questioning healthy relationships

"Why are we so programmed to question healthy relationships?" asked someone on Instagram the other day.

It's a very interesting question, and I had fun reflecting on how to write this blog post in response.

A couple things to note before I dive in:

• The beliefs and narratives individuals have internalized about what love and healthy relationships mean/do not mean will be different person to person

• There is no one right/wrong way to be in a relationship—so even when I use the term "healthy" throughout this article, what one person may think is healthy, someone else may have an issue with, and vice versa. No one is right, it's all what feels best for you

Below are a handful of factors that could affect someone's views of what makes up a "healthy" relationship*:

• what they saw/did not see growing up

• what they have seen from media; movies, celebrities, magazines, etc.

• narratives and patterns from friends and family

• experiences in past relationships and how it made them feel

• comparisons on social media

  (*and I'm sure there are some others I'm missing some from this list, too)

What someone internalized from these experiences and messages will have a large impact on how they show up in their current relationship.

Okay, now onto the question:

"Why are we so programmed to question healthy relationships?"

So here's the deal—I actually don't believe we are inherently programmed to question healthy relationships.

I believe that, instead, we slowly learn to expect things that aren't realistic, and then we start comparing the healthy and more realistic relationship we have to these unrealistic standards, so the healthy relationship slowly becomes less and less appealing.

Then, once the relationship has become less appealing, we begin questioning it.

It makes perfect sense, really, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Essentially, as it stands now, many of the messages we see in the media or movies program us to only be satisfied if we have a "perfect" version of a relationship.

And if the relationship we have is not like that, that is when we begin to question things.

We could think things like:

• "Is my relationship wrong if it isn't exactly like these others I am seeing?"

• "My partner doesn't do those things, maybe they aren't The One"

• "Our sex life doesn't look like that...I bet it could be better with someone else, though"

• "They seem so happy, why am I not?"

And then, instead of appreciating the healthy relationship we have in front of us, we start to believe it's not enough—and that there is a "correct" way to be in a relationship (which our's certainly isn't).

Without realizing it, we start to chase perfection.

We start to want bigger and better, because it appears that others have it.

We start believing that the perfect person is out there to make us happy.

We start craving "certainty" that this relationship we're in now is good enough.

There are a laundry list of problems I see with this.

I speak from experience as someone who went through the crippling doubts and fears that my incredible and fulfilling relationship wasn’t good enough.

Buckle up—this is going to be a long list!

Problems with many common cultural narratives around relationships:

• We are taught to want more and more, bigger and better—but this conditions us to have a hard time staying put or feeling content with what we have—Last time I checked, we are all human beings and we all have flaws and imperfections. This includes your current partner, or really anyone. If we keep searching for the perfect person with no flaws or imperfections, or that doesn't rustle up any doubts or fears within us (even though we're an anxious person who thinks through all important life decisions, no matter what...) then we may be stuck in fantasy mode. Plain and simple. Only when we can stop chasing "more" and "better" with someone or something else can we start to build "more" and "better" within. Within ourselves, AND within our relationship. Unless you are in a relationship with a person who intentionally treats you like crap, and there are red flags screaming at you from the rooftops (abuse, for example), always searching for “more” and “better” without appreciation for what you have is a recipe to keep you unhappy.

  It's time to start creating happiness in the here and now, and to begin taking responsibility for your role in making the relationship into everything you want it to be.

• We're programmed to believe that if something is too difficult, maybe it is not meant to be. But since when are things worth having easy? If you want to succeed in a career, or be an incredible parent, or go to grad school and get a second degree—are those things easy? Effortless? No. So why do we keep buying into the narrative that our relationships should be. When we see a couple blissfully happy on social media and. making assumptions that they have it easier than we do—we are really only seeing 1% of their life. We don't know the full story, and we don't see if they got into a disagreement that week, or if they're going through something hard behind the scenes (like trying to have a kid, and aren't having luck, or a loved one being sick and the stress it causes). Let’s release the narrative that relationships don’t require intention and effort. Also, I'd like to offer up a reframe for difficult experiences or seasons in a relationship: the more "work" and intention you put into your relationship, the stronger it will be, and the less effort you put in, the less strong it will be and the less PROUD you will feel about it. This means that every hard experience or season in your relationship is making you and your partner stronger. If you are willing to face these things head-on, and not run from them, you will reap the rewards.

  Practice finding gratitude in the struggle (yes, even relationship anxiety)— because when you come out on the other side, you can remind yourself that you are strong, and can do hard things (as Glennon Doyle says).

• We’re not taught often enough to take ownership for our own happiness. This leads to us resenting our partners for not making us happy enough. It’s hard to take accountability for our own happiness—I won’t lie. As children, we had caretakers and teachers attending to our needs, and so our inner child still likes to be cared for. However, as adults—we must be responsible for our own happiness, not our partners. Relationships and partners are meant to add happiness into our life but are not solely responsible. If you are not experiencing joy in your relationship—ask yourself this: are you creating joy for yourself outside of the relationship? What are you doing for your mind, body, spirit? Is your job mostly fulfilling, or is is draining the life out of you? Are you spending time on hobbies or with people who make you feel great, outside of the relationship? How about practicing the art of doing nothing—no phone, no plans, and simply allowing yourself to be in the moment? No matter which person you end up with, it is not their job to make you happy 24/7—they have to focus on doing that for themselves first and foremost, and then they can worry about you! Same goes for you.

  Focus on making yourself happy, and then spill over that extra happiness onto your partner and into the relationship.

