"Whenever we expect to feel a certain way (blissful, connected, happy), the other emotions inside us clamor for attention, until we break down in some form"
- Sheryl Paul, The Wisdom of Anxiety
Let's talk holiday anxiety.
The holidays are a time filled with external pressures to be happy, merry and joyful.
And I can't lie—I do love me some gifts, holiday decorations, twinkly lights, cheesy Hallmark movies, peppermint bark and most stereotypical “holiday” activities.
But, even with all of these awesome holiday perks, there are are other not-so-positive things that come up during this season.
Do any of these stressors resonate?
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Pressure to spend more money than normal
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Pressure to host + cook a holiday meal
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Comparison traps on social media about who's having a picture-perfect holiday celebration
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Grief around family members who are no longer here to celebrate holidays
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Grief around changes in family dynamics that become more apparent around the holiday season
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[2020 bonus]: Pressure to see people even with the uncertainty of covid
With the joys of the season also come stresses.
And as humans, we cannot decide when we will or will not experience certain feelings/stresses like the ones I just listed. As much as I’d like to take a break from anxiety during the holiday season, it just doesn’t work that way!
Just like any other day/time period, anxiety, irritation, grief or apathy may arise around the holiday season.
The anxiety we feel as individuals impacts how we show up as a partner, friend, sibling, daughter/son, and parent—so it's important to bring awareness to our anxiety triggers, especially the ones that creep in more towards the holiday season.
In the book The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sheryl Paul, she discusses four realms of anxiety that one should be mindful of.
All four of these realms can impact our anxiety levels on any given day—holidays included.
I will be going over each of these four realms and add suggestions for how to prepare so that your body, mind and soul are set up for success this holiday season.
Body
Anxiety is not just something that manifests in the mind, it often shows symptoms throughout the body as a sign that something is up. In The Wisdom of Anxiety Sheryl says “oftentimes, anxiety will communicate to us via the physical realm, and the presence of anxiety is often a message alerting us to the need to take loving care of our physical bodies.”
Some causes of anxiety that affect us physically are taking in too much sugar and processed foods, drinking alcohol, not getting enough movement or exercise, and being under-slept. I don't know about you but during the holiday season, almost all of these things are part of my regular routine with the exception of being under-slept, though I cannot speak to the quality of sleep I am getting.
In order to create a strong physical body where anxiety is not invited in as frequently, we need to ensure we are hydrating, moving our bodies, eating greens, and getting rest. While it is tempting to take the holidays "off" from our wellness routine, it's almost MORE important to keep up with it so we can balance out the inevitable drinks, meals and sweet treats we will partake in.
I used to think I had to workout and eat healthy in to “undo” holiday eating and drinking so I didn’t gain weight, but little did I know there were more important reasons to take care of my body: lowering the anxiety caused by the eating and drinking. Keep that in mind as you head into a season where it’s common to over-indulge.
Thoughts
One of the more obvious manifestations of anxiety is in the wandering mind, our thoughts. Often time, anxiety consists of what are called intrusive thoughts, and because I absolutely love this book, I am once again quoting Sheryl's words from The Wisdom of Anxiety. She says “an intrusive thought is a repetitive, unwanted, and pervasive thought that causes suffering and prevents you from being present for your life.”
Intrusive thoughts around the holidays could sound like:
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"What if someone I love gets covid and gets really sick?"
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"What if 2021 isn't any better than 2020? I can't do another year of this messiness"
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"My bank account is getting lower and lower by the day...I'm concerned about my credit card bills"
While these thoughts may appear to be true and valid, often times they are coming from a place of fear. And funny enough, fear-based thoughts are not necessarily true—it's our brains trying to protect us and keep us safe from what could go wrong.
In order to move through intrusive thoughts, we must bring them into our awareness.
An old therapist of mine discussed a technique called "name it to tame it" that can be used to help move through intrusive thoughts. We must literally call ourselves out and name the thought popping up so we can "tame” it. This helps us avoid getting sucked into ruminating about it because we are being mindful.
Another important technique to be aware of is something I have covered on the blog before, Byron Katie's 4-step process called The Work, where you learn to question your thoughts and envision how you’d feel without the thought present. Take a peek at that post if you missed it to give yourself some ammo next time an intrusive thought grabs hold.
Not everything we think is the truth, and this holiday season especially, I challenge you to question your thoughts instead of getting sucked into a rumination spiral.
