What I’m about to share is some of the most important information about relationships I’ve ever heard. My boyfriend and I are reading The Molecule of More by Daniel Z. Leiberman, MD and Michael E. Long, and it has completely shifted my perspective on the evolution of a relationship.
Bear with me as I get a little nerdy here, but this information is worth a read.
We’ve all heard of the ‘honeymoon phase’ in a relationship—that initial feeling of passion and spark you have when a relationship begins. But what is really going on inside our bodies when we’re falling in love?
Enter: a little molecule called…dopamine.
Some people know of dopamine as being ‘the pleasure molecule,’ but in reality it is the molecule of anticipation. Lieberman and Long explain that “dopamine activity is not a marker of pleasure. it is a reaction to the unexpected—to possibility and anticipation.”
So why is it important to understand dopamine?
Because it turns out that dopamine can be a key in understanding and predicting human behaviors such as falling in love. Dopamine is the chemical that causes us to get an excited rush from a sweet text from from our lover at the beginning of the relationship. However, once the ‘new-ness’ wears off, the dopamine rushes do too.
In a world filled with #couplegoals—it feels like there is so much pressure for a great relationship to stay steamy forever. But the harsh reality is that it’s scientifically proven that passionate love fades over time.
The book goes on to say: “why does love fade? our brains are programmed to crave the unexpected and thus to look to the future, where every exciting possibility begins. But when anything, including love, becomes familiar, that excitement slips away, and new things draw our attention.” Furthermore, “when things become part of the daily routine…dopamine is no longer triggered to give you those feelings of excitement.”
This is something I have experienced directly in my relationship of three and a half years—and in full transparency it scared me and made me question: is there something wrong with our relationship? am I alone in these feelings? what’s changed? Thankfully, The Molecule of More answered my questions for me.
No—there isn’t something wrong with me.
No—I am not alone in feeling this way.
What changed? My brain chemistry.
Dopamine fades after the relationship is no longer new—and then comes a decision that needs to be made. Lieberman and Long explain “when it comes to love, the loss of passionate romance will always happen eventually, and then comes a choice. We can transition to a love that’s fed by a day-by-day appreciation of that other person in the here and now, or we can end the relationship and go in search of another roller coaster ride.” For me—the answer is easy and comes from the heart: appreciating my partner in the here and now. And yet, while the answer is easy from the heart—I’ve realized that doesn’t mean my brain is always fully on board.
///
During COVID-19, my boyfriend and I went from long distance to being quarantined together and seeing each other 24/7. It’s been amazing getting more time together and getting to know each other on a deeper level even amidst the crazy state of our world at the moment. After a couple months of quarantine, I started to notice how comfortable and familiar things were becoming between us and fear set in: what if we aren’t as in love anymore? what if things won’t ever be exciting again like in our honeymoon phase?
I’m SO grateful this book showed up during these moments of worry because it made me realize I am only human. I learned that there is a way to change my mindset about my relationship that would better serve me.
The book further explains that “according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, early or “passionate” love lasts only twelve to eighteen months. After that, for a couple to remain attached to one another, they need to develop a different kind of love called companionate love.”
Companionate love is different than the initial thrill of passionate love caused by dopamine—it involves Here and Now molecules (serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins). “Here and Now companionate love…is characterized by deep and enduring satisfaction with the present reality, and an aversion to change, at least with regard to one’s relationship with one’s partner.”
The cool part about companionate love? This is the type of love that has the power to deliver long-term happiness, and create meaning.
This is the type of love that lasts.
It’s important to be aware of our brain chemistry so we can help out-smart it. Our brain craves a hit of dopamine, and in relationships that means creating excitement and thrill through something new and different. But if we’re always chasing something new and different—we won’t stay in a long-term relationship that will ultimately lead to happiness, or appreciate everything we do have. Now that I know this—I have ammo for when my mind wanders to “what if” thoughts, or fears that my relationship is not as exciting and thus means it is not going to be fulfilling.
My key takeaways from this book?
- If your relationship has gotten less exciting over time—congratulations, you are human!
- Our brains crave dopamine hits and once we know this, we can leverage it to our benefits. Create dopamine hits and spice things up. Make a reservation at a new restaurant in town with your partner, go on a walk in a new neighborhood, bring home their favorite gift randomly. Things may never be the same as they were in the honeymoon phase again, but that’s part of creating compassionate love—and who knows—the future love you create may be just be even better.
- Appreciate your relationship and your partner in the here and now—remember to practice gratitude in the moment for the little things you cherish about them. Savor the next hug with them, a funny joke you have together, or even just appreciating their smile. This is a huge part of creating lasting appreciation and happiness in your relationship.
Dopamine is a tricky chemical—but I’m so glad I have learned more about it’s impacts on love.
xx
Sarah
📚 the book is linked below!
