differences and red flags

Differences between partners in relationships can cause a lot of doubt:

"What if we are not compatible enough?"

"If my partner does not think the same way I do about {XYZ} does this mean we'll always argue about it?"

"Shouldn't we be more in sync? Is this a bad sign?"

And these doubts can have us thinking that another partner would not have differences and thus we would not be feeling this way in a more "perfect match."

While I do believe that there are some people who are just weirdly more compatible with one another, I do not believe that any relationship is made up of people without differences.

I also do not believe in searching endlessly until we find someone who we’re “more compatible with” if it means we constantly leave relationships in search of perfection.

Being in a relationship with perfect compatibility is almost implying that you'd be with your exact clone/replica which is just simply not going to happen.

Being with another human being inevitably means that you will come across some differences in behaviors, beliefs, actions, and experiences.

And these differences in relationships are tricky, yet can be beautiful, too, because they create space for growth and learning.

In my discussion on relationship differences, I'd be remiss if I didn't also dip into relationship "red flags,” because so often differences can be looked at as a red flag when many times they're not quite a red flag, but rather a challenge to overcome as a team.

Let’s unpack both differences and red flags and how the two are linked (or not so much linked…) together.

The tricky part about all of this is everyone's relationship red flags will look different.

I can't tell you what is or is not a red flag in your relationship.

I can offer some information and see if it resonates, but I can't make that decision for you.

To me, a red flag is something that you absolutely cannot live with and/or has no solutions…a hard and fast "no" that is almost so obvious you don't need to question it.

Some examples:

• If your partner wants kids and a family, and you never do. There's not a way to make this work without someone compromising their life plan or values.

• If you want a life without any alcohol or substances present and your partner wants a life with those things present, and you can’t seem to get on board, that may be a hard and fast "no" for you.

• If you are religious and your partner isn't, and you want them to be, if they're not willing to change their religious beliefs or identity, that may feel like a red flag for you (though for me it wouldn't be, as someone who is not religious—it's different for everyone!)

• Another red flag that to me feels very clear-cut is emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual abuse of any kind. However, there are various reasons why people in a relationship with those things present may not leave for their safety in that moment. I hope that they can eventually feel safe enough and/or find the courage to do so, but it may not always be obvious to those people that these relationships are abusive in the first place.

All of that to say, red flags get thrown around a lot these days…

"If they don't text you back for 10 hours, they're not thinking about you, that's a red flag!" (...or, they're busy and don't need consistent check-ins to feel loved)

"If you don't know you want to be with them by now, that's a red flag!" (...or, you have relationship anxiety)

"If you don't sleep in the same bed, that's a red flag!" (...or, you and your partner have different schedules and value a good night's sleep)

The interesting thing to me is that red flags are completely subjective.

Every person has different life values and preferences, so their levels of tolerance will look different for various “red flags”.

It's important to reflect on what does or does not feel like a red flag to you so that someone else doesn't make those decisions for you.

It's YOUR choice what does or does not feel like a red flag to you…not someone on social media.

And yet...let me stretch you past your comfort zone here with your definition of what is or is not a red flag…

I want to make it clear that differences between you and your partner are not automatically a red flag.

We are in relationship with someone who grew up in a completely different way than we did.

Different caretakers.

Different household beliefs and behaviors.

Different schooling experiences.

Different communities.

Different families.

And no matter how well we know someone, we never are in their mind living through their reality.

We're different people! Different human beings living their unique lives. That’s normal.

So why do we get so threatened by this, then?

Differences are threatening to our ego.

Being in proximity all the time with someone who's different than we are forces us to grapple with a few things…

• It forces us to expand our viewpoints and see the world in a slightly new way.

• It forces us to realize our way isn't actually right all the time.

• It forces us to have tough conversations and seek to understand someone else's reality.

…and none of these things are easy.

Humans love (and I mean love) being right.

Humans love winning.

Humans love being understood.

So when all of that is threatened by another person coming in and showing us that we're not always right, can't always "win," and may not always be fully understood without some effort—it's can be hard to handle.

And this is why differences in a relationship cause fear.

Many of my clients come to me afraid they are too different from their partner.

I've heard a ton of examples of this.

From different taste in music, to different preferences about going out and partying, to different ways of handling conflict, to different sex drives, to different political beliefs. And these are only a small set of examples.

Some of these things may feel like hard and fast "no's" to you—however, to me, they're all things you absolutely can work through and use as a chance to grow in your relationship.

Yes, it's slightly annoying if you can't share a love for the same musical artists—a long road-trip may not be as "fun" without it, but is that a relationship deal-breaker? Can you listen to your favorite music on your own and still be fulfilled by it?

Yes, it's fun to go out with your partner and have a few drinks if you enjoy that, however, can you also do that with your friend group without your partner and use it as time away from your partner to miss them? (In this example, the partner doesn't mind—they support the other one going out without them)

Yes, it's challenging to have different ways of handling conflict—but is it a deal-breaker? For some, yes, maybe (depends how you treat one another during the conflict, too). However is there ever a perfect way of handling conflict right off the bat in a relationship? May it need more time for you to practice with one another and learn each other's styles more? I think communication is always something that can be improved in a relationship (and ideally both people are invested in working on it).

