“I believe that the two words ‘I’m sorry’ are the most important in the human language”
— Harriet Lerner, Author
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I know I have a ton of work to do when it comes to mastering the art of apologies, and I learned so much from the 2-part podcast episode with Harriet and Brené Brown, “I’m Sorry: How to Apologize & Why it Matters”. (click here & here for those episodes)
Being able to give a genuine apology is not easy, but can make all the difference in your relationships.
I’m excited to share Harriet’s wisdom with you.
Why Apologies are Important
I don’t know about you, but I feel pretty crappy when I need to apologize. It can feel like I am wrong, or a bad person—and I often wish I could sweep whatever happened under the rug and move on. But Harriet notes there are three important gifts that come from a heartfelt apology:
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A gift to the person that was hurt. They will feel soothed, more able to move on from obsessing or feeling self-righteous, they will feel safer again in the relationship, and the apology validates the hurt party’s sense of reality.
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A gift to yourself. It may not always feel that way at first, but when you apologize, you are growing in maturity and self-worth. Apologizing helps your accountability, self-respect and self-esteem, as well as earning respect from the opposite party.
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A gift to the relationship. Relationships don’t function unless you can trust that the people in it will try to heal and repair things that go astray.
So, not only does an apology make the hurt person feel better—but you’ll feel better, you’ll earn more respect, and you’ll mend the relationship faster.
Seems like a win-win-win to me.
Ingredients for a Heartfelt Apology
Now that we’ve established why it’s important it is to give an apology in the first place, let’s go into the how. Here are the essential ingredients for a heartfelt apology.
A true apology:
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Does not include the word “but”—anything after the “but” is a criticism, justification, or excuse
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Keeps the focus on your actions and not the other person’s response—for example, you would not say “I’m sorry you were offended by that” but rather “I’m sorry I made that rude comment”
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Includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation—for example, “I’m sorry I lost your book, I will replace it for you”
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Does not overdo—give an apology that is equivalent to the situation at hand. If you are bringing someone’s Tupperware back one day later than expected, you do not need to over-apologize by saying “I’m so sorry, I am a terrible friend”
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Does not get caught up in who is more to blame or who started it. You apologize for your part of the problem even if the other person can’t see their part— this is important in an argument that gets out of hand. Even if your partner is “wrong” and you think your part is only 5%, you still apologize for your 5%.
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Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance
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Should not serve to silence another person—an example of what not to say would be “I said I’m sorry seven times, please stop talking about this already”
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Should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks the other party feeling worse. All apologies are not welcome—for example, don’t apologize just so you feel less guilty, especially if the other person has asked for space
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Does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive—an example of what not to say would be: “I’m sorry I said that earlier. We’re running late so let’s get ready and go to dinner!” Apologizing is not a bargaining tool, let the other person sit with it and digest
I found there to be so much truth to that list, and so much of it seems like common sense.
So why is it so hard to follow through in the moment?
Take this example between Nate and I a week ago…
We were cleaning up and packing our stuff for an upcoming long weekend trip. I was helping bring some of his things downstairs, and he asked me where his glasses were. I rolled my eyes and said “over there, with all the other stuff of yours I brought down…”
(okay okay, not my best response)
He calmly said “babe, listen to yourself right now” as a nudge to help bring me to a more neutral place. So I apologized.
Well, kinda.
I said, “you’re right, I’m sorry I said that, but I am annoyed that I was the one cleaning up all your stuff that you’ve been leaving everywhere…”
yikes.
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A true apology does not include the word “but”
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A true apology keeps the focus on your actions
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A true apology does not get caught up in who is more to blame or who started it
Clearly I had not given Nate a true apology. Luckily, the conversation did not end there because I had Harriet Lerner in the back of my mind from listening to this podcast, so I tried again…
“I’m sorry I was sassy, and I’m sorry I gave you a half-assed apology”
And then…I just left it at that.
No ‘but’s, no blaming—just taking accountability for my actions.
That is how you truly apologize and let your partner know you mean it.
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One thing to note, is that if you or your partner feel that there is an unfinished part of the conversation that needs to be discussed (ex: talking about who’s responsible for cleaning which rooms of the house) — then you can absolutely still do that, but at another time. The key words are: AT ANOTHER TIME.
Apologies will be tainted if you try to hash everything out right then and there instead of giving it time to sink in. Sometimes the best thing to do is say your piece, and find another time and place to discuss what you were upset about in the first place.
Defensiveness
It can be hard to give an apology when we are stuck in defensive mode. Harriet says that defensiveness is the great apology challenge, as it is a huge factor in preventing people from apologizing. Humans are wired for defensiveness. We want to protect our favorite image of ourself—the one that doesn’t do anything wrong. So it can be hard to let that go.
But let go we must.
Defensiveness is the arch enemy of listening, connection, and intimacy—which are three important factors in a relationship. If we want to connect with our partner, we need to move away from being defensive and open our hearts and minds to listen to them.
Harriet says that “no apology has meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt parties anger and pain.”
Here are some of her tips for non-defensive listening:
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Recognize your defensiveness - try to acknowledge it’s happening and speak it out loud
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Breathe - being on defense makes you tense and on guard, so take some breaths and calm yourself down. You can’t listen with an overheated nervous system
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Listen only to understand - listen to discover what you agree with, not to have points to disagree with - seek to understand then be understood
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Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand - “can you help me understand, can you give me a specific example?” (not nitpicking, just curiousity)
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Find something you agree with & apologize for that piece first. If you can’t find ANYTHING you agree with, say “thank you for bringing this up and I am going to think about it further”
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Let the other party know he or she has been heard & that you are going to think about it - “what you told me is not going to just go away, I will continue to think about it and hope we can continue to talk about it” — this is rare but important for the person who did something wrong to bring it up again after they think about it further
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Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings - express gratitude, “thank you for sharing this with me, it’s important to me that we bring these things up in our relationship”
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Define your differences - not trying to change anyone’s mind, but admit if there are certain areas of the discussion that you are not on the same page about. Try: “this is just one thing we see differently”
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Just like most other habits in a relationship, becoming experts at apologizing takes practice. As you can tell from my half-assed apology story earlier in this article, it’s not always easy or seamless when you say you’re sorry, but it’s always worth it to move past things faster and not stay angry at your partner.
If you are looking to improve your apologies or learn more about communication in relationships, I highly recommend diving even deeper into Harriet Lerner’s work—she has so much to share.
Check her content out at https://www.harrietlerner.com.
