My mind was blown when I heard that Dr. John Gottman could predict whether married couples would last with 94% accuracy.
Let me repeat, 94% accuracy!
That is pretty incredible.
The best part? These predictions were not made with some crazy psychic powers. The predictions were made after Dr. Gottman studied hundreds of couples, collected evidence, and used data to find patterns. This means we can all apply the information because it’s been proven time and time again.
Backing up for just a moment, allow me to explain why Dr. Gottman’s career and expertise makes him such a trustworthy predictor of married couples’ success. He is extremely well-respected as the author (or co-author) of over 40 books & 200 published academic articles about marriage, love and relationships. Dr Gottman was also named one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. It’s safe to say his track record is pretty impressive, especially because he began observing couples as early as the 1970s.
The Love Lab
Dr. Gottman eventually went on to co-create the ‘Love Lab,’ an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington. This was where the majority of his observations took place. In the ‘Love Lab’, Dr. Gottman and his team observed hundreds of couples over many years to see how they interacted with one another. They watched the couples’ facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and the words they used in conversation with one another.
Throughout all of these interviews and observations, they discovered that only one set of variables determined whether or not the marriage would succeed or fail.
ONE set of variables predicted whether a marriage would last. And with 94% ACCURACY?
You can see why my mind was blown.
The below excerpt from Eight Dates, by John Gottman, Julie Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD helps explain.
“...one set of variables determined whether a marriage would succeed or fail: Were the couples being positive or negative during the interview. There was very little gray area. Either they emphasized their good times together and minimized the bad times, or they emphasized their bad times together and minimized their good times. Either they emphasized their partner’s positive traits and minimized their partner’s more annoying characteristics, or they emphasized their partner’s negative traits and minimized their partner’s more positive characteristics.”
When I first read that positivity was the key to a successful marriage, I couldn’t believe how straightforward it was.
Then the more I sat and thought about it, I realized just how important it is to bring positivity into your relationship.
I used the word ‘bring’ intentionally—because it’s not always just going to be there naturally. You need to make a conscious effort to have your relationship be more positive than negative.
Some examples…
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Complimenting your partner
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Showing gratitude
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Letting little things go, picking your battles
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Making your partner laugh or smile
These are just some of the many ways that you can bring more positivity into your relationship.
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You might be thinking “oh no, another person telling me to be positive—what if I don’t always feel like it?”
And I’d tell you—you’re not alone. I am not a ray of sunshine 24/7 either. Let’s face it. It’s 2020, and been a tough year.
It is perfectly okay to feel and express a range of emotions.
Suppressing negative emotions or faking positivity is not the right way to go here. I am a huge proponent of transparent and honest communication.
It’s just that being around someone who brings joy and happiness into situations is a lot more enjoyable than someone who is constantly upset, critical, or frustrated.
Wouldn’t you agree?
Be the type of person you want to be around.
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Bring joy to your relationship.
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To expand on the question “were the couples being positive or negative during the interview?” the book Eight Dates went on to explain that “couples who are more likely to have happy marriages show the following qualities and characteristics when they talk about their relationship.” Notice, these are all positive qualities and characteristics.
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Fondness, affection, admiration
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“I’m lucky to have you”
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“I love spending time with you”
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“I’m so proud of you”
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We-ness vs. separateness
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Spending quality time together
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Sharing common interests
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Tackling problems with a “we vs. the problem” mentality instead of “me vs. you”
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Expansiveness vs. withdrawal
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Open communication
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Taking the time to connect
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Keeping your guard down
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Glorifying the struggle
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Showing pride in overcoming difficult times as a team
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Being hopeful, not hopeless
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Understanding that relationships require work
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Personally, I am going to keep these qualities and characteristics bookmarked to circle back on.
Clearly, they are extremely important.
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I’ll close with this…
Love is an action, not a feeling.
You don’t stay in love and keep the feelings without work and effort.
And part of that effort is making the choice day in and day out to add more positive than negative to your relationships.
The small moments make a difference.
The small moments strung together add up to a lifetime of love.
Cheers to creating more small moments of positivity in our relationships!
