This post is all about relationship doubt and how to release the guilt that might come along with it.
Do you feel guilty for having doubts in your relationship?
I know I used to.
I used to think I was the worst partner in the world, and that Nate didn't deserve someone who wasn't 100% confident that the relationship was "the one."
And the main reason for the guilt (and shame, really) was because I thought I was doing something wrong.
I thought that the right way to be in a relationship was fall madly in love, continue staying madly in love without any doubts, jump two feet in and commit to this person forever, and live happily ever after.
So of course I'd feel guilty when that expectation didn't match my reality.
Not only did it not match the reality, but I blamed myself.
Why couldn't I open my heart fully to this loving, kind person?
Why couldn't I be more sure that he was right for me?
Why couldn't I shake the fears and doubts that said I was ignoring my intuition trying to tell me something?
Relationship Doubt And Guilt
Brené Brown talks about how the difference between guilt and shame is the difference between saying "I did something bad" vs. "I am bad."
The first being more situational, whereas the second is more tied to your own self worth and identity.
I'd argue that both guilt and shame are at play when it comes to relationship anxiety.
At least for most people I've talked to who experience it.
They experience guilt during individual moments, and shame for having relationship anxiety in the first place.
An example of a guilty moment may be "I feel so bad that I lashed out at my partner" or "I feel so guilty that I didn't feel like saying I love you just now" whereas an example of shame may be "I'm a terrible partner because of my relationship anxiety."
Whether it's moments of guilt or shame you're experiencing as a result of doubting your relationship, it's not fun to feel that way.
So I want to propose a simple, yet hopefully effective, way to shift this thinking around.
Guilt and shame come from us thinking we're doing something wrong, right?
But what if having relationship anxiety isn't wrong to begin with?
What if we could have empathy for ourselves and the experience of relationship anxiety?
What if we could remind ourselves that making a choice in life partner is a big commitment, and it's normal to analyze this choice?
What if we could remind ourselves that we've been through some things in our life (or seen it in others' lives) that say "love isn't safe"—such as divorce, hard breakups, or other past experiences or traumas?
What if the "normal" version of falling in love I shared earlier (the happily ever after with no fear or doubt) wasn't so "normal" after all—and it is an outdated narrative with missing context?
What if we reminded ourselves that we tend to overthink almost ALL of our big life choices, transitions, or commitments—not just within relationships?
What if we chose to see our sensitivity + ability to feel things deeply as a gift instead of a burden?
If we really started believing those things, we would not feel so much guilt and shame.
We'd give ourselves some grace, and realize we're human—not perfect.
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You are not alone
Guilt can be helpful at times.
If you feel guilty for being snippy to your partner, you can become more aware of the behavior and make a change.
And yet—guilt can also be extremely unhelpful.
If you wallow in guilt, if you really let yourself stay in the guilt and soak it all in—it makes you feel really crappy, not really motivated.
I know that more times than not, guilt doesn't motivate me to change, but rather gives my inner critic another excuse to be hard on myself.
Which can lead to more anxiety...
Which can lead to more relationship anxiety...
Which can lead to more guilt...
Andddd cue cycle repeating continuously.
Before I get into some potential solutions, I wanted to note a few things that may be helpful to this discussion:
Understanding relationship anxiety better + realizing there are thousands (if not millions!) of people affected by it can help release guilt.
I remember feeling so guilty because I didn't think anyone else experienced relationship anxiety.
If you ever feel that way, just remember that I have over 50,000 combined people in my social media communities who resonate with the message I am sharing.
You are not alone, I promise you this.
Don't say no to yourself, let others say no to you.
I saw a really good TikTok about this one time—where someone said that so often, we end up saying "no" to ourselves before someone else does.
What does this mean? For example, are you worried that you are slightly unqualified for a job and don't submit the application? This would be saying no to yourself before someone could say no to you.
This is exactly what we often do in our relationships. We think that we're terrible partners, our partner doesn't deserve this, etc. etc.—but is your partner saying this—or are you? Your partner is with you for a reason. Don't say no to yourself (aka—tell yourself you should be guilty for being such a bad partner), if your partner has unmet needs, they can mention them directly.
Self-compassion is always a good idea
Remind yourself often that you're not "bad" or "wrong" for having anxiety, and try to treat yourself like you would your best friend.
Would you want your best friend or partner feeling guilty if they were going through the same thing as you were, or would you want them to be kind to themselves and help them realize they're doing their best?
How to release guilt from relationship doubt
Now, onto a few ideas for how to release guilt (and shame) bit by bit:
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Get really good at self-soothing and self-care. Next time you're feeling guilty, I want you to do something that feels soothing and kind, not criticizing yourself further.
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Come back into the present moment, and focus on getting out of your head and into your body. We won't solve our relationship anxiety guilt by trying to think our way out of it. Instead, connect to the present moment and connect to your body. Movement, breath, whatever you need to do.
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Take loving action within your relationship. Love is an action, not a feeling. At any time, you can decide to show up with loving actions towards your partner. Taking loving action can help reduce guilt and relationship anxiety.
Final thoughts
Feeling guilty isn't fun—no way around that.
However, by reminding ourselves that we are not doing anything wrong, and by using tools to soothe ourselves or shift into a more loving place, we just may be able to stop staying stuck in a guilty place.
Thanks for reading!
This post was all about relationship doubt and how to release the guilt that might come along with it.
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Questioning Healthy Relationships
If you'd like support in deepening your understanding of this topic, and to learn from someone who's been in your shoes and feels much more peace and confidence now—I have a couple ways I can support you in that:
Deconstruct the Doubts, my digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
