How the heck do we filter out family and/or friends’ opinions of our relationship?
Is it even possible to fully do so?
Let’s talk about it.
As most of my blog posts are, this one is based off of suggested topics from my email community. This specific topic has come up a handful of times, and as I continue writing I’ll be sure to quote some of the submissions directly.
I quote people’s questions for a couple reasons:
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To help guide the response to the article
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To help anyone reading this feel less alone and see themselves in the people who have submitted the topics
The following question is extremely common amongst those experiencing doubts in their loving, healthy relationships:
“Have you had trouble not valuing your close friends'/family's opinion about your partner more than your own opinion of your partner? I find that I have a hard time trusting what I feel, or when I'm feeling shutdown, it can feel like all I have to go on are the reactions of others toward my partner. The irony is that they aren't the one spending their life with this person, I am... yet somehow I look to them to tell me if this is a good thing or not.”
There’s so much goodness to discuss within this question.
A few components specifically stood out to me:
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“more than your own opinion of your partner” + “somehow I look to them to tell me if this is a good thing or not” = this shows you’re likely the type of person who wants to do the right thing at all costs, and have the approval of others (even if it’s at your own expense)
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“I find I have a hard time trusting what I feel” = this shows you’re likely a person who lacks a strong sense of self trust (you’re in good company, I’m still working on building up my self trust levels!)
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“when I’m feeling shutdown” = being shut down usually involves a highly sensitive time, and usually one where we’re more in our head and thus more hypercritical
All of these components absolutely make sense as to why family or friends’ opinions would hold so much weight over you.
If you’re the type of person who wants to do the right thing/get a roadmap for life, have approval of others (especially close relationships), and be the “good girl” or “good person” — it’s no wonder you’d highly value other people’s opinions or advice.
Another community member mentioned that she tends to wonder that if she shares her relationship anxiety journey with people close to her, she tends to worry “do they think we’re unhappy or there’s trouble in paradise?” or “is there something I am missing?” when they don’t fully understand what’s going on.
All of this again makes perfect sense if you’re focusing on doing the right thing, seeking other’s approval, and being a “good person.”
It’s not inherently bad or wrong to want to do the right thing, seek other’s approval, or be a good person either.
All of these things are lovely and common patterns of human behavior.
However, when they become such powerful drivers in your life that you find yourself becoming anxious as a result, it’s time to take a step back and decide if you want to continue in that way, or work to shift your “goals” and values.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I truly believe that most times someone gives your their opinion or advice, they’re doing so from a place of positive intent.
Unless someone is trying to hurt you, their opinion or advice is likely given with your best interests at heart.
However, and this is a big however, just because they have your best interests at heart, doesn’t mean they can dictate what is best for you or not best for you, and doesn’t mean they’re the only person who’s advice matters/should be considered when it comes to your relationship.
Despite having positive intentions and your best interests at heart, here are a few reasons why someone’s advice may be triggering or hurtful:
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They’re projecting their own experiences (positive or negative) onto you, and don’t realize that your experiences are not theirs. An example of a “positive” experience that might be projected would be someone saying “Well, I KNEW my person was right for me, and I just want you to have that same experience!” not realizing that some people are more sensitive or analytical when it comes to their relationships. An example of a “negative” experience that might be projected would be someone saying “be sure to pick the right person the first time around...” (if they’ve been divorced, for example). Both of these examples have pure intentions, but the person saying these things may not realize the consequences, especially to an anxious mind.
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They think they know whats best for you, or want to insert themselves/be supportive and don’t realize it’s your life/your choices to make, or don’t realize their “support” is causing you to feel anxious or doubtful. Many times our family and friends want to insert themselves into our lives from a loving place, and it may feel meaningful for them to contribute their opinion or advice to something important like a relationship. But if they can’t fully relate to what we’re going through in our journey with relationship anxiety or ROCD, it’s likely that they’re going to misunderstand what’s really going on and “support” in a way that can lead to further confusion.
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More on how to set boundaries around this later
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They are regurgitating relationship advice that has been passed down from their family and friends, or from societal “norms” without questioning the advice themselves or looking for the missing context/nuance. How many times have you heard someone say “never settle!” “are they The One?” or “you deserve nothing but the best!” - these are common phrases tossed around without most stopping to question how helpful they are. Yes we don’t want to settle for disrespectful behavior or abuse, yes we do want to pick a partner we can enjoy our life with (and also go through challenges with), yes we do deserve to experience fulfillment in our lives - but we also can get carried away in expecting perfection if we don’t stop to question these narratives. If someone has given you their opinion or advice, they may just be telling you what they think is right, but that doesn’t mean it is (or at least for you specifically).
