One of the greatest joys I’ve found from being in a relationship is the intimacy that comes with it. And no—I’m not talking physical intimacy.
The Oxford dictionary’s definition of intimacy is ‘close familiarity or friendship; closeness.’
My definition of intimacy is getting to deeply know your partner’s inner world and having them know yours.
No filters, no secrets, no guards up.
But that type of intimacy with a partner (or really anyone for that matter) does not come without intentional communication and effort.
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In the book Eight Dates, relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, and co-authors Doug and Rachel Abrams discuss four skills that enable these beautiful intimate conversations to occur.
These four skills are something that all people should keep top of mind if they are looking to have more meaningful, intimate conversations with a partner, friend or family member.
Let’s dive in…
The Four Skills of Intimate Conversations
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Put into words what you are feeling
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Ask your partner open-ended questions
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Make exploratory statements to help open up your partner’s feelings and needs
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Express tolerance, empathy and understanding towards your partner
Putting into words what you are feeling
“I feel” statements are important for intimate conversations because they help your partner understand you better. If you openly express yourself, that vulnerability gives your partner a chance to help support you through whatever you’re feeling at that moment.
A few examples:
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“I feel really anxious right now because of all of the COVID-19 new and me not having my job…can I vent to you?”
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“I feel loved and appreciated when you help with the chores around the house…thanks for doing that”
Not only is it important for your parter to know what you feel, but also why.
In Eight Dates, Dr. Gottman says…
“Now talk about WHY you have these feelings. This might include a description of the events that led to a feeling, a story from your childhood, an observation, or an insight or revelation that you’ve had. Anything that draws a connection between the feeling and what you think caused the feeling.”
Examples of this could be:
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“I feel neglected when you’re on your phone during dinner because quality time is important to me, and this is one of our only times to connect after the work day”
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“I feel close to you when you open up to me and tell me how you’re feeling in the moment. It gives me a chance to understand you better, and that makes me happy”
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“I feel belittled when you question me in front of my friends/family because it feels like you’re not on my team—can we talk about that?”
While using “I feel” statements is one of those ‘common sense’ type skills, I always find it difficult to remember to practice using them in the moment.
It’s easier to point blame at others than to reflect inwardly about why you’re triggered. Mastering this skill is not easy, but I believe it to be extremely important.
Asking your partner open-ended questions
One of the easiest ways to shut down a conversation is to ask Yes/No questions
“Did you have a good day?”
“Yeah, it was pretty good—the usual”
“That’s good. Who’s turn is it to cook dinner tonight?”
“Mine I think, I’ll get started now”
That type of conversation is going to stay very surface-level.
On the flip side, one of the easiest ways to encourage an intimate conversation is through open-ended questions.
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“How did that make you feel?”
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“What does this remind you of from your personal history?”
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“What are your goals for XYZ situation?”
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“Can you elaborate? I want to make sure I am understanding the full story”
Those questions do a much better job at opening the door for additional conversation to take place.
Making exploratory statements
Similarly to open-ended questions, exploratory statements show your partner you are interested in what they have to say, and push them to keep the conversation going.
Some examples of great exploratory statements:
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“Talk to me, I am listening”
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“Tell me what you need from me”
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“Help me understand your point of view”
These types of statements reassure your partner that you’re there to listen and understand.
Expressing tolerance, empathy and understanding
I’d argue that this is the most important of the four skills because above all else, you want your partner to know that you support them.
Try saying one of these types of statements in your next intimate conversation with your partner to show them you are on their side.
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“I understand how you feel”
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“That would make me sad, too”
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“I’m so excited for you, thank you for sharing this with me”
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“No wonder you felt upset”
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Intimate conversations are such a huge part of being in a relationship, and all four of these skills play a large role in making those types of conversations happen.
Which one of these four skills do you need to sharpen?
Personally, I am working on putting into words what I am feeling through using more “I feel” statements.
