There are a lot of catch phrases and statements floating around on social media these days that are missing context and further explanation.
When read at face value, they come with a ton of assumptions—one of them being that they apply to everyone in the same way.
One of these phrases is "if they wanted to, they would."
For example...
-
"If they wanted to text you first, they would."
-
"If they wanted to take initiative and plan date night, they would."
-
"If they wanted to cook you a nice dinner, they would."
-
"If they wanted to be vulnerable and open up, they would."
-
"If they wanted to see you, they would."
This advice isn't "right" or "wrong," "good" or "bad"—it's something that has nuance to it and isn't a blanket statement that applies to every person's individual situation equally.
So, let's break it down a bit further.
First, I want to start by saying that I believe this advice can have different meanings for different relationship stages (just starting to talk vs. newly dating vs. long-term relationship).
I will try to weave in a variety examples from these different stages of relationships, however, please know I am writing from the perspective of someone who's in a 5-year relationship, and haven't been in the 'dating scene' for quite some time.
With that said, there are a few components of this advice that come to mind for me (and they all funny enough tie in with one another very nicely):
-
Expectations vs. reality (and examining expectations, as well)
-
Voicing needs clearly (no one is a mind reader)
-
Aligning with someone based on values, lifestyle, and boundaries
Expectation vs. Reality
Expectations play a large role in the statement "if they wanted to, they would."
What are you expecting from someone that they should "want to" be doing?
-
Is it texting you first after a first date to schedule the next one?
-
Is it planning the next date if you're newly dating?
-
Is it planning an anniversary trip if you're 5 years in?
The expectations you have, compared to the reality of the situation will often determine if you're feeling disappointed.
And if you're feeling disappointed, you may resonate more with the statement "well, if they wanted to, they would!"
Being disappointed can hold valuable insights...
It may mean something is going against your values, lifestyle, or boundaries (more to come on that later!) or it may mean that you need to re-examine your expectations and decide if they're serving you.
Examining your expectations is important because you want to determine if you're expecting something because you actually want it, or, if it feels like a cultural "norm" that you have adopted subconsciously, but maybe it's not as important to you as you think.
For example: texting all day every day when you're newly talking to someone. Is that actually "right" or is that an expectation that "if they wanted to [talk to me and get to know me], they would" and really we're further perpetuating a lack of technology boundaries and prioritizing someone over ourself throughout the day by not taking time for us?
For example: taking the lead on planning the next date. Is that actually something the other person should be responsible for, or is it an expectation that "if they wanted to [put in the effort to win me over], they would" and we're further perpetuating the idea that it's one person's job to fulfill us and we can't play an equal role in the relationship?
For example: planning an anniversary trip or coming up with a special gift. Is that actually something the partner should know we want and plan it without us having any say, or is it an expectation that "if they wanted to [show they really loved me and appreciated me], they would plan an extravagant trip or give me a fancy gift to show that."
Now, I'm not saying none of these things are nice and valuable to someone.
However, if we know this "expectation vs. reality" dynamic will play out in our relationships, it's important that we get really crystal clear on what our expectations are so that we can begin to communicate them vs. assuming this person knows them (or "should know" them based on some cultural norm of how to act).
This leads to the second point:
Voicing Your Needs Clearly—no one is a mind-reader
Mastin Kipp, a trauma-informed emotional health coach, has a great quote that says: "getting mad at someone for not meeting a need you've never asked for is like getting mad at a waiter for not bringing you food you didn't order."
Read that again, because it's so dang true, especially in the context of intimate relationships.
A not-so-subtle message implied from "if they wanted to, they would" is that this person should know what we want and meet our needs, because, if they wanted to—they would, right?
I don't think this is the case, and I think that expecting it to be the case is what ends up harming our relationships.
Instead of "if they wanted to, they would" → I believe we should be saying "if I want it, I have to communicate."
I know, it doesn't sound sexy to ask for what you want—it's much more romantic if someone surprises you, right?
But we're all unique humans with different expectations and lenses that we view the world in, so expecting someone to know what you want or read your mind is a little crazy, if we really think about it.
-
One person may want a hand-written card.
-
One person may want flowers or a gift.
-
One person may want tickets to a concert.
-
One person may want a home-cooked meal.
-
One person may want a spontaneous day trip booked.
None of these things are right or wrong, they're all unique and lovely in their own way!
These do, however, all tie back to these "social norms" in a way.
And I will ask again, are those norms you actually need or want, or are they just societal expectations that you think are the "right way" to be in a relationship?
Just because you scroll past someone on TikTok and their husband or boyfriend is cooking them a gourmet meal, doesn't mean you need your partner to do that.
