One of the themes I get asked most about is the fear of being too young or the fear that because it's a first relationship, it will not work out.
I want to start off by saying these fears are extremely valid.
There are narratives floating around such as "oh that's cute, your first love" or "you need to have many relationships to learn what you really want."
There's also no shortage of stories about people's dating lives being glamorized on social media these days, and if it's a first relationship, you may worry that you're missing out on that experience.
Or, maybe you worry that you're incapable of making the "right choice" of partner at this age, or that even if you're choosing what's best now, you'll meet someone "better" in the future.
Again, all of these fears are very valid and I don't want you to fear shame for having them.
And yet, despite the validity of the fears, how helpful are they?
Beliefs are either helping us or hurting us, in my opinion. I don't see much neutrality.
Many of our beliefs are not happening consciously, they've been picked up and layered on over time throughout our life.
It takes work to start bringing awareness to our beliefs and deciding if they are helpful, or not.
So, let's break down why I don't believe the beliefs of being too young or it being a first relationship are not helpful, and how to shift into a new way of thinking.
What purpose do the beliefs "I'm too young" or "if this is my first relationship, it may not last" serve?
I see very little benefit, and a few potential drawbacks to these beliefs.
The one benefit I see is self-protection: the thought that these beliefs may be protecting us from pain.
It may not be conscious, but the beliefs of "I'm too young" or "if this is my first relationship, it may not last" are the mind's way of trying to solve for potential (not guaranteed) future problems in the present moment.
For example, the subconscious self-protective thoughts may really be:
"If I'm too young for a relationship, and I choose to end this relationship now instead of having a really bad breakup later, I will save myself future heartache."
"If people say that your first relationship doesn't work, I should get this breakup over with so that I can start dating more people and get practice with relationships"
Now, I will admit, I have had some of these self-protective thoughts myself, but the thoughts have come up in a slightly different way.
I've heard stories from power-couples that I admire like Sara Blakely (founder of Spanx), and her husband Jesse Itzler (author and entrepreneur) getting married late in their 30's and into their early 40's.
I've thought to myself "wow, they must have really known what they were looking for by then and felt more confident in their choice."
Or "it seems like people are more sure of themselves in their 30's, maybe by then I will have changed so much and me and Nate will no longer be the same people."
Even though Nate was not my first long-term boyfriend, these thoughts still came up throughout our relationship.
So I can understand where they are coming from and why they are happening, despite my exact experience likely being different from many people reading this.
After racking my brain thinking of any other potential benefits of these types of thoughts, I couldn't think of anything other than self-protection.
If you can think of any other potential benefits of these type of thoughts—please let me know in the comments so we can discuss further!
So, now that we've established that these thoughts are coming from a place of self-protection, let's discuss some potential drawbacks:
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These thoughts assume that there is a right way (or right age) to be in a relationship or choose a partner: some people stay with their high-school sweetheart for their entire life, some people don't meet a life partner until mid-life: there is no one right way to choose a life partner. Author Sarah Wilson says "There is never a perfect decision. They become perfect when we make them." This means that someone can confidently choose their relationship at any age and it become the "right choice." Or, someone can stay in limbo, worrying about their choice at any age, and never feel like they've truly settled into their relationship. For me, I'd rather try to be more decisive, and come to find I made the wrong choice, vs. staying in limbo forever and be stagnant and not make any real decision. I think that applies when thinking of the thoughts of "am I too young for this relationship?" or "can a first relationship last?" because you truly will not know the answers unless you make a decision either way and go with it, whatever that decision may be. There is no "right answer." It's subjective. What may be "right" for one person may not be for another.
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These thoughts don't allow much opportunity for curiosity, or relevant lessons to be learned along the course of your relationship: by assuming you're too young or that the first relationship you're in can't last, you're focus is taken away from curiosity and allowing yourself the opportunity to learn about what works and doesn't work for you within relationships. Learning what works and doesn't work in relationships is something that can be done at any time, be it in one long relationship, medium-length ones, or many shorter ones. Things that worked well for me and for me and Nate as a unit at age 24 (when we met) may not work well for me and Nate as a unit at age 29 (current), but we're learning and evolving in the context of our relationship. I'm learning lessons in this relationship, just like I'd learn lessons if I was dating around. Instead of thinking "I'm too young, this can't work" what if you approached relationships with the thought of "I'd like to learn more about myself, my needs, my triggers, and how to show up in relationships in a way I am proud of." How would that feel? How would it change the way you approached your relationship?
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These thoughts assume the way life will unfold (and from a pessimistic view, no less...): by thinking "I'm too young" or "first relationships don't last" you're assuming the relationship will fail instead of giving it a chance to succeed. If you were not worried the relationship would fail, you'd likely be putting your energy towards growing with this person, even if you can't guarantee the outcome. Here's a hard truth: no one is certain that their relationship will last. It doesn't matter what age you're at, no one can see beyond the present moment. But at some point, we do have to decide to move forward in one direction or another. I can't promise that Nate and I will be together forever, but that's my intention. Similarly, someone in their first relationship or who is younger than I am can't promise their relationship will last forever, but if everyone in the relationship wants it to work, and are willing to give it their best shot, who's to say it can't work?! Don't sell yourself short, my friend.
I'll end with a few final thoughts...
My take on relationships (at any age) is that worrying about the outcome isn't helpful.
I've tried it, I've been there, I've done that, I still do that, snd still get stuck in worry often...and each and every time I realize that it doesn't do much good.
If anything, it further disconnects me from myself, from Nate, and from our relationship.
Whether you're 13, 30, or 93, you can commit to a person and make that relationship work.
Whether you're 13, 30, or 93, you can worry about if you're with the right person and not enjoy the time you have with them, thinking someone else will come along and be a better fit.
Age is really just a number—it's more about your mindset.
Additionally, we have to start trusting that we are strong enough to handle whatever happens in our life.
We can't live our life in fear of a breakup, we have to trust that if a breakup happens, we will be okay.
We can't live our life in fear of choosing the "wrong partner", we have to trust that if we find future clarity that we've chosen the "wrong partner" (who I'd define as someone who doesn't respect us, isn't willing to work on the relationship, or is starkly different in their life vision (and can't compromise)), we will take the appropriate action at that time, not right now.
We can't live our life in fear of missing out, we have to trust that the grass can always be greener on the other side if we stay in the fomo mentality.
*Of course, all of this assumes you are in a non-abusive relationship.
If you take one thing away from this article, it's that there isn't one answer to the questions of "am I too young?" or "can a first relationship work?" that applies to everyone reading this.
Life is hard (and cool) like that.
We have to (get to) make our own choices.
And then we have to (get to) learn from these choices, and pick up and keep moving.
I hope you find the strength and courage to keep moving forward in your relationship if that's what you want to do in this moment in time.
And I hope you can trust that your choice today doesn't have to be your choice tomorrow, or in 10 years.
You get to keep deciding with each step along the way.
Sending love!
