When it rains, we typically trust that the sun will shine again, as it always does when mama nature runs her course.
But when we are feeling anxious, hurt, or frustrated, we typically underestimate how quickly these feelings could blow over if we allow them to run their course.
One of my all-time-favorite authors, Lori Gottlieb, discusses this so beautifully in her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone:
“There’s another...concept that I share with John: impermanence. Sometimes in their pain, people believe that the agony will last forever. But feelings are actually more like weather systems—they blow in and they blow out. Just because you feel sad this minute or this hour or this day doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way in ten minutes or this afternoon or next week. Everything you feel—anxiety, elation, anguish—blows in and out again.”
I know just how disheartening it can be when a wave of anxiety rushes over you when you're thinking about the future with your sweet, amazing partner.
If the feeling doesn't come and go, but instead stays for a few hours, days, or weeks even—it feels like it's permanent.
It feels like it's unchangeable.
It feels like a heavy weight to carry.
I know all this—AND—I know another way forward.
I know that when we can allow all of our feelings to show up, to get a seat at the table so to speak, to feel heard—that there's an opportunity for them to float on by like a rain cloud would.
Imagine this:
You're sitting outside, determined to enjoy some vitamin D in the park, or on the beach. The weather forecast is partially sunny partially cloudy, with only a chance of a light drizzle. Every so often, a big white puffy cloud hovers over you, and then keeps moving. A few times throughout the afternoon, you notice a couple darker gray clouds inch your way, and then swiftly keep moving. At one point, you even feel a few light raindrops on your skin—but within a minute or two they're gone and the sun comes back out again. You've sat back, lounging in your chair this whole time observing the changing cloud patterns, but didn't get up from your seat because you trusted that the forecast of partially cloudy with a chance of rain was accurate and want to continue relaxing as planned.
Vitamin D + relaxing mission accomplished.
This is how we can choose to show up with our relationship anxiety, too.
Bear with me for a minute as I tie this analogy together.
Let's imagine this, relationship edition:
You're sitting across from your partner, determined to enjoy some connection and quality time together. You've made plans for an anniversary dinner, and you're really excited, but also a little nervous because your relationship anxiety sometimes takes over on these types of evenings. You're enjoying the night so far, and every so often, an intrusive thought pops in saying "wait, am I having fun? or am I too in my head right now?", but you notice it, let it pass, take a few deep breaths, refocus on your partner and then the thought keeps moving. A few times throughout the evening, you even ask yourself "do I really love them?" but instead of resisting the thought, or feeling shame and guilt, you say "yes I do, I'm choosing to be here right now." At one point, you even tell yourself "I can't keep feeling this anxious anymore...this isn't worth it"—but within a minute, your partner cracks an inside joke that only you two understand, your nervous system calms, and you smile back at them, feeling really grateful for them and the quirky unique relationship you share together. Instead of hooking into each anxious thought that comes up, you've sat back, observing them, trusting that your relationship is one that you want to be in, and continue celebrating as planned.
The ability to allow a feeling to rise up, acknowledge it—then decide if you want to feel it is a freaking superpower. Making the decision to either continue feeling the feeling, or allowing it to pass through you and keep moving on with your day—oof, so tough but so important.
I'm still working at this each and every day.
But the alternative, which is not allowing yourself that decision point, and simply latching into every feeling, is exhausting.
Feeling anxious may not be a choice, but staying in that anxious place is.
And if we're not careful, we end up unconsciously deciding to stay in an anxious place, vs. consciously deciding to regulate our nervous system and move forward.
We don't have to though...
-
We can decide to self-soothe.
-
We can decide to let an intrusive thought just be an intrusive thought.
-
We can decide to trust that feelings come, and feelings go.
Remember...
"Just because you feel sad this minute or this hour or this day doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way in ten minutes or this afternoon or next week. Everything you feel—anxiety, elation, anguish—blows in and out again.”
— Lori Gottlieb
