relational responsibility

Aug 29, 2022

read time: 10 min

TW: this article mentions breakups.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately…and I’ve found one of my favorite ways to get thoughts out of my mind and into the world is sitting down to write a blog post.

This topic is one that can be looked at as being somewhat obvious, and yet also really profound and important to grasp.

I also think a lot of people resist thinking about this if they have relationship anxiety, which is an even better reason to discuss.

Ok, enough build-up—let’s just get right into it.

I’ve posted on Instagram before sharing the following:

Deciding to move forward in a relationship involves a lot of responsibility: and sometimes, that responsibility can feel intimidating. Nonetheless, it will always remain true that you are the best person to make the decision.

I think this responsibility is one of the hardest parts about relationships, which can cause anxiety and pressure for those who don’t want to take the responsibility on.

Even just today, I polled my Instagram community and asked “do you sometimes wish someone else could give you the answer of if your relationship is “right” or “good enough?”” and I was not-so-surprised to see that over 70% of people answered “YUP! It’s too much pressure on my own” so far (the #’s could change as the day goes on!).

Let’s get into why this may be.

Firstly—what do I mean by “responsibility”?

One definition of responsibility that resonates with me is: the opportunity or ability to act independently and take decisions without authorization.

I think that this is such an important life skill that often gets outsourced unintentionally.

For example, in a relationship anxiety context, we may look to others to help us decide if our relationship is “normal,” “good enough,” or “right for us” because we aren’t so sure how to make the decision.

This isn’t necessarily “wrong” but it abdicates us from taking responsibility for our choices and decisions and places it in someone else’s hands, even though this is our life and our relationship.

And when we remove responsibility from ourselves, we don’t get to fully own our decision and choices and take 100% ownership of the decision or choice, however it turns out.

It’s almost as if we secretly wish there was a “well matched” device or monitor that would confirm that you and your partner were a “good” match.

Phew, then we would not have to choose.

But is this actually what we want? Not getting to consciously CHOOSE? (which has its own sets of rewards, despite it also having some challenges).

While it can feel also tempting to want someone else to answer the question: “is my relationship right?” and we may think it will give us peace of mind, I think it can actually put us in a place of feeling helpless or powerless.

What it does indirectly is take away our sense of autonomy, our confidence in our decision making, and ability to learn if our decisions weren’t what we thought they’d be.

I, too, used to want the responsibility of determining if my relationship was “The One” to be placed into something or someone else’s hands.

I’d ask my friends, discuss it in therapy, and seek out advice online — anything but deciding on my own.

And sometimes these things are a very important part of the decision-making process.

However, it was when I finally decided by myself and for myself that I wanted to continue moving forward in my relationship (or decided by myself for myself that I wanted to leave my last relationship before Nate) that I felt really grounded in the decision.

When you’re fully responsible for your decisions, that means you are the only person who can be held accountable to them. And that can be intimidating…but also really freakin’ powerful.

It means that whatever “consequences” occur (positive, or negative), we’re the ones who led to those consequences happening through our decisions, choices, actions, etc.

Intimidating? Yes.

Rewarding? Also yes.

When it comes to the future of my relationship with Nate, I take full responsibility for choosing to be in this relationship and consciously move forward, despite my experience with relationship anxiety along the way.

I know this isn’t everyone’s story, which is totally fine—I don’t expect everyone’s story to look like mine.

Some people have taken responsibility for choosing to leave a relationship due to their anxiety, and whatever consequences come up, they will have to accept.

There is no right or wrong—you see? It’s all about our own unique decision-making, and allowing life to unfold as a result.

There is no “right choice” until you deem it the right choice.

There is no “right life” either, despite people projecting their version of a “right life” onto us. There are only a series of events unfolding and becoming your unique life.

Really understanding this is hugely important in feeling less anxious (or powerless) in your relationship and life.

One unique part of my job is that I receive a lot of personal messages from people about their relationships, be it directly in coaching or indirectly via DM’s on Instagram.

I’ve heard it all.

