If you've experienced doubts in your loving, healthy relationship—a common fear of yours may be that you will experience these doubts when getting engaged, or on your future wedding day.
Or, if you've already gotten engaged or married, and your emotions were not 100% ecstatic, perhaps you've felt shame around that before.
Let's talk about it!
Today I'm going to dive into some considerations around this topic, and hopefully poke some holes in the beliefs or expectations that have us feeling so anxious about it in the first place.
First, I must give the disclaimer that I am not engaged or married, however I have absolutely thought before "what if I feel doubt when Nate proposes?" or "what if on my wedding morning I'm so anxious and can't go through with it?" (ya know, runaway bride type fears).
So I can speak from experience around the fears, but less so much on experiencing an engagement or wedding.
I plan to cover the below topics in more detail, as I think they're all relevant to this discussion:
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Inability to predict the future
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Permission slip to feel a range of emotions, even during "happy" events and transitions
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Tending to the core fears and feelings underneath the thought "what if I'm anxious on these important days?"
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A reminder that self-soothing is always available to us and how to implement it in moments of overwhelm (positive, or negative)
Inability to predict the future
You'll often hear me talking about how we can't predict the future, so it really doesn't serve us when we not only get stuck trying, but when we are zoomed in on a pessimistic view of the future, no less.
Some call this worrying, and some think worrying is uncontrollable, but I'm here to remind you that we can pattern interrupt the tendency to jump to a negative potential outcome without "fact-checking" it first.
So, an example would be— if you're thinking "what if I have doubts when I get engaged?"—while this may be valid based on a present-day tendency to get anxious, it doesn't automatically mean you'd be anxious on that day, and also doesn't account for what you may do in between now and then to educate yourself on relationship anxiety and begin reducing it.
You can poke holes in this fear by asking “is this a guaranteed outcome”? And of course that answer is no. Nothing in the future is guaranteed.
And you can even take it a step further and ask what other potential outcomes are. Perhaps you're feeling at ease, perhaps you're feeling excited, or perhaps you're feeling content (which actually means peacefully happy).
Maybe you don't cry tears of joy, or tears of fear. Maybe you simply smile, look at your partner down on one knee (or across the table, or however it happens) and feel grateful that you are in the position you're in…
I can't predict the future, either, so of course these outcomes are not guaranteed. However, one of the ways I have learned to work WITH my anxiety instead of against it is to call myself out when I'm getting trapped in future thought (and future thought that assumes the worst-case scenario, no less).
We’re not looking for guarantees here, just a way to start getting into the habit of not jumping to conclusions, either…
Because the "what if's" we’re asking are often unanswerable, and they're often going to lead us to more worry and spiraling in the present, as a result of being unanswerable.
Imagine how much time you'd save if instead of trying to GUESS (literally, it's a guess!) if you may feel anxious or not when you're getting proposed to, or getting married, you said "I have no idea what will happen," and just kept on moving ahead in your day and life.
That energy you spend ruminating and worrying is much better spent in the here and now—either finding small ways to enjoy the present moment, connect more deeply to yourself, connect more deeply to your partner (or another loved one), or even expanding your understanding of why you're so anxious in the relationship so you can start feeling more confident in advance of an engagement or wedding.
All of those things are moving the needle forward, ever so slightly, while the "what if's" and the future thinking is moving the needle backwards, because it causes you to feel helpless and overwhelmed.
Gaining awareness of this pattern of worrying and finding ways to interrupt this pattern is one of the most helpful things you can do to release anxious thinking (more on ways to soothe and interrupt this later).
It's not "ignoring your problems"—it's shifting away from doomsday thinking. There's a difference!
Permission slip to feel a range of emotions, even during "happy" events and transitions
Next, let's poke holes in the idea that during big transitional events or milestones we always have to feel HAPPY, and nothing else.
Graduations, moving to a new house or in with a partner, getting engaged, getting a promotion, getting married, starting a business, having children—whatever it is—it's okay to have a range of feelings and emotions. It’s okay to sit in the bittersweet-ness of feeling happy AND sad.
We're told that you should be grateful, be excited, be certain, and more.
And yet ALL of these events are not only moving towards something, but also moving AWAY from something else.
When you graduate school, you move into a new chapter, but you may grieve the simplicity of your schedule at school and fear the next step of entering the "real world."
When you move into a new house, you may be excited for that change, and it may be "for the best," and yet you may also miss more time alone, living with previous roommates or family, and have some challenges in the transition into the new living space.
Getting engaged and married is a big transition away from the mentality of "I can put myself first" to "I need to think about my relationship and us as a unit now" (even if this isn't 100% true, it's a typical shift we make during these transitions). That can be scary, despite there being "positive" changes too. Not to mention all the fears that we may have about love feeling that much more intense because we're making a big commitment.
