I took a week off of writing on the blog, but I am back in business!
This blog post was slightly delayed because I wanted to wait until my series: Money x Relationships that I posted with a friend was published on Instagram. That series went live last week, and now I am recapping the information here because I found it to be extremely useful.
It’s no secret that money is one of the top reasons that couples fight (and dare I say divorce).
That’s why I was so excited to do a series on money + relationships to bring awareness to healthy communication around money within relationships.
Because the more you know about what causes potential challenges in relationships, the more you can get ahead of them.
One of the first important things to note about money within relationships is that…
“Conflicts over finances does not have to be a make-or-break issue...what matters most is how a couple talks about their financial disagreements”
Source: Gottman Institute findings, Eight Dates book
I found it to be pretty reassuring that the way you sit down and talk about your finances is actually more important than the actual finances themselves.
It makes sense when you think about it. If you approach your financial discussions in a healthy way, sitting down to discuss as a team to come up with a solution together—there is nothing you can't solve! But if you're coming to the table frustrated, anxious and pointing fingers—the conversation may not go as planned.
The second topic we discussed last week in our series around money and relationships were the three most common types of arguments around money.
According to research in Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman, arguments around money tend to fall into 3 distinct categories:
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Different perceptions of financial inequality
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Different perceptions of what it means to have financial well-being
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Different perceptions in the nature about how you argue about money*
*the best predictor of whether a couple would break up
Again, this reiterates the important point of communication around money being such a game-changer. The perceptions around financial inequality or perceptions around financial well-being may still cause disagreements, but when couples have different perceptions around how to argue around money—that could be a make or break.
Sitting down with your partner to talk about your communication styles and make sure you are aware of how they respond best to having a tougher conversation (such as talking about money) is so important.
Since it is now clearly established that communication is so important when it comes to finances, the final points we wanted to make in our series were around HOW THE HECK to communicate with your partner around money in the first place.
Here was our roundup:
Understand/bring self-awareness to your own money history + perceptions, and then understand your partner’s:
In order to do this, here are some questions to consider about you and your partner's history w/ money:
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What were your parents’ attitudes about money
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Did your parents save money or invest
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What does money mean to you and why
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What did your family’s history teach you about money
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What’s your most painful + happiest money memory
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What is your biggest fear around money
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What are your hopes and dreams related to money + finances
Avoid the saver/spender label
Couples may want to avoid characterizing one another into one of two common stereotypes; the spender and saver.
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Spender sees themselves as: wisely using money to live a happy life of comfort, well-being, generosity, health, fun for the family
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Saver sees the spender as: frivolous, thoughtless, impulsive, wasteful, extravagant
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Saver sees themselves as: practical, conservative, wise, valuing money for security, freedom from worry, an investment in the future
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Spender sees the saver as: stingy, cheap, hoarder, cynical
Source: Eight Dates, John and Julie Gottman
Everyone is a spender/saver at different times in the relationship, and rather than pigeon-hole ourselves and our partners into the saver or spender, we can acknowledge that we're only human and value saving and spending at different times.
Make sure when you communicate, that you communicate effectively
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Be conscious of your reaction to your partner. Money is a charged topic, and if you’re only trying to prove how you’re right you’re going to miss an opportunity to find common ground
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Don’t interrupt each other
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Engage with the intent to listen + understand
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Try to put yourself in your partner's view and have empathy
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Seek understanding, not victories.
Prioritize + pick your battles around money
If you and your partner have many disagreements around money, work through them one by one. Start with the most important topic for each of you first. No need to solve all disagreements at once
Be proactive
If you only talk about money when something bad happens, make it a point to have scheduled check-ins so as to discuss money so that things can be discussed before they become a problem. To make them more fun, you could even schedule "money dates" to discuss.
Have shared goals
It can be an exciting activity to start by laying out your dreams, determine the finances that would be needed to make them a reality, and then figure out the plan to success together. Give your financial conversations a motive, and suddenly the conversation becomes more fun!
Make important financial decisions together to build trust
Trust is critical to many areas of a relationship, and money is no exception. Keep the dialogue around money going between one another so there are no secrets, and ensure you are on the same page around what constitutes a financial decision as being important enough to discuss together so there are no misunderstandings.
Remember, you’re a team
Teamwork makes the dream work. Focus on the bigger picture, your vision and shared goals, and what’s important. Try to worry less about how exactly you get there, and know that if you can stay on the same team, you will reach your financial goals.
