nitpicking

Those with relationship anxiety can likely resonate with nitpicking their partners.

And I'd argue that even without relationship anxiety, without being mindful of it, nitpicking can be a common behavior in many relationships.

I decided to look up the definition of nitpick as I was sitting down to write this.

To nitpick is "to engage in fussy or pedantic (excessively concerned with minor details or rules) fault-finding"

A few things stood out to me in this:

Fussy.

Minor details or rules.

Fault finding.

And oooof do these feel so true for the anxious-minded experience.

I can only speak for myself really, and from what I see with clients of mine, but in moments of anxiety, I do feel very fussy, very focused on minor details, and definitely looking for faults.

I actually recently wrote about how when we have a hard time accepting our own flaws, we often look for them in others (aka, our partner).

Today, I want to go a step further as to two of the main reasons why we may tend to nitpick:

1 - Lack of control.

When we're feeling out of control, one of the simplest ways to try and re-gain some of that control is by controlling the things (or people!) around us.

And for those of us who have the experience of anxiety in our relationships, we may feel out of control a lot.

Why? Because relationships inherently come with a couple pretty big things that are not in our control.

• Firstly, another human being and their actions, and beliefs.

• Secondly, the outcome of the relationship - we cannot control what happens in the future.

And to someone who likes control, this may feel overwhelming.

And when we feel overwhelmed, or out of control, it may feel like the only way to get some of that control back is to nitpick and try and "fix" the situation.

We may feel that if we control enough little things about our partner or within our relationship, we can control the outcome.

But deep down, we likely know that isn't true - it’s a false sense of control.

We can't control someone else—and the more we try, the more the other person may resent us, or stop trying to be their own person and only be who we "want them to be."

If someone loses their autonomy, and their ability to make choices and live authentically, we may get what we "wanted" when we nitpicked, but we end up losing out on something really meaningful which is getting to know and love someone for their true selves.

All of this to say, if we can't handle the inevitable uncertainties that come with life, we may feel like we have to try to reduce the uncertainty and be controlling.

So whether you're feeling out of control within a relationship, at work, due to global news or events, with family, friends, or in any situation—know that you're likely going to try and combat this by controlling things, which is one of the underlying reasons we nitpick.

Which leads to the second reason:

2 - the anxious mindset of "if this thing changed, I would be happier."

Another reason we may nitpick is thinking that we'd be happier as a result of our partner or a situation changing.

"If they just put the dishes away correctly, then I would be less irritated while putting the dishes away, and then I would be happier."

"If they dressed better, or styled their hair this way, then I would be more attracted to them, and then I would be happier."

"If they didn't chew so loudly, I wouldn't be disturbed, and then I would be happier."

Whatever your "flavor" of nitpicking is, I'd be willing to bet that you think the thing you're nitpicking is important enough that it would lead to a shift in your happiness.

But will it, really?

I'm going to ask you a question (that I really also need to ask myself at times too, because, I'm still guilty of nitpicking!) and that is:

Perhaps, is this thing you're nitpicking about merely an inconvenience?

Is it something that is not 100% perfect, but you can let be?

Is it something that isn't "exactly your way," but doesn't need to be?

Is it something that you can trust will work itself out instead of you needing to fix it or solve for it right this second?

Often times, when I can distance myself from the thing I nitpicked about, I realize it was so silly.

I may think to myself:

"Why did I feel the need to insert myself?"

"Nate can do that however he wants to, I don't need to control it."

"I wish I would have just let it be."

Can you relate?

It usually felt so important in the moment, but was definitely an inconvenience, not a huge issue.

And the tricky part about life is that when our nervous systems are overstimulated, it's really freaking hard to make rational decisions.

When we're in a place of fear and our emotions take over, we often act in ways that we aren't the proudest of.

So, how do we shift away from nitpicking and into more loving behaviors?

(note: this is not an overnight process, and may take some time to work on!)

Start mindfully paying attention to your nitpicking tendencies and try to better understand:

• When do you tend to nitpick most? During a busy week at work? When you're focused on your partner's flaws? During a disagreement?

• What are the thoughts and feelings you experience right before or during the nitpicking? (Ex: "ugh, they're doing this wrong!" or "why can't they get this right?" + feeling irritated or angry)

• What are the common themes of the nitpicking? Appearance? Behaviors? What are the things that come up most and what are the beliefs that are leading to this? (Ex: if you nitpick about the way the dishes are getting put away, what beliefs do you have about the way a dishwasher is loaded that are causing you to feel this way?)

• How do you feel after you nitpick your partner? Do you tend to feel less stressed in the moment, but then guilty later? What is the pattern that happens?

Once you have started taking mental (or literal) notes about how and why nitpicking tends to show up for you, use this awareness to try and interrupt the urge to nitpick

• Excuse yourself to take deep breaths or go for a walk

• Instead of nitpicking to your partner, get out a journal or note on your phone and write out what you're feeling and create some distance from the irritation

• Ask yourself "is this thing I am nitpicking on merely an inconvenience?"

Get really good at catching yourself in the act + apologizing

• We may not want to continue nitpicking, but we're human. Get in the habit of noticing a nit-pick and apologize to your partner in the moment (or as soon as possible after) so you start holding yourself accountable for your actions and remind yourself of the behavior you're trying to change

Practice appreciation for what your partner is doing well

• Confirmation bias (the tendency to want to prove our existing beliefs right) works both ways: looking for the negative things, or looking for the positive

• Challenge yourself to notice your partner doing things well and say it to them out loud often to get in the habit of appreciation, the opposite of nit-picking

*If you find yourself constantly nit-picking the same things, there is a chance they may be tied to important needs or values of yours, so it also may be worth having a discussion around this topic. Maybe you and your partner can come to a shared understanding about this topic so there is less of a need to nitpick in the first place.

When we take a step back and acknowledge that nit-picking may be more about us than about our partner, we can decide that it's a habit we want to change.

We can acknowledge that a lack of control in other areas of our life may lead us to trying to control people or things around us.

We can acknowledge that despite our subconscious belief that "if this changed, I'd be happier"—we're responsible for our own happiness, and letting people around us have the final say about our happiness is a slippery slope.

We can acknowledge that perhaps, the thing we're so irritated about is merely an inconvenience, not a huge issue.

I wrote this blog post just as much for myself as I did to those reading this, and it was a great reminder that we don't have to try and control every little thing for life to turn out okay.

Or maybe, just maybe, for it to turn out even greater than we could have 'planned for.'

Thanks for reading!

xx,

Sarah