"Getting mad at someone for not meeting a need you've never asked for is like getting mad at a waiter for not bringing you food you didn't order"
— Mastin Kipp
I simply LOVE this quote.
There is a bit of nuance to it, as with many of the quotes I share or read, but in the context of this blog post, I'm interpreting this quote to mean:
Our partners are not mind-readers, so we must take accountability for expressing what we need from them and what boundaries we have.
I used to think that having needs = being needy.
That if I had too many needs, I would become the "nagging partner".
But once I learned that Nate can very quickly pick up what I'm putting down if I'm trying to "keep my feelings to myself," and that it's much better to get my needs and feelings out in the open for both of our sakes—I realized just how critical owning up to my needs them was critical for our relationship.
Okay, so acknowledging needs is important.
Got it.
Now, let's acknowledge how to share them in a way that feels good for us and our partners (or friends, and family).
Because there is a gentle way we can share needs without them turning into demands.
Next time you're hesitant to express a need, and feeling lost for words, try this:
"Hey [Partner], is now a good time for me to share something with you? Can you hold space for me in this moment?
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I'm feeling a little [emotion] lately, and need [support, alone time, something from them, boundary] as a result.
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Is that something you'd be willing to [help/support] with?"
Let’s use a personal example to help drive this home:
"Hey Nate, is now a good time for me to share something with you? Can you hold space for me in this moment?
I'm feeling a little overloaded with cleaning lately, and need support with some of the chores around the house.
Is that something you'd be willing to help me with?”
Ahhh, I feel lighter even just typing that out. It feels so much better than saying "Nate, you never take out the trash!"
The way you share your needs matters.
Asking for support vs. demanding help gives your partner (or friend/family member) a chance to really show up for you—here’s why:
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By saying they can hold space for you in that moment, that means they can really focus on what you need to share.
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By you starting off with an "I'm feeling [XYZ]" statement, you keep the focus on yourself, and away from your partner.
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And by asking if they are willing to help support, you are giving them the option to meet your need. If they cannot help meet the need at that given time, that opens up the door for a conversation around when the need can be met instead.
It doesn't need to be so big and scary to share a need or request to our partner.
And it feels much better than secretly (or not so secretly) getting mad at them for not delivering on something we never asked for in the first place!
We can't magically know what our partner needs, and they can't magically know what we need.
We must talk about it.
xx
Sarah
Pro Tip: if it helps, try having a weekly or bi-weekly meeting on the calendar to talk through ways you can both support one another (and yourselves). this way, you have scheduled time to share openly and you can both coming to the table ready to share with guards down. check out my blog post, Relationship Meetings if you’d like inspiration for the meeting format!
