I received a great question the other day: how do we forgive ourselves and move on after a "relapse" moment in our relationship anxiety journey?
This is something I am very familiar with—going days or weeks without feeling as anxious and then suddenly something happens and my anxiety spikes back up again, causing a familiar cycle to repeat:
Anxiety spikes —> rumination or overthinking ensues —> question the relationship —> soothe anxiety —> feel guilty and frustrated that I got anxious in the first place.
It's not the most fun experience.
During the good days and weeks, you don't want to think about the anxiety coming back, and when it does, it can feel hopeless, like it will always be there.
This question is really great because I believe there are a couple factors at play underneath the surface that need to be addressed before I answer it.
Beneath this question, I can sense there is also:
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fear of failure
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an expectation that healing is linear
Let's break each down one by one, shall we?
Fear of failure:
When I dive deeper into many of the fears that cause my relationship anxiety, they tie back to a fear of failure.
"What if me and Nate break up" is really "what if I don't have what it takes to be in a 'successful' long-term relationship?"
"What if we aren't right for one another" is really "what if I can't make good decisions for my life?"
"What if I don't love him enough?" is really "do I even know how to be in love?"
Fear of failure can be crippling.
It's human nature to have some fear of failure embedded in us, as taking risks and moving out of our comfort zones can be viewed as 'dangerous' to our ego, which tries to protect us at all costs.
However, fear of failure can alter the course of our lives greatly if we don't watch out for it.
At best, fear of failure delays can delay us from moving forward with something—and at worst, prevent us from even trying the thing in the first place.
At the conscious level, we may know that fear of failure holds us back, but at the subconscious level, there are reasons we are afraid of failing.
It may be due to perfectionist tendencies, a result of childhood conditioning that "failure = bad," a way to self-protect, or even could be caused by overly worrying what others will think.
Yet—when it comes to relationship anxiety and our healing journey, if we equate a "relapse" moment (aka, moment of anxiety spiking) to us failing, or not succeeding in our goal to be anxiety-free, then we will feel shame and guilt instead of self-compassion and understanding.
At best, we're feeling guilty, at worst, we're feeling critical and judgmental of ourselves.
"I wish it never happened, because it means I'm not far enough on my healing journey"
"I know better than to get anxiety over [insert thought here], why did it happen again?"
"If I keep getting anxiety, that must mean that this relationship isn't the right fit...it shouldn't still be here, right?"
Any of these feel familiar?…
Continuing to see the 'relapse' as a failure will continue to cause us to feel badly, so that means we need to shift the narrative.
Instead of looking at a 'relapse' as a failure, what if we looked at it as a learning opportunity?
What if we saw it as us being one step further along in our journey?
What if we saw it as a sign that we are continuing to become more aware of our anxiety tendencies in the first place?
Or, better yet, what if we remind ourselves that healing is not linear?
That brings me to my second point…
Expectation of linear healing:
I love the below photo.
*(Maybe we swap out the word "success" for "healing relationship anxiety"—but the concept still remains.)
Healing is not linear, and is not a simple one-size-fits-all process where we start at point A and end up at point B in exactly 6 months (or, whatever you have envisioned for your healing timeline).
It can be tempting to place expectations on ourselves like we would a work deadline.
"I'm going to get rid of my relationship anxiety by end of the year"
"I have to get rid of my relationship anxiety before I even think about getting engaged"
"I'll be happy when, and only when, this relationship anxiety is finally gone"
Do you see how these beliefs (whether they're happening subconsciously, or consciously) can hinder and stifle our progress?
Instead of enjoying the process of growth and change, we are looking ahead to the end result.
But what happens if we don't hit the end mark in time?
Are we then deeming ourselves a failure?
And then are we further perpetuating the fear of failure, which leads to more shame, which then prevents us from healing in the first place?
It's a slippery slope, my friends…
So what the heck do we do instead?
How do we forgive ourselves and move on after a "relapse" moment in our relationship anxiety journey?
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Instead of shaming ourselves, or feeling guilty that we are not far enough along in our journey, we give ourselves compassion and understanding right here, right now, as we are—even if (especially if) today as you read this you are feeling anxious, uncertain, or uneasy.
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Instead of focusing on the end result, we focus on celebrating the smallest, tiniest wins along the way. Did you scroll by an Instagram post that would have spiked your anxiety in the past, but it didn't today? Celebrate that. Did you practice self-soothing before going into an anxious spiral? Celebrate that. Did you sign up to work with a therapist or coach? Celebrate that. I'm all for celebrating progress, no matter how small. This also helps us to build self-worth.
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Instead of letting our inner critic prance around in our mind rent-free, we bring our inner loving parent or inner loving best friend to the forefront. We speak to ourselves as we would a best friend, or child. If your best friend or a child came to you and said "I'm having a hard time with [x]...I know I have had a hard time with this before, but it's coming up again...I'm upset"—would you hold that against them? would you tell them they should be over it by now? would you tell them that they're never going to improve, and they are destined to fail? NO. But if you're anything like me—this is the narrative our inner critic tells ourself when we "relapse." It's time to take accountability for our self-talk. This doesn't mean the inner critic doesn't still come out, but it means once we become aware of it's presence, we choose to say "thanks inner critic—but not today!" and replace the harsh self-talk with something kinder, and more loving.
Now how do those sound? Much better, right?
I hope whoever is reading this knows that you are exactly where you need to be in your healing journey in this moment.
Wishing to be farther along is only keeping you stuck.
Wishing the anxiety didn't exist is only making is feel that much "worse."
Wishing you never took three steps back after taking two steps forward is only causing you to take another three steps back.
Instead—choose compassion, choose celebration, choose kindness.
Cheering for you!
