I want to share a real-time story with you to show the way that a challenging moment or situation can be turned around and lead to vulnerability and connection in a relationship.
This one is a more vulnerable blog post (for my email community specially!) and it will give you insight into how Nate and I operate and work through conflict.
First, to share the quote that inspired this blog topic and has impacted me deeply...
Every once in a while, you hear quotes that resonate on such a deep level that they stick with you and become memorized.
For me, many of those quotes come from Brené Brown - she has such a way with her words.
One such quote is “I get scary when I’m scared.”
So simple, yet so profound.
And there’s so much truth to it, because I think it describes a very human response to fear: acting in ways to self-protect (but in a way that is often hurtful).
Brené’s quote came to life last week, when both Nate and I fell into “I get scary when I’m scared” mode.
I will admit, this mostly falls on me. As we moved into a new apartment together and tried to get used to a semi-new morning and work routine for the week, things felt a bit tense.
The little things annoyed me.
I work from home and Nate goes into the office most days, but last week he was home in the mornings and I felt like it encroached on my morning routine.
Instead of being curious, I was defensive — “why aren’t you going into the office?”
Instead of being supportive, I was critical — “I should know if you are changing things up in your work-from-home schedule that affect me.”
Instead of being a teammate, I was focused on myself — “you’re in my work from home space.”
On Thursday morning, I packed up my work stuff to go into a cafe after realizing we’d both be working at home yet again.
Call it me being overly claustrophobic or dramatic, but I needed to have my “me time.”
Nate lovingly, but directly called this to my attention.
“Things feel a bit tense. I live here too, and it feels like I can’t work from home without you being upset or frustrated” he said.
I agreed. I tried to really listen, I shared my perspective, and so did he.
I shared that for me, it was less about him being home and more about feeling like I had a small sliver of a plan for the week: which days can I expect to be home on my own (for example, to create social media content and video without another person talking), and which days should I work around both of us being here.
He shared that for him, he really values the flexibility of getting to schedule his day around a mid-day workout and lunch at home, and some mornings it’s really helpful to work from home so he doesn’t have to go back and forth from the office in the middle of the day.
We both agreed there were things we could do to be more of a team—you know, the “us vs. the problem” mentality instead of “me vs. you.”
I still decided to go to the cafe that morning, but I felt much better that we’d cleared the air.
Yet—something in me knew that I was barely scratching the surface of my feelings around the issue.
At the cafe, I journaled and reflected.
Brene’s quote popped in my mind at this point, and I had an idea to email Nate with some of the core feelings I was really experiencing.
Not annoyance, irritation, or inflexibility with changing plans, but FEAR.
Being scared.
I wanted to share an email exchange that took place between Nate and I on that day (sometimes, I communicate better with written word and not in person).
I share this with you to remind you that we’re human, it’s okay to have disagreements, AND, usually if you’re willing to go deeper, you often find that what’s driving you both is being scared.
Here is my email to Nate:
Hi bb,
“I get scary when I’m scared” — Brené Brown
I don’t always realize it in the moment, but 99, maybe even 100% of the time I am acting/reacting towards you in a way that is snippy, selfish, irritated, or anything else like that—I am scared.
I’m scared that by us being around each other too much and not creating distance, we will lose any sort of passion we have for one another because when you’re too connected, you don’t have the mystery and separateness that passion thrives on.
I’m scared that when you ask me where little things are around the house that I think are obvious or you “should be figuring out because I did” that we will turn into a “parent-child-like” dynamic and that scares me because I know neither of us would be attracted to the other person in that role.I’m scared that we’re both going to continue getting busier and busier with work, and not the opposite.
I’m scared that our phase of career growth will be so successful for both of us and when we’re past that phase, that we will have looked back and wished we had spent more time connecting (and having the energy to connect).
And likely more engrained in my subconscious than those shorter-term things, I still get scared sometimes that:
-
I can’t predict how the future will look for our relationship (and relationships in general).
-
The evolution of feelings in relationships (which is normal) can disappoint me at times and I still have some work to do accepting that this is a natural part of life and human behavior.
-
We will gradually put in less effort and intention into our relationship and become more like roommates than lovers and partners.
-
I will fail at being a good girlfriend or wife in the future and you’ll resent me and wish you hadn’t been with someone who’s anxious and more structured.
-
I’ll lose myself in this relationship (which is my own responsibility, not yours).
I wanted to give you a small peek into what’s likely happening below the surface of this tension that has been happening recently (and has happened before when we are not being mindful and checking in more consistently - something we can both acknowledge is really helpful for us).
I’d guess that there are likely some fears or deeper frustrations happening on your end too, and I’d love to hear them sometime if you are willing to reflect on them or share (no rush).
I love you very much and I know that we make a great team when we’re being intentional about it. I promise to keep doing my part to strengthen our relationship and listen to you and try to really hear you.
Love you sm,
Bb
Here is Nate’s reply:
Thanks for this and I love you a lot:)
I agree with everything you said and mostly with:
I’m scared that we’re both going to continue getting busier and busier with work, and not the opposite. I’m scared that our phase of career growth will be so successful for both of us and when we’re past that phase, that we will have looked back and wished we had spent more time connecting (and having the energy to connect).
We aren't spending enough time focusing on the relationship, period. We will figure out the “How” later, but the first thing we need to work on is boundaries and not talking about work or work problems. We should try and find other things to talk about - traveling, plans for the weekend, planning a date night, going for a walk, being present when we watch TV together, books we are reading, DJing, etc.
Work talk/discussion does not = passionate relationship
Being present, finding new things to do, or plan for = excitement/passionate relationship
The fact we are aware of this [means] we've taken a huge fist step! Now, we just need to work together to discuss how we can get there.
My email back:
I agree! Let's discuss it more over some quality-non-work-time and brainstorm together. “Us vs. the problem” mentality, not “me vs. you” :)
Thanks for that reminder that we’re always best as a team.
I share this email exchange as a permission slip to lean into being scared.
It’s okay to admit when you are scared…when fear is in the driver’s seat.
Being scared doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you’re human.
Being scared doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re in touch with your feelings.
Being scared doesn’t mean you’re unable to have a successful relationship, it means you’re going to have to tap into your courage.
I highly encourage you to zoom out from the disagreements, or anxieties, or flaws that you’re focused on in your partner and ask “what am I really scared of here?”
The answers to that question hold a lot of wisdom.
If you'd like support in deepening your understanding of this topic, and to learn from someone who's been in your shoes with relationship anxiety and feels much more peace and confidence now—I have a couple ways I can support you in that:
Deconstruct the Doubts, my digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
This was originally posted on my old website, and the comments didn't transfer over. Here they are:
