“let’s talk about sex anxiety”

read time - 10 minutes

Disclaimer + trigger warning: I discuss the affects sexual trauma on feeling safe in this blog post. If you or anyone you know needs support or resources, please check out https://www.rainn.org/ (US) or https://www.rainn.org/international-sexual-assault-resources (international)

All I’m thinking about as I sit down to write this article is that my most loyal blog readers are my parents—HI MOM AND DAD!!!!

Today’s topic is one that I am most certainly not an “expert” at by any means.

As an aside, I wouldn’t consider myself an expert at much, really. I prefer to consider myself a life-long learner, because it’s so much less fun to assume you have all the answers.

Anyways…the reason I did decide to write about this, despite levels of discomfort, is because I think the topic of sex and sex anxiety is so important to discuss openly and create conversation around.

Especially because the mainstream narratives we hear and see can be confusing or inaccurate.

I’m putting a spin on the Salt-N-Pepa song lyric of “let’s talk about sex, baby” and changing it to “let’s talk about sex anxiety”!

Still kinda rhymes...right?

Although there are many different directions a conversation around sex and physical intimacy can go in, the reason I’d like to focus on sex anxiety specifically is because it’s a frequently asked question amongst my clients and online community.

In addition, it’s probably no surprise that sex anxiety and relationship anxiety can go hand-in-hand (though, they certainly don’t have to!).

Specifically today, I’m going to try to address the below worry (submitted from my email community):

“I don’t know if you usually talk about this but how sex has changed (because that’s a big issue for me with my relationship anxiety and how I always think it could be “better” or that I could be enjoying myself more if I was with the “right person”)”

The part that stands out to me most in this submission (1. because I resonate, and 2. because I know my clients and community do, too) is the piece around “I always think it could be “better” or that I could be enjoying myself more if I was with the “right person.”

Let’s explore that by discussing three considerations:

1. Expectations vs. reality

2. “Context”

3. Were responsible for “owning” our sexual fulfillment

Expectation vs. reality

I bet if you took some time to visualize your “sex-pectations,” they’d include some of the following:

• Passion and infatuation

• Constant longing for your partner(s)

• Always “turned on” and “ready to go”

• Ripping each other’s clothes off

• Every sexual interaction feels pleasurable and fulfilling for everyone involved

• No distractions, complete focus on the experience

• No “disappointments” or dissatisfaction

• Major “spark” and “chemistry” with your sexual partner

• You know each other’s needs without having to discuss it

Maybe you can even think of some of your favorite sex scenes in the movies...

• Noah and Allie getting drenched in the rain and him carrying her up the stairs (while kissing the whole time and being completely “locked in”), and then “making love” slowly and romantically in The Notebook

• Mr. and Mrs. Smith, married spies on an opposite mission trying to shoot each other and destroying their own house, then realizing their love and longing for one another is greater than their missions and having sex

• In Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian pushes the limits with BDSM, and despite initially being hesitant about it, Anastasia is so infatuated with him that she becomes more open-minded and willing to try new things to please him

• [insert yours here]

The media has so many different narratives for what sex “should be” like, or in some cases, what it “should not be” like.

And we’ve been soaking them in subconsciously our whole lives.

Whether you were raised in a home or culture where sex was deemed as “bad” or “wrong” or not, we’ve gotten mixed messages: save yourself for “the one,” but also “be free and wild and sexy.”

It’s confusing as f*ck. Excuse my language.

And don’t get me started on how little is taught in schools about what sex actually is or isn’t. We’re barely even taught the human anatomy, and we’re certainly not taught anything about our own pleasure or sexual wellbeing.

As the older sibling, I felt in the dark about sex unless I talked to my friends or their older sisters (sorry Mom and Dad...you weren’t my go-to’s!).

And even then, it’s not like they were the most reliable sources.

All of this leads to having a slew of expectations around what sex is or isn’t, meanwhile our reality may be far from that.

Even if our sexual ‘reality’ is pretty good, or maybe even great, if we’re expecting perfection we’re going to be extremely disappointed.

And being disappointed, no surprise, will lead to us feeling anxious or like we’re doing something wrong.

