living together

Last week, I asked my followers on Instagram about their best advice for people who are looking to 'up their game' when living with their partner.

Nate and I have been living together for just about six months now, and I think we are getting into our groove. But I know there are people who have been doing this for way longer than we have...so I wanted to hear from the experts!

Before we dive into what I heard, I wanted to share the things I've learned on my own from the last six months with Nate.

My takeaways from living together have been:

• If you didn't cook the meal, that means you're on cleaning duty

• We do better sleeping with our own blankets instead of sharing, otherwise someone tends to 'hog the sheets'

• Saying 'thank you' for small things throughout the day to show appreciation for your partner goes a long way—even if it's something small or expected

• Picking your battles is huge, so I stopped caring about the toilet seat being up or down

Alright, now let's hear from my community!

Here are some of my favorite responses, broken down by theme:

Communication x Chores ///

For whatever reason, a lot of the advice given about communication also lined up with chores and cleaning around the house.

• "For us, I’d say just communicating about the day/week ahead helps so much so we can figure out how to allocate cooking/cleaning/other responsibilities accordingly!"

• "The best thing for us is just making sure that we clean/communicate about cleaning schedules when we are able. My husband and I share responsibility well. He knows if I’m busy working all day, it’s his job to make the space nice for me (and vice versa). The toilet is his domain to clean. He hates laundry and I hate dishes so I do laundry and he does dishes (usually). We rarely argue or fight, and it’s never about chores."

• "We recognize that it’s not always going to be 50-50. Depending on what the other person has going on, sometimes it might be 80-20. Not keeping score is helpful. Just step in when you both need extra support!"

• "Get clear on roles and responsibilities. This took us 15 years to master"

• "Communication in every way as much as possible has been huge for us!"

• "Yes to saying THANK YOU. It’s such a small thing but makes such a difference. Even though we each have our own agreed separate chores, still remember to thank the other person for doing it & that makes such a difference in feeling appreciated and not taken for granted."

• "Understanding what your partner’s biggest peeves are - I make sure to pick up my hair in the bathroom and [my partner] doesn’t dare to move my plants"

I think all of these are extremely important, and the collective takeaway is that being on the same page with your partner about who is taking care of what around the house can alleviate a lot of issues!

Alone Time ///

This section of advice was something I was not expecting, and was very surprised to see so many of the same comments! Nate and I have been pretty attached at the hip since moving in together, likely due to quarantine, so this was very helpful to hear and think about applying more in my own relationship.

• "Each person needs a place where they can go to do their own thing when they need solo time."

• "It was very overwhelming when my bf and I moved in together so I’m glad you’re raising this! I’ve learned that even if you don’t want to—time apart/ having separate hobbies and activities is necessary."

• "Something new I’ve been learning (particularly throughout the Melbourne AUS lockdown we have been living in) is that it’s okay and important to give your partner their own space within your home. I don’t need as much alone time as he, but through living together I’ve learnt that it’s healthiest to not need to be ‘with’ each other all the time to still love one another"

• "But the biggest thing for me has been openly saying “hey I need space” & not feeling guilty about wanting to do my own thing. Even if that is just a bubble bath & tv I wanna watch solo"

• "I think my best advice is to have your own space for personal activities"

• "#1 I think for us the key has been deciding when we want to mindfully spend time together vs. coexist. We are also learning how important it is to make time for real, honest conversation about how our hearts are doing and what we need in the relationship. #2 This may be a bit extreme but we also decided a few times a year each of us would go away for a weekend to give the other space + spend time doing something solo we are passionate about"

Our partners may be our 'other half,' but it's clear that prioritizing time alone is crucial for living together. And as they say...absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Appreciation...and more ///

Last, but not least, making sure your partner knows they are appreciated and loved, even when you are stuck in the same routine. I also really liked the last piece of advice about making sure you take responsibility for your own happiness and don't rely on someone else for it!

• "Showing and sharing our appreciation for one another is definitely a biggie in our household!"

• "Leave a thoughtful surprise, every once in a while, in an unexpected place. Let their discovery just happen (don’t set a deadline for when they should discover it)."

• "Listen to understand. Find something to agree on. Similarities bring lust. Differences worked through bring love"

• "We’ve been together 26 years so I would say knowing that your happiness is your responsibility and vice versa is number one. Your partner is not there to make you whole, he/she adds to your life. Then comes communication and mutual respect (person, family, space etc...), ability to compromise, be vulnerable and a sense of humor are musts. My husband also helps out with a lot, but what he hates doing I do and what I hate doing he does. This has always worked for us. Also, any argument needs to be solved before we go to bed"

I really enjoyed hearing these 'living together' tips and got a lot out of it!

Hopefully this was helpful for you, too—and if you have any other bits of advice I may have missed, please comment below.

I would love to hear from you!