One of my intentions for 2021 is to experience more moments of presence.
To me, that means soaking in the moment in front of me without overthinking it, without distractions from technology, and without my mind wandering into the past or future.
Easier said than done, right?
As I continue evolving and growing as a person, and continue releasing the tight-grip that relationship anxiety once had over me, I sometimes find it hard to stay present.
This is true for moments I am alone, and moments with Nate.
It’s very rare for me to feel like I get truly lost in a moment, or in ‘flow’.
Instead, I often find myself in my head or analyzing how things are going as they are happening in real-time.
Sometimes I feel like there is a disconnect between my mind and body.
My body will be there, soaking in an experience, trying to enjoy the moment.
And my mind will be there, too, but is typically analyzing the moment:
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"is this enjoyable?"
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"how am I feeling right now?"
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"oh, good! my anxiety isn't here at the moment"
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"stop overthinking and just enjoy this!"
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"does everyone else think this much?"
Part of me thinks these thoughts are my mind trying to protect me by checking to see if I am safe to let my guard down.
Part of me thinks it’s a way of trying to make sure I am really truly ‘happy’.
However, the ironic part is that all of this checking for safety and checking for happiness is leading to more of the opposite feelings; uneasiness, and unhappiness.
I sometimes wonder if I'm capable of allowing myself to simply be, to soak in a moment without thinking too much about it.
Or, on the flip side, am I being too hard on myself? Am I overanalyzing how much I overanalyze in the first place?! (ha!)
Maybe it's totally normal to think about moments as they happen, and it’s more rare than I think to really allow ourselves to be present without attaching thought to it.
My dear readers, I'd love to know if you share this experience with me…
I’m so curious to know if I am alone in how I feel!
It's always fascinating to me that I'll only ever be able to know what's going on in my mind, and never experience anyone else's reality. Being human is weird.
Maybe everyone is approaching life in a very similar way, and I’ll never really know it…
But, I digress.
The message I really wanted to share today is that constantly checking in to see if I am enjoying myself or a moment can be exhausting.
It’s not getting me any closer to my goal of enjoying the moment, and then I just feel crappy for being stuck in my head.
Do you feel the same?
If so, I hope that the quote I’m about to share from Peter Crone helps you as much as it has helped me.
He says…
“True happiness is the absence of the search for happiness.”
So. Powerful.
On the rare moments I am able to embody the absence of the search for happiness in my life, I have found much more happiness, specifically in my journey to heal relationship anxiety.
It is always the times I am stuck in my head, checking in to make sure things are ‘going well,’ or that I am ‘happy’ in the relationship when I find myself feeling anxious or uneasy—like something isn't right.
On the flip side, the times where I able to let go of the need for control, enjoy how things are as-is, and stop focusing the ‘goal’ of being happy—I end up appreciating our relationship the most.
The next time I’m ‘searching for happiness’—I’m going to circle back on this quote. If it serves you, I hope you’ll choose to hold onto it for your own gentle reminder.
Out of curiosity...do you find yourself in your head assessing the moment in front of you often, or are you really able to stay present and enjoy it?
I am always curious to know if my experience is more common than I realize 😇
Leave a comment below!