Again, none of this is likely intentional. If someone is intentionally trying to hurt you, that’s a whole other ballgame, but I’m going to work under the assumption here that most of the close family or friends in your life are really rooting for you.
Now that we’ve addressed some of the “why” behind us feeling triggered by advice of others, and outlined some of the potential reasons they give this advice or their opinions in the first place, let’s talk about ways to shift out of this reactive place.
One email community member asked “how do you navigate conversations when people you love/admire/respect are giving you relationship advice? Looking through my old notes I wrote "don't give people firewood to make the fire." Since I think so many people can identify as "people pleasers" or seek answers outside themselves, when advice is given from someone you care about, it can be very triggering and difficult to navigate. I think writing about ways to stay open and curious or ways to disengage/divert from those conversations could be helpful.”
I love the awareness that’s within this submission, and especially love the phrase “don’t give people firewood to make the fire.”
I have a few recommendations for ways to shift out of being reactive to others opinions of your relationship/partner.
1- Soothe, regulate and pause
Try your best not to react to this in the moment and do your best so soothe or regulate after the advice or opinion is shared, if you feel triggered.
You can “put it in your pocket” so to speak to revisit the next day (if that is even needed). Most times we think something needs to be addressed urgently, and it doesn’t.
Soothe or regulate by excusing yourself for a few quick breaths (bathroom break!) or focus on bringing yourself into the present moment with the 5 senses (touch a blanket near by, for example) and remind yourself that you’re safe.
You’re not in danger, despite what your anxious mind is telling you.
2 - Continue building up a base of trust in yourself and your relationship
Someone who has strong levels of self trust and trust in their relationship would likely hear advice from family or friends and let it roll right off their backs.
They’d know that their choice of partner is trustworthy, they’d know that they’re strong enough to handle whatever happens, and they’d trust in their relationship.
Now before you get too worried and think “well, I don’t trust myself or my relationship, so it must not be the right one!” — lack of self trust is something you’d likely come across in any healthy relationship if you’re experiencing it now. It’s not our partner bringing that out in us (if they’re a healthy, kind partner), it’s our own.
And similarly, lack of trust in the relationship working out is also not necessarily a sign you’re doomed or in the wrong relationship, it’s likely or possibly a sign that your relationship anxiety is high and there’s still some work to do to feel more comfortable, or perhaps there are some relationship challenges to be worked through (ex: wanting to work on communication).
Higher levels of trust in yourself and your relationship should result in you 1. caring less to seek advice or opinions from family/friends in the first place 2. caring less what they say + not letting it affect your own beliefs.
3 - Set the tone of conversations, and/or set any necessary boundaries
This ties beautifully into the "don't give people firewood to make the fire" phrase. I’ve discussed with many of my clients before that our friends and family often react to our tone or energy in conversations.
If you’re questioning things in your relationship, it’s no wonder someone may react or respond in a way that does, too. If you’re feeling confident in the relationship or setting boundaries around how you discuss your relationship, people will react to that.
So be mindful of who you’re discussing your relationship with (does this person tend to be supportive, or unintentionally triggering), and be mindful of the energy you’re bringing into the conversation.
Are you setting someone up to give their advice and opinion by asking them questions? Are you setting boundaries to unsolicited advice? We’re allowed to set boundaries, even to family and friends, and especially to them.
I love the advice from @thetruthdoctor on TikTok in HOW to set boundaries: use “if you, then I” statements. Example: if you continue to give me relationship advice, I will leave the conversation.
The truth of the matter is I think it’s impossible to fully, 100% tune out other people’s opinions.
And if we didn’t care at all (zero f*cks) about what others thought, we would likely push away many relationships in our life, so please know it’s absolutely okay to value the opinion of others.
It’s just when those opinions from others start to become more important than our own, and we begin to feel anxious or question ourselves that we may want to revisit.
It’s okay if we feel triggered, AND, we have options of what to do next (soothe, tap into self trust, set boundaries if necessary).
Rooting for all of you!
Disclaimer: this blog post (and all of my content) assumes you’re in a relationship without abuse present. If you’re being mistreated and you have people telling you that they’re worried for your safety, please do not discredit their advice.
Disclaimer: most of this article is written under the assumption of people giving “generic” relationship advice. If there is advice or opinions being given about your unique situation that feel outside of the realm of this article (ex: judgments from family around the race or sexual identity or orientation of your partner), I recommend working through this alongside a therapist.
If you'd like support in deepening your understanding of relationship anxiety and to learn from someone who's been in your shoes and feels much more peace and confidence—I have a couple ways I can support you in that:
Deconstruct the Doubts, my self-study digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
