Have you ever felt like one of your problems was so huge that it could not be fixed?
Maybe you felt stuck. Hopeless. Lost. Overwhelmed.
I've been there—many times.
When I was experiencing peak relationship anxiety, I had absolutely no idea what to do or how to face all of the thoughts swirling in my head.
It can feel like you're stuck in a mental prison—trapped with thoughts, with nowhere to escape.
And yet—what if the solution is easier than we may think?
I wanted to share an excerpt from one of my favorite books EVER, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb:
Wendell, my therapist, finally speaks up.
“I’m reminded,” he begins, “of a famous cartoon. It’s of a prisoner, shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out—but to his right and left, it’s open, no bars.”
He pauses, allowing the image to sink in.
“All the prisoner has to do is walk around. But still, he frantically shakes the bars. That’s most of us. We feel completely stuck, trapped in our emotional cells, but there’s a way out—as long as we’re willing to see it.”
He lets that last part linger between us. As long as we’re willing to see it.
He gestures to an imaginary prison cell with his hand, inviting me to see it. I look away, but I feel Wendell’s eyes on me. I sigh. Okay.
I close my eyes and take a breath. I start by picturing the prison, a tiny cell with drab beige walls. I picture the metal bars, thick and gray and rusty. I picture myself in an orange jumpsuit, furiously shaking those bars, pleading for release. I picture my life in this tiny cell with nothing but the pungent smell of urine and the prospect of a dismal, constrained future. I imagine screaming, “Get me out of here! Save me!” I envision myself frantically looking to my right, then to my left, then doing one hell of a double take. I notice my whole body respond; I feel lighter like a thousand-pound weight has been lifted, as the realization hits me:
You are your own jailer.
I open my eyes and glance at Wendell. He raises his right eyebrow as if to say, I know—you see. I saw you see. “Keep looking,” he whispers.
I close my eyes again. Now I’m walking around the bars and heading toward the exit, moving tentatively at first, but as I get closer to it, I start to run. Outside, I can feel my feet on the ground, the breeze on my skin, the sun’s warmth on my face. I’m free! I run as fast as I can, then after a while, I slow down and check behind me. No prison guards are giving chase.
It occurs to me that there were no prison guards to begin with. Of course!
Most of us come to therapy feeling trapped—imprisoned by our thoughts, behaviors, marriages, jobs, fears, or past. Sometimes we imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-punishment. If we have a choice between believing one of two things, both of which we have evidence for—I’m unlovable, I’m lovable—often we choose the one that makes us feel bad.
Why do we keep our radios tuned to the same static-ridden stations (the everyone’s-life-is-better-than-mine station, the I-can’t-trust-people station, the nothing-works-out-for-me station) instead of moving the dial up or down?
Change the station. Walk around the bars. Who’s stopping us but ourselves? There is a way out—as long as we’re willing to see it.
A cartoon, of all things, has taught me the secret of life.
🤯🤯🤯
I was literally blown away after reading this.
Here is an example of the cartoon they reference, just for a visual:
Sometimes, the solution to our problems is so simple, and yet we don't want to step out of our own way to get there.
Sometimes, it feels more comfortable to stay small
-
Stay in a bad mental state because it's what's familiar and our mind’s 'norm'.
-
Stay stuck worrying about all the "what if's" instead of just living our lives and seeing what happens.
-
Stay at a job we hate because we've been there for 10 years and the thought of doing something new is scary
I know for me...I was staying in a state of anxiety because I didn't know any better.
But once I knew better, I had to do better.
For me—stepping out of my emotional prison looked like:
-
Getting help! Can't stress this enough. I've been to multiple therapists, have taken courses on relationship anxiety, and started taking the time to learn (read) about the causes of relationship anxiety. All of these have been huge game-changers.
-
Starting to do some major self-reflection; turning inward to look at my own beliefs about love/relationships to see how they were affecting my reality. Spoiler alert: many of my previous beliefs about love/relationships were harming my chances at having a great relationship because they were so damn unrealistic.
-
Sharing my story so it didn't have as much power over me. This has been a huge one, and if you read my post on shame last week, you know how important it is not to keep things you are ashamed of a secret, silent, or looking at them with judgment.
///
I hope that after reading this blog post, your perspective may have shifted ever so slightly.
Instead of stressing about a problem in your life that seems too big, too powerful, and too much, remember:
"there's a way out, as long as we're willing to see it"
///
Highly recommend checking out the book!
