Anxiety triggers humble me time and time again.
Each and every time they arise, I feel so connected to what it means to be a human with fears.
Being triggered reminds me that having feelings is so normal, and not something to be ashamed of.
When I am triggered and have uncomfortable feelings show up, and respond to my feelings with more love and care than I used to in the past, I'm also reminded that I've come a long way.
In this blog post, I'll share something that recently triggered me, how I used to handle triggers, how I handled the trigger differently this time around, and what aha moments came up for me after.
I hope this helps you see that changing our patterns is possible
The trigger:
A couple weeks ago, the topic of divorce popped up in my online orbit (a few times within a few days).
The first couple times divorce was mentioned, I shrugged it off, but for whatever reason the third time was a charm.
When I saw the third mention of divorce, I immediately noticed my body had a reaction.
Divorce used to be something I was so deeply afraid of to the point of kick-starting my relationship anxiety. Because it was something that happened within my family and extended family, I was no stranger to the subject, and it scared me.
Long before Nate and I were talking about getting engaged or married, I had thoughts like:
"What if I wake up one day and fall out of love and realize we have to get a divorce?"
"What if Nate and I are married with kids and then we split up our family?"
"What if I've been ignoring a red flag all along and we get a divorce in the future?"
Now? I have shifted my beliefs on divorce, and when I’m calm and feeling grounded, it doesn’t phase me like it used to.
I’ve intentionally worked to change my relationship to divorce from one of avoidance to one of acceptance.
Accepting that no one gets married assuming they will get a divorce.
Accepting that divorce often leads to both parties moving on and being happy and okay.
Accepting that divorce is not a sign of failure, it's just another part of some people's journey.
However, when I am triggered, my new beliefs about divorce can sometimes feel out of reach, and old fears pop back up.
In this case, my chest tightened up and I felt my face flush.
How I used to handle triggers:
Here’s what old me would have done in this scenario...
- create meaning about the anxiety
- worry my intuition signaling Nate and I aren’t meant to be
- judge myself for feeling this way, furthering the anxious thoughts and feelings
- spiral and shut down, pull away from giving/receiving love from Nate
This pattern didn’t help me, yet I didn’t know any other way.
If you tend to react this way to triggers, please know you're not alone. There are still moments when 'old habits die hard' for me, too.
Intentionally changing patterns or habits that we've had for years (and years and years) is not an easy task.
But it's absolutely possible...
How I handled the trigger differently this time around:
Over the last few years, bit by bit, I’ve tried new ways to respond when anxiety triggers show up.
By no means am I ‘perfect’ at it, but in this moment I saw clearly how far I’ve come.
The timing of this trigger was pretty serendipitous, if I do say so myself.
The day before my trigger, I interviewed Dr. Russell Kennedy for the podcast, and in the episode we discussed a concept from his book, Anxiety Rx, that I practice.
It's called: sensation without explanation.
Essentially, this means feeling the sensations in your body without labeling them, without adding judgments to them, and without making them mean anything at all other than that your body is having a reaction.
So, in the moment of trigger, that's what I did. Instead of the old patterns that led to spiraling, here’s how I showed up:
1. I noticed what was happening in my body ("I have tightness in my chest, my breath is really shallow, my heart rate is fast") without trying to “figure out” what that meant
2. I did a guided breath work session via Owaken App called “meeting uncomfortable emotions." (they have a free 7 day trial if you're interested in checking it out. I have also heard good things about Open Breathwork app.)
3. I noticed what feelings wanted to come up: fear, sadness, uncertainty. I allowed them to arise through tears (though tears are not always my way of processing feelings).
4. I was compassionate with myself - I placed a hand on my heart and reminded myself it’s okay to have feelings (especially when divorce is a trigger for me)
5. I journaled about the insights that came up for me - remind myself of the beliefs I have about divorce when I’m not in a triggered/fearful state of being
6. Then, because I was able to process this trigger and get back to a more grounded regulated place, I was able to be more present and loving during date night with Nate and even shared this experience with him
I was really proud of myself for pausing and going through this process instead of shoving down my feelings. It took me about 30-40 minutes.
We may not have 30-40 minutes every time anxiety triggers arise, I get that. However, I did want to share this process so that you're able to get a peek into how I'm working with my anxiety behind-the-scenes.
It's not always just a quick 60-second practice, sometimes it takes time.
The aha moments that came up for me after:
Here’s what I've realized...
No matter how much work I’ve done to move through relationship anxiety, I’m human.
Triggers happen, and this one hits closer to home since divorce has affected me directly and indirectly through my life.
Yet, the cool thing is that I no longer associate divorce triggering me with Nate. The feelings behind this trigger are fear and sadness, and my own fear and sadness are not connected to Nate.
Here's what I mean when I say fear and sadness:
- fear of pain and loss that can happen in (any) relationship
- fear of the unknowns of relationships - no one gets guarantees that things will work or that they have made the "right" choice
- (moments of) sadness that my family unit is not the same unit anymore, and this has been more top of mind as I now think ahead to my wedding and upcoming family gatherings (allowing myself to feel this, even though it's also a very exciting time)
The fact that this trigger hit a little harder within 2 weeks of me getting engaged makes perfect sense to me.
There’s now a new subtle pressure underneath the surface (as much as I try not to put this on myself, it’s just there societally) that a wedding symbolizes “forever.”
The funny thing about “forever” is that I deeply trust in me and Nate’s relationship. I love our love. I’m confident in us.
AND — the fears I mentioned above have not suddenly disappeared from my life. I still don’t have guarantees that future pain or loss will be avoided. No one does.
But here’s what has changed — my response to the fears.
- I’m much kinder to the fears and to myself
- I’m less worried about trying to “know” why triggers come up and much more focused on soothing
- I’m making space for feelings to be felt instead of resisting them
...and if that isn’t major growth, I don’t know what is.
I hope the processing of my trigger has given you new ideas and that you've taken something away to support you from this blog post.
I'm always rooting for you...
