In recent private coaching sessions, I’ve had a lot of similar thoughts come up:
“I feel horrible when I have anxious thoughts come up about my partner”
“I don’t think my partner is thinking this way, and I feel so guilty that I am”
“My partner is able to show love so openly, and sometimes I shut down when this happens” (cue guilt).
And ooh do I get this.
It used to happen to me on the reg—and I mean weekly.
Nate has always been very good at sharing his love with me openly.
We used to live 2 hours away from one another and we’d send daily gratitude texts.
Some mornings I used to read his kind, loving words of gratitude and I’d be drawing blanks…
“What am I most grateful for about him?”
“Crap, I can’t think of something as good as what he shared…”
“What does this all mean?! It must mean I don’t love him in the same way”
I remember how much guilt and anxiety this used to cause.
Partially because I hooked into it and judged it as wrong or bad. I created meaning from this event and that led to more anxiety (more on that in this blog post).
Now, these moments are more rare, but they can still show up.
Nate is more of a ‘morning person’ than I am, and he is usually the one initiating a morning snuggle session.
Some mornings, I love this, and other mornings, I am more resistant of it.
If I’m still sleepy, if I have a little morning anxiety, if I have a headache, whatever it is—I can shut down more and feel less loving or open to his love.
And sometimes, I can still judge myself for this.
Other times, I am more likely to let it go and just chalk it up to my mood that day.
The difference now from back then is that I know that I always have the choice to show up in loving ways, no matter how my morning started off.
I can always choose to show up with love, even if the moment before I had just shut it down in some way.
And that is a powerful realization.
I got a little off topic there, but wanted to share some examples from my own life so you were able to feel less alone if you experience this, too.
What I want to share in this blog is a mindset shift that helps address the questions of “does my partner love me more than I love them?” (which can cause guilt).
This shift actually came from a private coaching client of mine.
I learn so much from my private coaching clients, and it’s always fun to hear how they view things in their relationships.
Sometimes, these insights help me and my other clients, and in this case, I’m hoping it helps you!
Here’s the mindset shift:
Your 100% may look different than your partner’s 100%. Both of you have a “love tank” that you can give and receive from, and each one is unique. That doesn’t mean one is better or worse.
This analogy of a “love tank” felt so helpful to me.
One of my former private clients and her boyfriend had discussions about this…
They would say “well, what if we’re both giving 100% of the love we’re capable of at the current moment, but my “love tank” is bigger than yours?”
To further illustrate this - let’s think of Starbucks cups.
Maybe your partner’s 100% love cup is a Venti-size, whereas your 100% is a Tall size.
You’re both giving 100% of the love you feel capable of giving in this season of live, but one’s “tank” or “cup” is simply bigger and more expansive.
I think this analogy can be such a big permission slip for someone with relationship anxiety.
If you’re on board with this analogy, let me take it a step further and give you some good news:
Our love “tanks” or “cups” are not necessarily set in stone.
I personally believe that the capacity for love within us is just as big as any other person’s, but there are many reasons why we aren’t able to give more than our current 100% at any given time.
Every time anxiety or fear comes up, it’s blocking love.
You can think of all the anxiety and fear stacking up over time...
- The anxious thoughts that pop up and we think must be true, which leads us to ruminate or spiral
- The heartaches or traumas of any past relationships or family (like divorce) that have affected how we show up in the present moment
- The societal expectations and pressures of what love “should be” which cause us to compare ourselves
- The messages we’ve soaked in from movies and social media that portray #relationshipgoals in a certain way
- The fear of loss, pain, our own independence, conflict, uncertainty, and more that can bubble up to the surface by being in a relationship
- Disagreements that happen without proper communication tools to resolve them, so they leave a sour taste in our mouth and cause us to doubt things
- The irritations, nitpicks, and frustrations that come up in a relationship because we’re with someone who sees the world differently than we do
- The moments of questioning ourselves; the self-doubt, the feelings of unworthiness, and feeling shame or guilt which can close our heats
- The natural ebbs and flows of attraction, connection, and love which can cause us to doubt things if we believe that love, attraction, and connection are supposed to be consistent
Can you relate to any (or all) of these?
The more anxiety or fear that someone has blocking their love, the less love they may be able to give and receive.
It makes sense right?
Nate feels less anxiety and fear around love, so he has more to give.
I feel more anxiety and fear around love, so I have less to give, unless I work on reducing that fear or moving ahead despite it.
This makes perfect sense to me. How about you?
It brings to mind a quote I’ve shared on the blog before from Joe Dispenza that “your personality creates your personal reality.”
What if our personality is what’s causing us to “not feel in love enough,” and our partner’s personality allows them to “feel in love enough,” simply by who we are as people.
Perhaps one of us is always needing more and more, better and better, and the other is more content with things as they are.
Perhaps one of us is thinking someone else would make them happier, and the other is looking for ways to appreciate the person in front of them.
Perhaps one of us is more grounded in the present moment, where the other is looking ahead into the future which leads to anxiety and fear.
To shift into a place where we can give and receive more love may take some effort on our part.
I know I know, it doesn’t sound sexy to have to put effort in for love, it should be effortless right?
Well...maybe not so much. Maybe it’s more challenging because of our existing beliefs, patterns and expectations.
And yet, despite feeling challenging right now, we absolutely can change the beliefs, patterns and expectations causing the challenges.
It’s not going to happen overnight, but it’s absolutely possible.
This analogy of the “love tank” has helped me be kinder to myself and reduce comparing myself to Nate.
It’s also helped me realize that a new partner isn’t necessarily the “fix” to this. Instead, it’s a reminder that I can work on removing the ways my heart is blocked from giving and receiving love in this relationship, with Nate.
This gives me back my own power, because instead of relying on someone or something else to make me feel more love, I can work on the ways that I close myself off from the love already available to me.
Things like:
- Practicing gratitude and appreciation for myself, Nate, our relationship, and anything else in my life
- Practicing moving towards the thing I want, instead of moving away from the thing I don’t (example: taking action to move towards connection with Nate)
- Practicing soothing anxiety about what could happen in the future and bringing myself back to the present moment in front of me, where I am safe
- Practicing having compassion for myself during moments of relationship anxiety instead of judging and shaming myself
- Practicing acceptance of myself and Nate as we are instead of thinking of all the ways we “could be”
It may take a lifetime for me to practice opening my heart back up when I feel it closing, but this feels like a practice that is worth it.
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Does the concept of the “love tank” resonate with you?
What are ways you will practice opening your heart when you notice it closing up?