• We are taught in movies and magazines that spicy hot sex is the norm, and that everyone looks perfect all the time. Rationally, I think many of us know this is not necessarily a realistic norm to strive for. However, when we consistently see it, we can subconsciously start to resent our relationship for not being as passionate, or our partners for looking blah in their sweatpants and sweatshirt that they have worn for the last year during the pandemic. Here’s the thing: great connection and sex takes effort and communication, and no one looks photoshopped perfect in their day to day life. So if you're worrying that your partner has lost their attraction, or that your sex life is hitting a rough patch so you aren't right for one another—know that connection and attraction both ebb and flow. They don't need to be 100% great all the time, and it’s a good thing they aren’t—because then that would be the "norm" and you wouldn't even appreciate it as much.

  Having bumps and valleys make you appreciate the good times even more. Having average sex makes you grateful for the times it’s not, and having days where your partner doesn’t “look” like a 10/10 is a great reminder you that their character and integrity are not just based on their appearance…

• There is a narrative in society that "if something doesn't ‘feel right’ then it isn't", but we're not taught to go deeper into what that actually means. We're taught to "follow our intuition" but don't have any information on how to tap into that inner wisdom, so many people confuse intuition with fear and anxiety. When people say "if something doesn't feel right, then it isn't"—what if they mean that your beliefs around love may need refreshing, and NOT that you and your partner need to break up. What “doesn’t feel right” may be an old story of belief system about what love means/does not mean. What if following our intuition meant listening to that voice that tells us our partner is an amazing person, and someone you want to grow with? This means staying and working through our anxiety so we can enjoy a loving relationship with our partner, and not just leaving because we're afraid. These are powerful reframes that I have chosen to adopt.

  Intuition feels grounded and calm. Anxiety and fear feel groundless and chaotic. Next time your “intuition” is trying to tell you something, consider that it may be fear instead.

• We are conditioned to believe that there is one special person out there that will complete us, or be our soulmate. While I do believe that you should be with a special person who you are excited about—I don't believe there is just one person out of 8 billion that will add happiness into your life. I also believe that we should choose to adopt narratives that make us feel good, not bad. So—if you feel badly when you think of the idea of a soulmate, and this puts too much pressure on you—release this narrative. If it makes you feel good, and that you and your current partner share a deep connection, and they are a soulmate—keep using it! Also, we must learn to complete ourselves, and not rely on someone else to do so. If we rely on someone else to make us happy, we give up our power. If they make us happy that day, great, but if not, then what?

  We end up outsourcing our happiness to someone when we have the capability to make ourselves happy.

• We're taught (or maybe we caught on from family experiences) that fighting isn't good, or can lead to separation. And in response to that I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the John and Julie Gottman, who have 40+ years of relationship research to back this up:

  "Happy relationships aren’t relationships where there is no fighting. They are relationships where repairs are made after regrettable incidents happen--and where a couple connects with each other day to day. Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together."

  Fighting does not have to mean ANYTHING negative about your relationship—we create the meaning behind it. If you equate fighting as "bad" and no fighting as "good" then of course you will feel guilt or anxiety when it happens.

  How about we shift that narrative around and change fighting to mean something that is an opportunity to strengthen our relationship and connection?

• We see the movies where people ride off into the sunset, and/or end with a blissfully happy wedding—but then what happens? I want to see the normal ups and downs of the relationship in the movies. Instead, like clockwork, there is maybe one big argument in the movie that leads to the couple having time apart, but then that helps them realize they are “meant to be” and they always come back together. It leads them to "just know" that they're making the right choice in partner, then the movie ends and we're left assuming that everything works out all fine and dandy. Then, when inevitable challenges 'come up' in our relationship that are not the happy ending scenario we have envisioned, our relationship seems inadequate.

  Instead of feeling inadequate—let’s acknowledge we're comparing our relationship to a standard that is near impossible to reach, if even feasible at all, and work on pouring our energy into growing with our partner, not wishing things were “better” without effort.

So—what is the antidote to all of this, then?

Unlearning and relearning what it means to be in a relationship.

• Instead of looking at things from a lack mindset (I wish I had more in my relationship), coming from a place of appreciation (I’m so glad I have this relationship, and know it can continue to evolve and grow).

• Learning to appreciate the necessary dualities that make up a healthy relationship:

• Fighting can lead to more connection and understanding

• Hard times lead to growth and development as a couple

• Weird awkward sex makes the good sex that much better

• Disconnection makes you appreciate the periods of connection

• Doubts make you appreciate the moments of love when they do shine through

When we can learn to appreciate these dualities, we will "question" the relationship less because we know that everything that feels hard also has a benefit.

• Starting to open up the conversation and discuss all parts of relationships—the happy and messier parts. This will reduce the shame around not being perfect, and help everyone realize we’re all in the same boat.

  If more and more people start pulling the curtains back on what a "healthy" relationship means to them, and let people into the behind the scenes of their life, we may start programming ourselves to appreciate this narrative of what relationships really are.

  It can even start with YOU showing the ups and downs of your relationship (to the extent you feel comfortable) with friends so they feel like they have permission to do the same.

You can start small, in your inner circle, and who knows—maybe you’ll feel inspired and even expand to be a blog?! ;-)

(not speaking from personal experience or anything…)

Sending a lot of love!

Sarah

PS—one last note, every person may have a different experience when it comes to their ability to appreciate a healthy relationship...

If you experienced dysfunction in your home or in previous relationships, and that feels familiar and normal, your subconscious will often crave this even if you consciously know it's not serving you.

So, even if you understand what a healthy relationship means, it may not be something you crave or appreciate because it is not what you are used to.

There is no shame in this, but having this awareness can be a big first step in moving beyond it. Also, support helps too! Therapy may be beneficial if this is the case.

If you’d like more support unlearning narratives around love and relationships that cause anxiety and replacing them with ones that feel inspiring, here’s how I can help:

1 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease

2 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!

3 - Learn more about Private Coaching (now accepting applications for September start).