When I first started seeing my boyfriend Nate, I knew he was someone I wanted to hold onto.
He is the best person I know. He has pushed me in so many ways to become a greater version of myself.
We have so much fun together—always laughing and goofing around. We are a true team, tackling long distance and any other problems that come our way together.
He loves me unconditionally, he is my best friend, and makes me happy every day.
Sounds pretty perfect right?
What many people don’t realize is that sometimes I get stuck in my own head—falling trap to “what if’s” and worries about the future of our relationship:
“How do I know he is the one?”
“What if we get married, but then get divorced?”
“Do I love him enough? It seems like other people might be happier in their relationship”
It feels awful to struggle with these thoughts.
The majority of the time, my brain feels love, joy and optimism about our relationship. I can clearly see how much I love Nate, how great we are together, and that I want this relationship to work out more than anything. But every so often, my brain really throws me for a loop and I question things.
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This blog post scared me to write, but I know its important to share my experience with relationship anxiety.
The funny thing is, I didn’t even know that relationship anxiety was a thing until a week ago. By some stroke of serendipity, I stumbled across the work of Sheryl Paul, author, blogger (concious-transitions.com) and anxiety expert. Check her out at @wisdomofanxiety on Instagram. Even in just a week, I feel extremely grateful for Sheryl’s work and what it has taught me. Starting with what relationship anxiety means.
So what is relationship anxiety?
The definition that comes straight from Sheryl’s website is:
“Pervasive doubt about whether or not you’re with the “right” partner.”
Sheryl says the million dollar question people ask her is:
“Am I suffering from relationship anxiety or is my doubt/ambivalence a sign that I'm with the wrong person?”
This exact thought has crossed my mind many times before. As someone who is dating what I think to be the best person in the world, finding myself having doubts about whether or not I am with the “right partner” scares me.
I’m scared because I feel like I should not be having these thoughts. I’m scared because people always say “when you know you know,” so I worry that if I don’t always know, it means I am with the wrong partner. I’m scared because I feel alone in these thoughts—to my knowledge, hardly anyone thinks this way.
When I came across Sheryl’s work last week, I felt so seen and understood. I instantly felt a wave of relief come over me as I realized I’m not crazy, I’m not alone in feeling this way, and there is hope to move beyond these thoughts.
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Before learning about relationship anxiety, I felt like this “problem” only had two “solutions”:
#1. stay in my relationship and endure anxious thoughts and doubts
#2. end my relationship and risk losing the greatest love of my life
Neither of these solutions seemed right to me.
After reading more of Sheryl’s work, now I know there is a third solution:
#3. learn about relationship anxiety, face it head-on, and do the work to get past these intrusive thoughts
So that is what I am going to do.
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How did I get here?
Growing up, my view of what a successful relationship looked like came from movies and mainstream media—and it took me a while to realize that was not the reality. I’ve come to find out that amazing relationships take hard work and vulnerability, it isn’t just sunshine and roses 24/7. My first trigger of my relationship anxiety is: expectations vs. reality.
Adding to that, 5 years ago my parents got a divorce. While I don’t have many memories of my parents being affectionate with one another growing up, it still came surprised me when it happened. I felt a sense of loss for our family unit that would never be the same. What I didn’t realize was that my parents’ divorce would affect my future narrative for my own relationships. My second trigger of relationship anxiety is: divorce..
Lastly, I’m someone who identifies as an over-thinker, worrier, and perfectionist. These parts of my personality impact how I view my own relationship, and often lead me down paths of rumination, wondering if my relationship is ‘up to par’. My third trigger of relationship anxiety is: comparison.
Here are examples of how these triggers play out:
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Expectation vs. reality: during COVID-19, sometimes the most exciting thing me and Nate do for the day is go on a walk or cook dinner together. If my expectation is “love should be fun and spontaneous” and my definition of “fun” and “spontaneous” are something beyond going on walks and cooking dinner, then it causes me to feel anxious that something is “wrong” or “less than.”
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Divorce: I am easily triggered by stories of divorce, and more deeply the idea that people have tried really hard to make something work that just isn’t meant to be. It triggers a fear that this could happen to me at some point.
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Comparison: Theodore Roosevelt was spot on when he said that comparison is the thief of joy. Yet I still look at other relationships often to see if mine is “normal.” I find myself triggered when I see a seemingly “perfect” relationship and wonder how my relationship stacks up compared to what a relationship “should be.” This one is silly to type out, because I realize that no one can decide what a relationship should be except the people who are in it, but it’s where my mind tends to go sometimes.
Here’s how I’ve started working to combat against my triggers:
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Expectation vs. reality: reminding myself that little moments such as a long walk together can be fun, reminding myself that my expectations growing up for what a relationship should look like are not necessarily realistic because they were based on fictional movies.
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Divorce: working on my own relationship really helps me with this trigger. By taking action and working together to create a promising future, I am slowly laying the foundation for what a successful marriage could look like. It also helps to remind myself that while divorces are very sad, they are not 100% guaranteed, of course there are many relationships that are very happy and do not end this way.
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Comparison: noticing the thoughts as they come up, becoming aware but not taking action. It’s only human to compare, but the success of my relationship has nothing to do with other people. So, I’m learning to question my thoughts of comparison and try to release them instead of getting stuck in a comparison spiral. Reducing my time on social media also helps with this trigger.
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I’m so thankful I came across the concept of relationship anxiety. While I know that this is only the beginning of my journey with overcoming it, I can’t wait to continue to dive deeper into Sheryl’s work and start un-learning my behaviors that have led me to where I am today. I will continue to share what I learn in the hopes that it may help others.
My relationship anxiety may feel uncomfortable, but it’s pushing me to grow and further strengthen my relationship.
