read time: 6 min
Does our partner need to be our “best friend”?
I received the following blog topic suggestion from an email community member recently:
“I would love to see a topic on being with a partner that is your 'best friend.' This language always triggers me, and I hear it a lot in reality TV shows (most recently Love is Blind) where your partner should be your ' best friend.' Would love to get some insight into this and how to navigate this.”
Here’s the thing about this type of advice:
It’s not right, but it’s not wrong.
The good (and bad!) part about most relationship advice out there is that it’s completely subjective—it’s not one-size-fits-all or “the only way to be in a relationship.”
Some people want and believe that their intimate partner should feel like a best friend.
Some people don’t need, want, or believe that.
The trouble is when we start thinking that whatever we feel is “wrong” and that there is a “better way” to be.
This is what causes anxiety and fear that something isn’t up to par.
When I stop to think about people saying things like “my partner is truly my best friend” or “your partner should feel like a best friend!” — I think it’s well-intended and coming from a good place.
I don’t think that people know that for an analytical mind, this could raise questions or concerns.
But well-intended as it may be, if we hear advice of “you should be with your best friend” it dips into black-and-white thinking.
You either consider your partner to be a best friend, or you don’t.
There’s no grey area, or maybes, or sometimes, or situational context.
When you throw in the word "should," it also alludes to there being a "shouldn't"—which can lead to shame.
As in, something along the lines of “you shouldn’t be in a relationship where you don’t feel like best friends...”
There is an interesting question that arises in my mind when I think about all of these relationship phrases and sayings that get tossed around (ex: “when you know you know,” “you should be with your best friend,” “never settle,” “this is how relationships should be...”).
Most of the phrases assume that there is one right way to be in a relationship, and if you don't check the boxes, your relationship is not worthy.
And I'd really love to know...
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Who was the person that got to make these "relationship rules"?
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Who decided that they had all the answers to what it means to be in a relationship, and that everyone else out there had to follow suit?
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Who are they to tell you and I how to be in a relationship?
I'm not here to tell you the advice of being in a relationship with your best friend is right or wrong.
I do, however, think there is some context and nuance missing, and once you consider that context and nuance, THEN you can make a decision if you think the advice serves you, or doesn't.
So, here are some of my thoughts on the subject:
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This advice alludes that your partner should be your very best friend—but I personally have many best friends that are all unique and all add to my life in beautifully different ways. Nate is one of my best friends, but that doesn't mean he is my only one, or that we don't have other critically important support systems in our lives to lean on when we need to.
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"Best friend" is a very subjective term. Everyone has a different definition of what a best friend could mean to them. Maybe some people's best friends meet their needs for spirituality and community, while their partner meets their needs of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and support. I don't see anything "wrong" with that scenario, and doesn't mean their partner is less important to their life.
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This advice once again alludes that if your partner is not one of your "best friends", your relationship is "bad". I don't think this or any other advice is so black and white. Maybe your anxiety is preventing you from seeing all the ways in which your partner is a friend to you, or maybe your definition of "friend" means that you don't want physical connection with that person, so it's hard for you to categorize your partner as a best friend, subconsciously.
There are likely many more things I am not factoring in here, but I wanted to start breaking down this type of relationship advice we all receive and get the wheels turning a bit for you!
We often receive this type of advice without giving it a second thought.
Next time you hear this type of advice, I want you to bring out your curious observer within.
I want you to ask yourself, "is this 100% true, or is there some context missing?"
The answer may help you move forward without hooking into anxiety.
And just know that you can always decide that if there is a situation or advice that doesn’t feel empowering for you, you do not have to subscribe to it - period.
You get to choose if it’s helpful for you, or not.
If you’d like help better understanding triggering relationship advice and are craving support from someone who’s been in your shoes, there are a few options to do so;
1 - Deconstruct the Doubts, the self-study digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens, de-bunk relationship myths that lead to anxiety, help you build a stronger relationship to yourself, and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
2 - Beyond the Doubts group coaching program (NEW!) - beginning March 30th, join me and other like-minded women who are working through relationship anxiety as we go through the Deconstruct the Doubts course together, have weekly group coaching calls (with opportunities to get your questions directly answered by me), and chat in a group message to hold one another accountable. DM me “GROUP PROGRAM” before March 23rd to get more information & secure your spot!
3 - Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here. I will not be taking any new clients after mid-April until and of August or September, so if you’ve been wanting to work with me - now is a good time to apply and get started!
