Hello from Sweden!
I'm writing my first blog post in a juice shop (with quite literally no other people inside) and it feels so nice to be here.
If we're being honest, there were some travel hiccups and it was a long journey, but those hiccups were a great reminder that like much in life, when we have expectations around something, it almost never goes exactly to plan.
Am I right or am I right?
Today, after a few days of getting acquainted in my new city, apartment, and time zone, I am inspired by a quote of Esther Perel's
"We long for consistency, we may labor for it, but it is never guaranteed"
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
This quote (and many, many others) jumped out at me from her book Mating In Captivity. It's a fascinating book, and I'm absolutely certain I will be writing more blog posts with all of the juicy content I am learning from Ether and this book.
As for right now—back to the quote and why it inspired me to write.
“We long for consistency, we may labor for it, but it is never guaranteed”
What does this quote mean to me?
Well, a lot.
It lines up with the experience Nate and I had when we were planning our trip over to Sweden, when we worked hard to create an ideal travel plan, something that was familiar and consistent, and realized it was not guaranteed.
It also lines up perfectly the work I do as a relationship anxiety coach, guiding my clients to trust the process and embrace uncertainty in their relationship and lives, as the consistency of a relationship is never guaranteed to anyone—as much as we might think it is.
First, let's examine our trip overseas to Sweden.
Here are some of the "consistencies" Nate and I took for granted for when we visualized how our trip would go:
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Checking our bags for the flight
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Food/drinks during our layover
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Taking a cab from Copenhagen airport to Malmo, our new city
We spent so much time getting our Visa paperwork, covid test, packing, and mentally preparing for our move across the pond. And even with all of the preparation, a few things threw us off our game during the trip that we had not for a second planned for.
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Instead of a simple + straightforward process checking our bags, I had to split up my oversized luggage into two bags, purchasing a new one at the airport. However, all of this was done *after* we had already checked in for our flight and paid for our bags. It was an hour long process to refund the initial purchases of our luggage, and re-do the luggage tied to my name, and repack my stuff.
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Lesson learned: always keep your bags under 50 lbs for international travel
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Instead of getting to enjoy a boozy brunch during our 8-hour layover in Newark airport, we chose to head to the international terminal way too early, not realizing no restaurants or bars were open. I'm not kidding when I say just the food court was available. Doh! We were so bummed that our vision for toasting to this next chapter with two Bloody Mary's was not going to happen.
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Lesson learned: go for the restaurants you see that are open, you never know what others ones are ahead (or not).
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Instead of a seamless process taking a cab from Copenhagen airport to Malmo, our new city, we had a communication breakdown between us and the cab driver around payment. We took out Swedish cash at the airport and were told that Danish cabs should accept payments in both Danish money and Swedish, only to find out that the cab driver was expecting credit card payment, and ours were not going through in his system for some reason. We finally sorted through it, after about 30 minutes of awkwardness.
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Lesson learned: ask the cab driver before we get into the cab what form of payment will be accepted, make sure we have that on hand.
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As you can see, some of the travel "consistencies" we longed for—and quite frankly expected—did not happen. It was never guaranteed we'd have a seamless check-in experience, layover, or cab ride, no matter how much we'd hoped.
Next, let's examine how we long for consistencies within relationships to feel secure, loved and content.
Do any of these feel true to you?
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Longing for consistent communication with our partners through calls, texts, and in-person to feel connected
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Longing to see our partners with a consistent identity, based on how we perceive them. Example: "Nate is driven, kind and affectionate"
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Longing for consistent routines or rituals such as anniversary celebrations, or weekly date night
Now let's break these down further, showing how none of these "consistencies" are guaranteed in a relationship but rather expectations.
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No matter how much we plan to talk to another person, something can always come up in their schedule that causes a conflict of interest. For example, if your partner said they would call at 5pm like they do daily (consistency) but then happen to get pulled over in the car just before 5pm and can't talk on the phone, that is not consistent. Just because we long for consistent communication doesn't always mean we will get it.
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No matter how much we yearn to create an identity of our partners that is consistent with how we got to know them, they have the power to grow, evolve, and change on their own—and they will have moments where they don't act in a way that is exactly consistent with the identity we've placed onto them. We all evolve and grow over time, and hopefully we grow together with our partners, but that is never guaranteed—we must always work at it, and work to stay curious and open-minded about who are partner is (and who they're growing into).
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No matter how many routines and rituals we set with a partner, we can't assume the next occurrence is guaranteed. All we have is this moment in front of us, and we must appreciate this anniversary and this date night vs. planning so far out in advance. We must not assume that every day is guaranteed for the people we love. We must appreciate them/the experiences we have now, not the future version of them.
This quote inspired me most because as much as humanity may strive for consistencies—or certainty if you will—life is constantly changing, there are no guarantees.
And that can either be paralyzing, or freeing.
Realizing that no one, no matter how much they think they do, has control over what comes next is pretty freeing to me.
It takes away the pressure off feeling like other people have their shit together and I don't, because no matter how much we think we're in control, we aren't. Example: COVID-19 pandemic and how much it’s shaken things up worldwide.
It takes away the guilt over hearing someone say "when you know you know,"—because you can only "know" something in the present, nothing in the future is guaranteed. You can know how you feel about someone right now, know you want to stay in the relationship and fight like hell to make it work, but it’s never guaranteed.
It takes away the stress of trying to have everything go perfectly all the time, because even when you try to chase perfection, life always has a way of coming in and changing courses.
So while we may long for consistency, and labor for it, as Ether says, remember it is never guaranteed.
Instead of consistency—how about choosing to accept whatever comes next?