Yes, it would be nice—but is that actually a core desire of yours, or do you have FOMO?
And who's to say that person didn't tell their partner that they loved getting meals cooked for them at some point in their relationship, and their partner then chose to deliver on that?
We must over-communicate our needs and values to our partner to make sure they are on the same page.
It's important to make sure that this is a value or need you share, or they are willing to meet, vs. assuming they will just know you want something.
To be very clear: I'm not saying to be in a relationship with someone who is not showing you that they are "in it" (in whatever way you're craving). If you value someone who is a consistent communicator, you've told them you value communication, and you're 6 weeks into talking to someone who barely sends you any messages—note that.
Pay attention to how that makes you feel and move forward accordingly.
That may be one of the times where "if they wanted to, they would" feels much more true for the situation at hand.
However, if you're 6 weeks into talking to someone and they've mentioned they're really busy during the workday, but check in after work each day, and take initiative into planning the next time you see each other—pay attention to how that makes you feel, too. We don't need to talk 24/7 to prove we're "in it."
This is going to be very individualized for everyone reading this, and that's the cool part about being human: we're all so unique.
There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all advice, and that's why I love breaking down these types of terms/phrases in more detail so we can all realize how much nuance there is to each of them.
"If they wanted to, they would" also depends on connecting with someone who shares similar (not perfectly exact!) values, lifestyle and boundaries. Let's discuss:
Values, Lifestyle, Boundaries
What do you value?
-
Do you value deep, meaningful conversations and connection?
-
Do you value growth (individually and within relationships)?
-
Do you value kindness, respect, and compassion?
-
Do you value faith and religion?
-
Do you value having a large family one day?
What is your lifestyle of choice?
-
Do you spend a lot of time traveling or going on adventures, or tend to be a home body?
-
Do you drink, or smoke, or prefer to not—and does this affect who you want to spend time with?
-
Do you tend to have a completely booked social calendar, or prefer to cozy up with Netflix?
-
Do you work a lot, or prefer to have more free time?
-
Do you enjoy trying new foods, or keep to the same favorites?
What about your boundaries?
What will you not accept in your life? How will you set guidelines around this (that are in your control)?
-
Ex: I will walk away from conversations where names are being called
-
Ex: I will leave the party if you're drinking past the point of being coherent
-
Ex: I will leave a relationship where physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse takes place
It's hard to know what we value, what our preferred lifestyle is, or what our boundaries are sometimes without spending time reflecting on them.
And yet, knowing these things are so important for our own self-awareness, and to share with current or potential partners.
Without this awareness, we can't sync up with a potential or current partner.
And without syncing up with our potential or current partner, we may feel more resentful if they are not meeting our needs, valuing the same things, or showing up for life in the same way we would.
What do I mean by this?
Well, if you find yourself thinking "if they wanted to, they would" a lot when you're getting to know someone or in a relationship with someone...maybe the phrase does have some truth to it, but not in the way that we think.
Maybe the phrase could also be said as "if they valued the same things as me, they would do [insert thing here]."
That distinction is important.
It's not just "if this person is a good person, they would do whatever I am expecting them to do" but rather "if this person is a good match for me, they will either 1) value similar things as me and act accordingly or 2) be receptive to me sharing what I need and follow through to show their care and support for me and the relationship."
This mays WAY more sense to me. Do you agree?
It's less about this person magically reading your mind and showing up according to some societal norm way of showing up, and more about you making sure that you're openly communicating your expectations (after making sure they're YOUR expectations—not someone else's), and seeing if that person is willing to meet them or not.
So how does that play out?
This could mean that if you're newly talking to someone and come to find that they don't value similar behaviors or things as you, then you learn that maybe they weren't a good long-term fit after all...
Or on the flip side, if you start sharing what your expectations are this person starts showing up and doing these things, they are listening and wanting to show up for you, which is great!
This could mean that if you're in a long-term relationship like I am, you get the chance to continue discussing values and lifestyles and boundaries with your partner and co-creating the relationship from there, not just from one person's expectations.
Instead of thinking "if they wanted to, they would" in a long-term relationship, it's important to discuss the expectations and come to a compromise.
If you want a trip planned, why does it have to be your partner doing it?
If you want a specific gift for your birthday, why not ask for it?
If you want them to surprise you with a nice card or date night, let them know.
I do think that "if they wanted to, they would" does have some truth to it.
But without understanding your expectations, communicating them, and aligning with someone on values, lifestyle and boundaries—you may never get to experience someone following through with what someone "would" do in a relationship!
Maybe they would [insert something here] if they were on the same page with you, and getting on the same page is 50% your responsibility.
