One of my favorite books of all time is Mindset by Carol Dweck. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend it as I think the concepts she discusses in this book are fundamental to understanding humanity.
I will not do the book justice in this short blog post, but the main takeaway is that people tend to fall into two categories—those with a fixed mindset, and those with a growth mindset.
Those with a fixed mindset believe that their (and other’s) qualities are carved in stone. You’re either smart, or not. Successful, or not. Athletic, or not.
On the flip side, those with a growth mindset believe that their (and other’s) qualities are things that can be cultivated with effort. You can become smarter if you learn new information. You can put in work over time to become more and more successful. You can practice day in and day out to become more athletic.
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I’ll be honest—before I started my own personal development journey, I had many thoughts that aligned with a fixed mindset. I used to think all of the best athletes were just born with more athletic DNA than me, so THAT must be why they were so good. People like Albert Einstein MUST have been born smarter than I was, because look at everything he achieved.
These thoughts still creep in on occasion, but after learning about brain plasticity (the brain’s ability to modify after learning new information), I realized just how much we are capable of, and that I could improve at anything I put my mind to.
The cool is that you can cultivate a growth mindset with intention and hard work. This is important to note, because it means that you have the potential to make some major shifts in the way you perceive the world if you’re willing to put the work in.
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You may be thinking…how is this relevant to relationships?
Well, it’s VERY relevant. It impacts many of the dynamics between partners, as well as people’s expectations for what a relationship should/should not look like.
In Mindset, Dweck has a whole section on how the two different mindsets impact all types of relationships (intimate, with friends, children to parent, etc.).
It’s pretty incredible just how much your mindset can affect your relationships.
For example, a fixed mindset can be pretty damaging…
“Aaron Beck, noted marriage authority, says that one of the most destructive beliefs for a relationship is “if we need to work on it, there’s something seriously wrong with our relationship” says Dweck.
For someone who thinks that traits are set in stone, they may think that a relationship is either good, or bad…
“If it’s ‘good’, you should not need to work on it. If it’s ‘bad’, you should leave.”
This would result in many people leaving a relationship once things pass the honeymoon phase, where more effort is required and the initial infatuation fades.
Dweck also goes on to say that “once people with the fixed mindset see flaws in their partners, they become contemptuous of them and dissatisfied with the whole relationship. (People with the growth mindset, on the other hand, can see their partners’ imperfections and still think they have a fine relationship.)”
We all have imperfections, so it’s important for people to be able to accept that reality without it hindering the relationship.
Imperfections are only human, but sometimes we still want things to improve and evolve over time within a relationship.
Lucky for us “the growth mindset says…you, your partner, and the relationship—are capable of growth and change.”
This is amazing news! And very inspiring if you ask me.
You can see why having a growth mindset is so important when it comes to the way you view your loved ones, as compared to a fixed mindset.
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In the thick of my relationship anxiety, it was extremely helpful to practice thinking with a growth mindset. Here are a few examples of the ways I’ve had to flip my inner dialogue to get through those times.
FIXED: “I’m feeling anxious about me and Nate’s relationship, which means that something must be wrong. I should end things”
GROWTH: “Right now I feel worried for our future, but I know that I can continue to heal my relationship anxiety and work through these feelings to find peace and happiness”
FIXED: “XYZ is annoying me about Nate, he must not be the right partner for me”
GROWTH: “I’m feeling a bit annoyed, so I should tell Nate how I am feeling to talk through it. I understand that my annoyance may just be a projection, and something I have to work through on my own, but I will still bring it up so I don’t let the dust settle.”
FIXED: “The honeymoon phase should last forever, so the fact I am feeling less infatuated with Nate must be a bad sign”
GROWTH: “I know that my partnership with Nate will continue to grow and strengthen over time, and while the honeymoon phase was beautiful, the here-and-now companionate love is just as beautiful”
As you can see, the fixed mindset version of these thoughts would not have been very helpful to a long-lasting relationship…
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I’ll leave you with some additional fixed/growth mindset examples outside the world of relationship anxiety. If you tend to lean towards the fixed mindset view, you are not alone, however maybe this will inspire you to bring awareness to your thought patterns.
FIXED: “My partner can’t change”
GROWTH: “With the willingness to try and effort, my partner can change”
*note: just because someone has the potential to change does not mean they will, they have to take action towards it themselves
FIXED: “Our relationship right now is as good as its going to get…”
GROWTH: “I’d like to strengthen my relationship, so I am going to learn more about what makes a relationship successful and talk to my partner about trying new ways to spice things up! I know that we are capable of improving things if we put in the work”
FIXED: “My partner should be able to read my mind, and if they don’t know me well enough by now…that’s a sign we aren’t meant for each other”
GROWTH: “Just like I cannot know every thought in my partner’s head, they cannot know every thought in mine. I will continue to communicate my needs throughout our relationship so my partner is set up for success”
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If you’re interested in checking out Mindset by Carol Dweck, I’ve linked it below!