Look-I’m not here to say “sex should be boring and awful! you’re expecting too much!”

HOWEVER, and this is a big however, we also need to really examine our expectations and see if they’re empowering or causing us to feel shame, anxiety, and guilt.

Sex can of course be enjoyable (and for many of us, that’s the intention!), however, if we’re putting it on an impossible pedestal, we’re shooting ourselves in the foot.

Instead of expecting perfection and falling short, why not stay curious and open-minded to shaping sexual fulfillment that feels good for YOU, uniquely, and holding space for that to take time to cultivate?

Sexual fulfillment isn’t “there” or “not there” with no way to change or grow.

It’s something we can decide to take ownership of so that we can create a reality where our sex lives are more in line with our own, authentic “sex-pectations”...

“Context”

I’ve been reading Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator, and OOF does it have some juicy information in it.

One of the most important takeaway’s from the book so far is that context is hugely important when it comes to sex.

What type of context, you ask?

Well, it’s a combination of your emotions, your relationship, your feelings about your body, and your attitudes towards sex.

When you take a step back and look at those four components of context, you realize just how much can affect your sexual fulfillment.

Stressed out? Feeling anxious about your relationship? Having a “blah” body image day? Feeling like your sex life is not good enough? Mix in one or all of these and your context is not quite set up for the most ‘sexual success’, so to speak.

On the flip side, if you were to be feeling relaxed, feeling safe and connected in your relationship, feeling content with your body (even if just for a moment), and were approaching sex in a curious way, not a way with expectations and worries—perhaps your context is set up for more ‘sexual success.’ (this is easier said than done, just illustrating an example).

Important disclaimer: some people do not have the luxury of feeling safe and secure due to sexual trauma. This can, and absolutely does, have an affect on sex. Please see resources linked at the top of the blog post if you need more information or support. I’m sending you so much love.

Emily Nagoski shares that “Stress, self-compassion, trauma history, relationship satisfaction, and other emotional factors have far more influence on a woman’s sexual desire than any hormone.” This is hugely important for anyone to know if they’re experiencing sex anxiety.

And before you get panicky about “relationship satisfaction,” please know this isn’t automatically saying your partner is the problem. Our relationship anxiety (if we’re in a safe, loving relationship) is something we can work on internally to help shift relationship satisfaction, if we want to!

Based on my own personal experience, and my clients and community, I have a feeling that our sexual context is likely out of whack more times than not.

I mean, first of all, we’ve been living through a global pandemic with two years of first-hand or secondary trauma (seeing others go through a traumatic experience).

And if our nervous systems are overwhelmed, it’s really hard to find safety and stability.

So that’s a huge elephant in the room when it comes to our sex lives the last two years.

However, on a more personal level, you likely have a lot going on in your world too: work stress, chores around the house, stress caused from relationship anxiety/rocd, challenges with friends or family, a never-ending to do list...you name it.

These are all important to be aware of, and it’s critical that we take time to ourselves to pour back into our own wellbeing.

Last thing I will add about context is that when we’re busy analyzing our pleasure in the moment, we’re not allowing ourselves to experience it or be present.

As the lovely email community member said—”I always think it could be “better” or that I could be enjoying myself more if I was with the “right person”

And as counterintuitive and twisted as this sounds...the simple act of you thinking it could be better or enjoying it more with someone else is exactly what’s causing your lack of enjoyment.

I think we can all agree that hyper-fixating about what’s missing or lacking isn’t a great way to help us get more of what we want and desire...

Now, what the heck do we do about it?

Were responsible for “owning” our sexual fulfillment

I could write a whole blog post on this one topic: owning our sexual fulfillment.

I’ll try to keep it as simple as possible with a few key pillars:

• Getting curious about and learning your own needs and desires. What turns you on and off? Get specific. What do you enjoy or not enjoy? (for yourself, or with a partner(s)). Experiment and become well-versed in your own pleasure. (More to come on how to actually explore this at the bottom of the article!)

• Communicating said needs and desires (and turn offs or boundaries) w/ partner(s). Much to our dismay, our partner’s are not mind-readers and are not responsible for knowing what feels good or not good to us. We’re unique individuals. We experience pain and pleasure differently. We like different things. It’s our job to help our partner understand us.

