In her best-selling book Untamed, Glennon Doyle writes:
"I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy."
If this does not describe one of the main triggers of relationship anxiety, I don't know what does.
It can be so tempting to fall into the narrative that if you aren't happy all the time in your relationship, that automatically means you need to leave.
No questions asked, no nuance or context needed.
And that is where I completely disagree.
Without an understanding of relationship anxiety, a well-intended family member, friend, or colleague may tell you something along the lines of:
“If you’re unsure, leave.”
“If you’re irritated with your partner so much, why are you with them?”
"If you're having doubts, there's probably something wrong."
Don't get me wrong—I am all for someone leaving a toxic or abusive relationship, especially if any part of it does not feel safe (and I'm not talking about anxious fears and what-if's, I am talking about genuine safety risks here).
That should be applauded and celebrated.
However, if we're in a happy, healthy relationship all things considered, but sometimes feel sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, anxious, and all the other range of human emotions that are not in the "happy" category—we should not be encouraged to leave or end it.
I believe there is always more to the story when it comes to the doubts, uncertainty, and irritation.
And I want to offer a new perspective: if you’re feeling unsure or irritated, that’s perfectly okay.
We’re often taught that those feelings don’t belong in a relationship—that they’re “bad” or “wrong”—but I am here to tell you that isn't the case.
And while the trickster that is relationship anxiety will have you thinking that's a sign that this relationship isn't 'the one'—it's often a sign that something deeper is at play.
Something unrelated to the relationship.
Perhaps it's a negative experience with an ex that left you thinking love means loss.
Perhaps it's a narrative from childhood that says love leads to arguments and hurt.
Perhaps it's your inner critic telling you that you're not worthy of receiving love, so it pushes love away.
Whatever it is, it's usually just being mirrored back to you by your partner, but actually is not relevant to them. (again, this assumes this is not an abusive or toxic relationship).
So, inspired by Glennon's quote, I'd like to offer you my version that represented how I felt at the start of my relationship anxiety:
“I did not know I was supposed to feel a wide range of emotions in my relationship. I thought I was supposed to feel happy and grateful 24/7."
This narrative will keep you stuck in your healing journey, and is very black and white.
It's going to lead to disappointment when the other emotions or feelings inevitably make an appearance.
Instead, what if we went with the below?
"I will allow all feelings and emotions to come up in my relationship, and instead of meeting them with resistance, I will choose to get curious about them."
That sounds so much better, doesn't it?
My friends, if you are living in a state of uncertainty and irritation in your relationship right now, I want you to know you can absolutely get through it.
It’s going to take some work, but I know it’s possible from personal experience.
Moving past these feelings takes accepting them without judgment.
Instead of “I should not be feeling uncertain, I should know for sure my partner is ‘The One’,” try “I accept this uncertainty, and also wonder why I am craving the certainty so strongly? What will the certainty give me?”
Instead of “Why am I feeling so irritated with my partner? Aren’t we supposed to get along all the time?” try “I accept this irritation, and wonder where it is stemming from? What am I so bothered by, and why?”
Instead of "Why aren't these doubts going away?" try "I accept these doubts, and don't give them a timeline to be 'gone' by, and I wonder what will happen if I just allow the doubts to be here, and how that will impact my journey?
Give yourself some love and acceptance, instead of feeling guilty, and see what happens.
