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This post is all about how to navigate the fear of hurting your partner.
“Can relationship anxiety root from fear of hurting my partner?”
Yes, yes it absolutely can.
But before you worry that this is “bad thing”—let’s discuss it in more detail.
I have had this flavor of intrusive thought before:
“What if I’m staying in this relationship because I don’t want to hurt my partner by leaving or ending it?”
And that particular thought isn’t fun.
It makes us feel like we’re only staying because we feel bad, almost like we’re trapped in the relationship.
Relationship anxiety in and of itself can already feel like you’re trapped; trapped in your mind, trapped in uncertainty and indecision, and on the most convincing of days, like you’re trapped in a relationship you’re not “100% sure” you want to be in.
All of this is scary, upsetting, and hard to navigate.
However, I’d like to offer a simple reframe of the worry that you’d hurt your partner:
Being worried that you may hurt your partner is a sign you care about this person.
Navigating The Fear Of Hurting Your Partner
Now, I don’t know you and your relationship, so I can’t guarantee that just because you care about this person, you also have shared life values (or, the ones that matter most to you), similar life visions (and/or, you can respect the differences), and this person respects you and your boundaries—all of which are relationship “ingredients” I find to be very important.
However, if you care about this person enough to worry about hurting them, I’d turn the question back to you and ask: what’s wrong with that?
No, we don’t want to live a life where we only prioritize other people’s feelings over our own, but we also don’t want to live a life where we only prioritize our feelings over others (that will likely not be a life with many strong relationships...)
If you’re worried about hurting your partner, there could be a handful of things at play:
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You’re the type of person who wants to be kind and not hurt anyone (and as highly sensitive people, we may even overly worry about this)
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You care enough about the person you’re in a relationship with to not want them to feel hurt or pain (especially not caused by you, though an inevitable part of being in any relationship (and not just a relationship that ends, but even healthy loving relationships is disappointing one another and causing hurt, even if we don’t intend to...it’s a part of life)
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You’re the type of person who wants to “be good” and “do the right thing” (and have likely taken on the narrative that hurting others = “not good or right,” which of course there is some truth to, but is not the full picture)
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You are covering up the deeper fears (fears of loss, abandonment, uncertainty, pain, losing yourself in the relationship, failure, change, etc.) by trying to convince yourself that you’re only staying because you feel bad, which would make ending the relationship seem less of a big deal than if you admitted that you DO deeply care for this person and risk potentially losing yourself or the relationship (because the future is uncertain, which can be scary to the anxious-minded)
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If any of those things resonate, having the awareness is a great first step.
Once we have this awareness, we can better understand what is driving the fears and also begin to remind ourselves that the fear of hurting our partner is maybe just maybe a sign of being human, not something to feel badly about.
From there, here are some potential follow-up steps after you’ve gained awareness that you have a fear of hurting your partner in the relationship (especially if this fear causes you to feel guilt or shame):
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Poke holes in your own beliefs...is it actually true that you’re in the relationship because you feel bad? what are the reasons that isn’t true and that you are grateful for the relationship? is it “bad” to worry that you’d hurt your partner, or is it a sign you care about them?
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Practice bringing yourself back to this moment, right here right now, not thinking ahead into future scenarios (”what if I find out in the future that I stayed because I felt bad...”); do so by using your breath, 5 senses, movement, sitting in discomfort, and more (finding ways to soothe and bring yourself back to the present moment will always be something that I recommend to master)
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Bring compassion and empathy towards your kindness — you clearly care about others and that should be celebrated, not shamed
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Read my intuition blog post, if you haven’t yet! One of the most important parts of that blog posts to me was at the end where I share that “I'm choosing to trust that with a combination of instinct, experience, faith, and reason—I will find the answers I seek at the times I need them. No sooner and no later. Even if some things take time for me to learn and understand, that was the time I needed.” — this is the same mindset I choose to approach all things in my relationship with. Trust that you don’t need to “know with certainty” right in this exact moment the exact reasons why you’re moving forward in your loving relationship* (*my content does not apply to abusive relationships) and allow yourself to move forward until more information arrives that helps you make whatever CHOICE feels best to you
I hope this blog post shifted your perspective, even if it’s ever so slightly. Keeping an open mind in our relationship goes a long way!
Sending a lot of love, my friends…
This post was all about how to navigate the fear of hurting your partner.
If you liked this post about how to navigate the fear of hurting your partner, you may also like:
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2 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - Helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease so you can stop questioning if your relationship is incompatible. Purchase the replay for $27.
3 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!
4 - Learn more about Private Coaching.
