and where more often than not, there are feelings of appreciation.”
Once the answer is written down, I ask my clients to identify which parts of the definition came from themselves, and which parts came from societal or friends/family’s narratives.
In the more all-or-nothing answers, my clients can usually identify that the majority of the answer came from societal expectations or pressures, whereas in the gentler answers, the majority of the response came from their own visions of what it means to be in a loving relationship.
This exercise can be very eye-opening, as it gives you a good sense of what you’re “striving towards” in a relationship.
And once you better understand what you’re striving towards, you can often better identify where your disappointment or anxiety is stemming from in a relationship (especially if your reality is not in-line with your expectations).
Before we get too much further, let me say that I am not here to “poo poo” anyone’s version of their dream relationship, or say that your expectations are never going to come to fruition.
The cool part about humanity is that we all have unique perspective and frames of reference in which we view the world, which leads to different preferences (and thus, different definitions of a dream relationship).
I do believe, however, that it’s important to take the time to examine our dream relationship definitions and decide if they’re actually helpful, or if perhaps they’re dipping into perfectionism and leading us to feel anxious and disempowered.
Often times, when I reflect back to a client their dream relationship definition—they can identify which parts of it that are leading to shame and guilt, and which parts feel empowering and supportive.
I experienced the same thing when I re-examined my “#relationshipgoals.” And slowly, brick by brick, I’ve revised my definition of a “dream relationship” or “#relationshipgoals” to be one that inspires me, instead of causes anxiety.
That’s why in this blog post, I’d like to help you do a few things:
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Define your dream relationship
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Decide if this dream relationship is empowering or disempowering
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If needed, redefine your dream relationship
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Understand how to work towards your newly defined dream relationship and feel fulfilled
1 - Defining your dream relationship
For starters—take a few moments to answer the question: “what is your definition of a dream relationship?”
I encourage you to really do this! Pause, reflect, and write your answer to this question down somewhere—on your phone, or a journal.
You can write about anything you want: how you feel in this relationship, how you treat your partner(s) and how they treat you, how your sex life looks, how often you spend time together, what you do together, what you talk about, what feelings come up, and more...
2 - Deciding if this dream relationship is empowering or disempowering
After you’ve done that, I want you to read through what you wrote and ask yourself some questions:
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When I review my dream relationship definition, do I feel inspired, or do I feel like it’s leading me to feel anxious?
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When I review my dream relationship definition, do I feel authentic to my own needs and desires, or do I feel like I’m trying to confirm to societal expectations?
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When I review my dream relationship definition, do I allow space for imperfection, or am I expecting things to go perfectly?
When you feel empowered, you likely feel strong, confident, and able to do things.
When you feel disempowered, you likely feel unmotivated, and unable to do things.
Let’s revisit the definitions from the beginning of the blog post and explore which was more empowering vs. disempowering:
Definition A: “we’re happy all the time, we never argue, we enjoy the exact same activities, I never doubt my feelings towards them...”
Definition B: “a relationship where we support one another, where we grow together and as individuals, where we’re fulfilled, and where more often than not, there are feelings of appreciation.”
Definition A is disempowering (at least to me). It’s expecting perfection, and leaves no room for the ups and downs that life brings. It causes me to feel worried that I can’t measure up.
Definition B, on the other hand, is empowering (to me). It’s supportive, and it feels realistic. It doesn’t cause me to feel overwhelmed or “less than.”
Do you agree?
Now, it’s your turn!
Please take a moment to read through your dream relationship definition.
When you do—does it feel empowering or disempowering? Why?
Based on your answer to that question, we move into the third step:
3 - If needed—redefining your dream relationship
If you felt empowered after reading your dream relationship definition, that’s awesome! Feel free to skip ahead to the next section.
If you felt disempowered after reading your dream relationship definition, that’s awesome too! It means you now have the opportunity to evolve the definition into one that feels more empowering.
Here are some considerations to think of as you re-write your definition:
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If your mind went blank and forgot all of the comparisons it’s made to couples on social media—how would your definition of a dream relationship change?
