Fill in the blank:
My partner isn't ____ enough.
Tall.
Smart.
Funny.
Extroverted.
Driven.
Spiritual.
Attractive.
Financially stable.
Open-minded.
Communicative.
Sexual.
Compatible.
Whatever you can fill in the blank with, this is your "perfect partner checklist."
Relationship anxiety has us believing that if our partner was perfect enough, we'd be happier.
If they checked off our boxes, we'd be fulfilled and certainly not anxious.
[as always, this assumes you're in a relationship without abuse present]
This is not quite the case.
While it's so important to know how you want your ideal relationship to look like, and more importantly to feel like...if you're stuck with a list of 15 qualities and features that you wanted your partner to have, and a few of them aren't there...this isn't a sign to run in the other direction.
Having a list of relationship non-negotiables (or deal-breakers) is beneficial.
Having a list of things you wish your partner had but doesn't have...is not so beneficial.
Thinking the anxiety would be 100% gone in another relationship where the "perfect partner checklist" was all checked off may be wishful thinking if you're the type of person who is constantly analyzing things in a relationship.
Let me explain this checklist concept further from my own experience.
Back in the day, before I met Nate—if you had asked me what I was looking for in my next relationship (or in my next partner), I probably could have rattled off a few things that I thought would make me happy.
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My "list" would have had "tall partner" on it, and Nate is my height.
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My "list" would have had likely someone with 'perfect' manners, and Nate slurps his coffee in the mornings.
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My "list" may have even had someone with money (or who was financially stable) on it, and when I first met Nate—he had just started his own business and was barely even paying himself a salary.
The funny part is, looking back on these items that may have been on my list has me realizing that none. of. these. things. mattered. as. much. as. I. thought.
I believe that sharing core values in a partnership and being treated with respect are two of the most important things to be looking for in a partner.
And if you're in a relationship with someone who does treat you with respect, and who does share similar core values—you may come to find that some of those other things I listed out earlier are not as important as you may think.
Attraction ebbs and flows.
Money ebbs and flows.
Communication is something that you can learn more about over the course of relationships, with practice.
Sharing hobbies and interests is a nice bonus, but you can also share hobbies and interests with other friends and family.
Being an introvert paired with an extrovert doesn't mean you can't be together (I'm an extrovert, and Nate is an introvert).
Differences in sex drive has solutions.
The point is, when we're living life with a subconscious "perfect partner checklist,"—slowly but surely, we are closing our minds to the beautiful things our partners may bring to the relationship, even the unexpected things.
Nate and I are the same height, AND, I love how our bodies fit together when we snuggle.
Nate slurps his coffee and I can drive me nuts, AND, that doesn't mean our relationship is garbage.
Nate didn't pay himself much of a salary when we met, AND, he's continued to work hard as heck and has grown so much in his career and financially in the last 5 years. Had I written him off for that (which luckily, was not an anxious fear of mine at the time, but could have been had I been sticking to a "checklist"), I would be missing out.
My point is this.
If you've thought to yourself recently "I wish my partner was more _____" or "if they just did less of ____, I'd be less anxious"—I want you to take a step back and remember their humanity for a second.
This is an imperfect human you are with, not a fantasy person.
And as an imperfect human yourself, having empathy for that will go a long way.
Please don’t think I’m saying that being in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you with respect is the goal.
Rather, I'm saying that you don't need to hold them to perfectionist standards, either.
Ditch the perfect partner checklists, and consider replacing it with curiosity and empathy.
Curiosity and empathy for how this person operates.
Curiosity and empathy for why they operate the way they do.
Curiosity and empathy for your own judgments about this person.
Curiosity and empathy for their (and your) imperfections.
Curiosity and empathy for their (and your) humanity.
What is something you can remove from your "perfect partner checklist" after reading this article? Let me know in the comments!