Yes, it's unideal to have different sex drives as your partner. It would be more "perfect" to both always have the same exact desire at the same time and same frequency, but it's fantasy to think that we'll always be exactly in sync with our partner. Also, is sexual frequency more important than all other aspects of the relationship, or just one part of it? Is your emotional intimacy strong? Do you have a foundation of friendship? Can you shift into a quality over quantity mindset? More self-pleasure? There are options here.

Yes, a difference in political beliefs may cause challenges. For some, this may be a hard and fast red flag. And I don't argue with you on that if that is a core value of yours. However, I know many relationships where they choose to focus on the things they do share beliefs on, vs. the things they differ in, and are often able to find much more common ground there.

My point here is that differences do not necessarily equal red flags.

It's important to use discernment and think for yourself if something feels inconvenient, or really not okay with your lifestyle and beliefs (bearing in mind your beliefs are not "right" or "wrong" they're just opinions).

There will always be inconveniences in relationships.

It's not convenient to sit down and talk about finances, to plan logistics for a move to a new country (from experience), to have an awkward conversation around sex, to disagree and come back and try to get on the same page. These may result in different preferences for how to handle the issue at hand.

But those things ultimately give you and your partner a chance to grow together.

Challenges conquered as a team make a much stronger relationship than one where you haven't scratched below the surface enough to actually have challenges.

If things are easy breezy all the time, I'd be willing to bet you're not being vulnerable enough in your relationship to “keep the peace”.

That’s not to say all challenges need to be handled in a frustrating way, but if everyone's agreeable 100% of the time, someone isn't speaking their mind fully.

Another thing to note about our partner's differences is that they have the chance to mirror back to us where we still have room for growth as individuals.

Example: Nate's the "devil's advocate-r" of our relationship, and sometimes it irks me...

He will easily be able to see the other side of an argument when I really want him to just put a stake in the ground and agree with everything I think or believe...

In the moment, I can get annoyed by this, but when I am in a clear-headed place, I know it's helping me grow and become more open-minded.

Example: Nate leaves many things to the last minute and somehow they always work out...

We had a wedding to go to last weekend and he left buying his suit jacket, dress shirt, tie and shoes til the day before. I had my outfit planned weeks before and was feeling uneasy about his not being ready...think: "what if he can't find what he needs at the stores and he doesn't have a nice outfit?"

In the moment, I can get anxious and controlling about these things because me myself and I feel better when things are set and ready to go…but when I am in a clear-headed place, I can reflect about how this is just me trying to make sure "everything turns out just right." I've seen it play out enough times to know that even if Nate leaves things to the last second, he finds a solution—and I don't need to worry about things that are not mine to carry.

Both of those differences can frustrate me in the moments they're happening, but I know they're helping me grow as a person.

My opinion is not always right (I can be quick to jump to conclusions, too...), and I don't need to have every little thing planned out in my life for things to be okay.

He's helping me learn these things through the differences in our personality, and I can appreciate that, even though it's not always "fun."

Getting to a place of appreciating (and even maybe celebrating) the differences instead of being frustrated with them takes a lot of intention and practice.

Some differences may always be there, and that brings up a choice-point: do I want to learn to embrace or accept this difference? Or if I can't tolerate this difference, can I be really honest with myself? Does this mean I don't want to be in relationship with this person, or does it mean I need to set more clear boundaries?

These are not easy decisions and questions to answer, but they ones that only you can make.

Some additional questions for consideration when reflecting on differences and potential red flags:

1. Is this difference breaking a non-negotiable boundary of mine, or going against an important life value of mine?

2. Are me and my partner(s) willing to discuss this difference in a way that can attempt to have everyone be heard and understand the other person's side? (note: this is an important skill in any relationship)

3. Bearing in mind that 69% of relationship problems are not solvable (see post here discussing perpetual vs. solvable problems in relationships)—am I willing to accept this as one of those problems that likely will not go away, but I can learn to manage in my relationship? (knowing there will be no relationship with ZERO problems)

4. What are the potential 'positives' or 'benefits' of this difference between me and my partner? (ex: Nate's helping me learn to be more open-minded)

5. What are some ways that my differences from my partner may be looked at as challenging in their eyes? How can I have empathy for them and realize I am not the only one who feels this way.

I hope these questions + this blog post help you view your inevitable relationship differences in a new light, and not think it's a sign you need to run for the hills…

Differences don’t always mean you need to leave your partner, they may just mean you need to leave some old beliefs and behaviors at the door and be willing to see things in a new light.

EDIT: on June 9th 2022, I hosted a webinar that further dives into this question: “is it anxiety, or incompatibility?” - I break down the information in this blog post with more detail and help provide a framework for you to answer the question with more clarity and ease.

You can purchase my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” for $27 here.