• Having empathy, compassion, and patience for yourself and your partner(s). Your sexual wellbeing is a marathon, not a sprint. You have your whole lifetime to explore and be curious about your needs, as well as anyone you’re in relationship with. Give yourself empathy, compassion, and patience, and offer those to anyone you’re engaging with sexually. We’re humans with needs for safety, love, and connection. The more we can approach this topic with kindness and open-mindedness (towards ourselves and others), the less anxiety will likely trickle in.

• Know what “puts the brakes” on your desire and pleasure. Dr. Nagoski shares that “The monitor in your emotional brain prioritizes based on survival needs. [When you ask yourself if you want sex,] If your answer is “I’m too damn tired and lonely to be a woman who has sex,” that’s a fantastic answer! It means your fatigue and loneliness are hitting your brakes...and the way to turn off your brakes it to get more rest and find more connection with loved ones you trust. Those are not easy things to do—if they were easy, you’d be doing them already—but they are important, even without the incentive of having more and better sex.” This means, if your exhaustion is preventing you from wanting sex or pleasure, you have some boundaries to put in place in your life (if possible) to course correct. It’s up to YOU, not anyone else, to decide what’s inhibiting your sex life from being what you want it to be and take action.

We’ve talked about our “sex-pectations,” how sexual context matters a whole lot, and that it’s your job to take ownership of and responsibility for your sexual wellbeing.

And if you’re thinking to yourself “okay, Sarah, I think I’m hearing what you’re saying and want to take action, but I still don’t fully understand what to do next”—KEEP READING!

As I shared earlier, I don’t consider myself a sex expert by any means.

I’m on my own unique journey to unpack old beliefs around sex and intimacy that are blocking me from connecting more deeply to Nate, and sex anxiety still comes up from time to time—I’m human.

When I am not as confident about a subject, or feel like I could use more information or more practice—one of my favorite things to do is seek out expert’s opinions.

There is so much wisdom out there these days, thankfully.

Be it in books, podcasts, therapy or coaching, or even with apps on your phone.

It can definitely be overwhelming to know where to start to seek out more information on sex and intimacy, and that’s why I am SO. DANG. EXCITED. to share with you all that I have teamed up with an incredible app called Emjoy to help you begin your journey to more pleasure and confidence sexually. 

EDITED February 2024: I no longer am a partner of Emjoy (their partnership program changed) but still highly recommend the app :)

Emjoy excites me for so many reasons.

Their mission is “to normalize female sexual wellbeing as a key part of wider wellbeing and self-care. We believe every woman has the right to experience pleasure. Freely.” (SAME!)

Through their app, you can learn about yourself, your body & your relationships, learn techniques and be guided through practices to help you connect more to yourself and your partner(s), and/or spark your imagination through their “sexy stories.”

Currently, Emjoy is helping over 300,000 women achieve sexual wellbeing goals.

One of my absolute FAVORITE parts about the Emjoy team is that they know humans aren’t one size fits all, and their app helps you curate your UNIQUE and personal journey based on your specific goals. (and even helps you track your progress!)

The app has over 500 audios of science-backed content created by sex and relationship experts. I have two collections on the app myself, the first is “Relationship Anxiety” and the second is “Love or Infatuation?”

I’m thrilled to be helping to spread these messages with the app’s users.

Some other great collections that I think tie in nicely with this blog post today are:

• Discover Your Body, and, Body Acceptance (a huge barrier to sex is body image)

• Sexual Trauma, and, Healing from Abuse (also recommend getting additional support for this if you have never processed it before)

• Orgasm Anxiety, and, Staying Present

• Discover What You Like, Ask for What You Want

• Communicate Your Needs

I’ve been so excited to share this app with you and to help support Emjoy’s mission of normalizing female sexual wellbeing as a key part of wider wellbeing and self-care.

Let’s start creating a world with less shame and anxiety around sex, shall we?!

Who’s with me?!!!

What other questions around sex or sex anxiety would you like me to write about? Comment below and I will consider for future blog topics!

*note from community member who read this email: if you experience pain with sex - consider seeking out a pelvic floor physical therapist!