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If your friends and family would approve of your relationship no matter what (assuming it’s safe and free of abuse/mistreatment)—what would that look like?
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If you could throw away any expectations and societal pressures (timelines, how you “should” be treated, etc.)—what would change in your dream relationship definition?
Take however long you need and create your new empowering dream relationship definition.
4 - How to work towards your newly defined dream relationship and feel fulfilled
It’s one thing to reflect and daydream, but it’s another to put something into action.
I want to help you implement this information, not just learn it and never use it again!
So, here’s an exercise to help you do just that.
Taking your new dream relationship definition, answer the following questions:
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In my dream relationship, what are the top 3 feelings that will be felt? (example: supported, appreciated, respected)
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In my dream relationship, what are the top 3 experiences that will be experienced? (example: laughter, physical touch, adventure)
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How can I take initiative in bringing these feelings and experiences to life in my relationship (or future relationship) starting TODAY?
This third question is the most important one, and you can really get as detailed as you’d like here. I’ll illustrate an example of how one could take action on the three feelings and experiences listed in the examples:
In my dream relationship, I will feel supported (and support my partner(s)), I will feel appreciated (and appreciate my partner(s)), and I will feel respected (and respect my partner(s)).
Supported: I will initiate more support in my relationship by asking my partner(s) about their dreams and goals frequently (at least quarterly) and making sure they feel like I am on board and their teammate. I will ask my partner(s) if they are willing to listen to my dreams and goals and ask for their support and for them to be my cheerleader.
Appreciated: I will initiate more appreciation in my relationship by sharing one thing I am grateful for each day in my relationship or about my partner(s). If I am craving appreciation and not receiving it, I will ask for it directly (ex: “I’d like to hear your appreciation for me taking care of the chores, are you willing to do that?”).
Respected: I will initiate more respect in my relationship by putting my phone down when my partner(s) talks. I will initiate more respect by listening to understand, not listening to respond, and not interrupting until they’re done speaking. I will set and enforce boundaries in my relationship to foster more respect, and as my partner(s) if they have any boundaries they’d like to share with me.
In my dream relationship, I will experience laughter, physical touch, and adventure with my partner(s).
Laughter: I will take initiative to cultivate a relationship with more laughter by having monthly “comedy night” where we either go out to a local comedy club or watch a stand-up show online. I will take initiative to look for funny memes or jokes that my partner(s) will laugh at and send it to them when I notice them.
Physical touch: I will initiate more touch through asking my partner(s) what their favorite way to be touched is (both sexually or non-sexually) and sharing mine with them. I will make a point to do more of what they shared and show appreciation when they do the same for me. I will make an intention to initiate morning or evening cuddles in bed, even if I’m tired.
Adventure: I will initiate more adventure in my relationship by planning a spontaneous date night or day trip quarterly. I will initiate more adventure in my relationship by surprising my partner with their favorite (small) gift or treat when they’re least expecting it. I will initiate more adventure in my relationship by asking my partner(s) their bucket list and seeing which activities we could make happen.
Sound like a lot of work?
Well, it sure beats feeling like the fate of your relationship is out of your hands.
So often we’re waiting for our dream relationship to magically fall in our laps, and we underestimate just how much power we hold to shape it ourselves.
Great relationships are built, not found, my friend!
Now get those building blocks out and get to work ;-)
Disclaimer: having the buy-in of your partner for this is a huge bonus. If your partner is unwilling or unable to participate in helping build your definition of a dream relationship, perhaps you can ask them to define theirs and see where the disconnect it.
My work is based on the assumption that you’re in a safe relationship without abuse present, a relationship where your life visions are aligned (or both respected), and that you WANT to work. When someone isn’t as invested in the relationship growth, or unwilling to grow at all—that can definitely affect the relationship unit as a whole.
Ultimately, it’s your choice if being in relationship with someone who is unwilling to grow is empowering or disempowering for you. However, there’s nuance to this, and please note we can’t expect our partner’s to be available and willing to work on the relationship 24/7 either. It’s a balancing act...