Feelings
In addition to our physical body and our mind, we also may FEEL a wide range of emotions over the holiday season. If we try to resist the not-so-happy emotions, they will persist. If we instead show curiosity and acceptance towards the emotions, we allow ourselves to move through the feelings faster.
Try something for me.
As you read this, can you name what are you feeling at this moment?
Pause for 5 seconds and think of the first word that comes to mind.
Then, check out this Feelings Wheel and see if you can find a more specific word, perhaps one on the outer edge of the wheel: http://feelingswheel.com.
Were you able to better pin-point how you are feeling?
Many times, we may say we feel "badly" when we are really feeling something more specific, like "apathetic" or "unfocused.” The more specific and granular we can get with how we are feeling, the more we can decide to take action against something and change the feelings.
Let’s go over some examples:
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If you're feeling overwhelmed, you could then create a to-do list of just 2-3 items to get done for the day, nothing more than that. When you have to pick the top things that matter, the other things suddenly feel less urgent and you can reduce overwhelm.
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If you're feeling helpless, you could then decide to limit your media consumption and take a 48-hour break from consuming social media or the news. There is too much going on in the world right now for us to carry on our own shoulders. We must allow ourselves to unplug every now and again.
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If you're feeling grief, you could decide to reach out to a friend or family member and share one positive memory you have with them around the holiday time and ask them to do the same. Gratitude and appreciation are the antidote to sadness and fear.
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If you're feeling numb, to try and generate some excitement and energy, you could sit down and journal about one goal or dream you have for yourself in 2021—something that would help you create some forward momentum. Even if it feels small, try to take action against this goal or dream so you have things to look forward to.
Now that you have access to the feelings wheel—this holiday season, try to bring more specific feelings to your awareness in the moment and acknowledge what you need at that time to soothe.
When all is said and done, the key takeaway here is to feel your feelings and have no shame about them. Whatever feelings come up, do not try to push them away—instead welcome them in and watch them pass by faster this way.
Soul + spirit
Amidst the busy-ness that comes along with the end of year + holidays, we must make time for our soul and spirit to take time away from doing and instead focus on just simply being.
One thing I learned this year during the pandemic was just how much I was distracting myself from feeling my feelings with my endless to-do list and filled calendar.
It was when I finally took a moment to slow down that I realized that I had things that needed to be addressed, like my relationship anxiety.
Taking 15, 30, 60 or even 90 minutes for yourself daily is not selfish, it is vital for your wellbeing.
Being fully booked, and constantly on the move is not only exhausting, but it's counter-productive. It leads to burnout and overwhelm.
So this year, especially if you find yourself home more during this holiday season due to covid—embrace that time to yourself and use it to fill up your own cup so you start 2021 feeling energized and refreshed. It is okay to grieve all of the hard things happening in our world today AND still make yourself a priority.
Some inspiration for you if needed…
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order yourself a new fiction book and cozy up on the couch and read
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try journaling for 30 minutes with no goal or agenda, just get your thoughts and feelings out into the open free-form and see if that releases anything that's been building up
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bundle up and get outside for a long walk in nature—maybe even on a new trail you've never been to in your area. bonus: leave your phone at home
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take a warm bubble bath
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stretch out or try a yoga or meditation video from youtube
The possibilities are endless! The key here is to make uninterrupted time in your holiday schedule to fully unplug. So often we think that watching Netflix or scrolling on our phones is our only way to relax, but I encourage you to take some time away from technology this holiday season and seeing if that has any impacts on anxiety levels.
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As Sheryl Paul’s quote reads at the top of the page: “Whenever we expect to feel a certain way (blissful, connected, happy), the other emotions inside us clamor for attention, until we break down in some form.”
Please do not let yourself get to the point of breakdown.
As we head into December and start preparing to close out the wild year of 2020, I hope that you embrace all of the feelings that may arise and allow them to exist. I hope you take time every day to unplug and unwind in a way that relaxes you. I hope you learn to question the thoughts that lead to anxiety. And I hope you find the energy to move your body for a few minutes each day.
It's tempting to put self-care on hold during the holidays and pick it back up in January.
But this year, I think it's even more important than ever to give ourselves the gift of time and space to close out 2020 and make room for what 2021 has in store.
Cheering for you!
xx
Sarah