Changing careers, or getting a promotion is no different. Even if you're excited for the trajectory ahead, who's to say you won't have fear about what's ahead, or grief around what you're leaving behind (people and work)?
And I have not had kids yet, but why do we think postpartum depression exists?! Because it's not as simple as having a new baby and just magically feeling happy and joyful. There are other hard feelings that come up being a new mother or father.
So please, please, PLEASE if nothing else—consider this article my permission slip to feel a full range of feelings during an engagement or wedding.
If you're in a relationship with someone who treats you with respect, who you want things to work with, who is aligned in life vision and values (not perfectly!!!), and who is invested in the growth of the relationship—it's more than likely the fears or scary emotions coming up during these transitions have NOTHING to do with the other person and everything to do with you.
If you haven't yet, I recommend watching my free video training where I discuss that statement in more detail (linked here).
Please know this doesn't mean the fears or doubts are our FAULT, but rather that we can take responsibility and ownership for them and reduce them.
So instead of shaming ourselves if we do or did experience fear on the day of getting engaged or married, how about holding space for the scared parts of ourselves instead?
Instead of saying "you're a terrible partner" how about "your fears are valid, but perhaps they're not actually about your loving partner"?
Transitions are transitions, no matter if they're "negative" or "positive"—and transitions mean change.
Humans hate change.
We're wired to self-protect, not to jump into new things without any clue how they will go.
Understanding this can help us normalize feeling afraid, AND, can remind us that it's okay to "feel the fear and do it anyway*." (*assumes you’re in a healthy relationship).
Tending to the core fears and feelings underneath the thought "what if I'm anxious on these important days?"
Beneath the fears of "what if I am anxious when I get engaged/married" are deeper fears that need to be tended to.
What are you telling yourself it means about you if you're anxious on these “milestone” days?
Are you a bad person?
Are you letting someone down?
Are you letting yourself down?
Are you afraid of being unfulfilled? of failing?
Whatever you are more deeply afraid of, or what you think it means about you if you're anxious during these experiences is more important than the anxiety.
Is it a fear of failing if you don't choose the perfect partner?
Is if a fear of the inevitable unknowns or lack of control that being in a relationship brings?
Is it a fear of loss (of your own independence, or of your partner)?
Is it a fear of getting divorced in the future?
Is it a fear of not being fulfilled in your life and you're associating this partner with being responsible for that?
Is it a fear of not being worthy of giving and receiving love?
Is it a fear of missing out on "something better"?
Understanding what is at play is huge.
And from there, you can choose to be vulnerable and admit "I'm scared."
But by being scared due to those core fears, you can pull it off your loving partner and actually do something about it!
If you need help identifying your core fears, I recommend therapy or coaching.
If you’d like my support specifically, apply for private coaching here: https://www.youloveandyoulearn.com/private-coaching.
The key here is tending to yourself in your place of fear and scared-ness, not shaming yourself for it.
You're human, my love, not a crazy or evil person who hates their partner.
A reminder that self-soothing is always available to us and how to implement it in moments of overwhelm (positive, or negative)
If your nervous system is overwhelmed by anything, "positive," or "negative," I encourage you to consider self-soothing and regulating before you try to "push through" the feelings.
You could be overwhelmed or overstimulated for many reasons when getting proposed to or married—there could be a lot of sensory overload, there could be a swirl of thoughts going through your mind (doesn't matter what type of thoughts, just a high volume of them at once), you may be not only thinking about your experience but focusing on others around you, and more.
For this reason, no matter what feelings come up during those moments, taking time to breathe, ground yourself by using the five senses, or even move around can be helpful.
Maybe not right in the EXACT moment of saying "yes" or "I do," but trying to stay grounded, stay focused on the present, not the future of "what if's" or the analytical mind, and try to simply be there, not be there + having a narrative going on via self-soothing and regulation is something I plan to do on the days I (hopefully) get engaged or married (can’t predict the future, right?!).
Getting engaged or married may be a whirlwind. They may also be calm.
But in the event of them feeling like a whirlwind, especially for someone who is more anxious-minded or highly sensitive, taking good care of yourself and your nervous system in the moment is critical…
I can't sit here and write to you that your engagement and wedding will be flawless (or should have been), will be everything you could have ever dreamed it would be and more, and that you'll feel completely at ease.
I wish I could, both for your sake and mine!
But, I do know that worrying about them being days crippled with fear and pain is not going to solve for much (or shaming yourself if that was your experience).
I do know that you're allowed to feel a range of emotions on these days/events.
I do know that there are likely core fears beneath these experiences that need to be tended to.
And I do know that when we have the courage to self-soothe and connect back into the present moments instead of getting swept up in overwhelm, we can pretty much accomplish ANYTHING.