People who immediately identify with having relationship anxiety and feel such a huge weight of relief off their shoulders that it helps them more deeply commit to their partner and never look back.
People who see the work I am sharing and find it extremely disempowering or invalidating, because they have had an experience where leaving a relationship due to anxiety was “the best decision they could have made for themselves” (and I’ll never fully know why that is).
People who are uncertain about how to move forward, paralyzed by what the right choice is between staying in their relationship or leaving.
People who have left their relationships (and even engagements) due to relationship anxiety before they even knew what relationship anxiety is and saying they regretted it immensely and think they lost their “soulmate.”
People who have stayed in their relationships despite having relationship anxiety and still don’t know if it’s the “right choice” because they can’t predict how the future will look.
People who have left their relationship even after being aware of relationship anxiety and deemed that the decision felt right to them because the issues they were experiencing leaned more towards incompatibilities than anxiety.

All of that to say…I think there are many directions we can take in life, and who am I to say which ones of them are “RIGHT” for you?

I don’t believe there to be only one answer, which can make things complicated.

I can’t give you answers, but I can share a few examples or “case studies” of this relational responsibility I’m discussing about unfolding into various different “consequences,” and elaborate on how none of them are “right” or “wrong,”—they’re neutral.

Exhibit A:

Someone who experienced relationship anxiety chose to leave a relationship, felt good about the decision, and thus has taken responsibility for that choice and whatever happens in the future.

The other day I received a lovely thoughtful comment on an Instagram reel of mine: “Your content has helped me a lot! Though I did end up breaking up with my boyfriend after trying very hard for a year and a half to ignore the fears and anxieties that we weren’t compatible. But, even though I realized that we aren’t compatible, I’m a changed person than before the relationship and seeing your content. Going into my next relationship I know that I need to express my expectations, and not expect perfection and bliss. Sometimes your anxieties around your healthy relationship are right, but only after you’ve done the work to minimize unhealthy expectations and communication.”

A couple things to say here:

If you have incompatibilities in your relationship, that isn’t necessarily an automatic sign you have to leave, HOWEVER, there are some incompatibilities that I believe are hard to work through. Specifically, if you are not in sync with life values, visions, or boundaries (and cannot respect the other person’s views on them). I go into that more in my “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” webinar, which you can watch here ($27 investment).
This person has taken responsibility for better understanding relationship dynamics and made the choice they felt was best for them, and now will move forward in their life looking for another person who is a better fit, not guaranteeing when or where they will find this person, but knowing that it felt like the best choice for them to leave the other relationship regardless. This to me is a perfect example of taking responsibility for whatever future consequences come their way (positive, or negative) as a result of choosing to leave this current partnership.
- Example of what some may deem a “positive” consequence: meeting someone who they find has more compatibilities and pursuing a new relationship with them
- Example of what some may deem a “negative” consequence: feeling lonely in between relationships and putting yourself out there for meeting new people

Exhibit B:

Someone who experienced relationship anxiety chose to leave a relationship [unclear for how long or what happened], realized they did not feel good about the decision, and then took responsibility for working through relationship anxiety to continue in the same relationship.

A Deconstruct the Doubts course student recently shared the following: “Thank you so much for sharing this work. I relate to it completely. I am on an anxiety spike currently and found myself blaming relationship anxiety for confusing me - “if it doesn’t feel right just break up”! So I did and then the regret with that, not realizing what I have until it’s gone, I thought the anxiety would go away after we broke up but its doesn’t. So thank you for sharing this work, I think it might just save my 10 year relationship.”

A few things to say here:

Not everyone who breaks up with their partner may have the same regret (as seen in Exhibit A), and my work + content is in no way aiming to assume that you WOULD regret it, I simply aim to share this as a reminder that sometimes there will be unintended negative consequences for our choices, and we have to make decisions knowing that is possible.
This person has taken responsibility for better understanding relationship anxiety and now will work to (I assume) bring more appreciation into their relationship now that they have realized that the anxiety didn’t necessarily go away after leaving said relationship. I have zero insight as to how this relationship ended then got back together (if it did, it’s still a bit unclear from this message), but this person had to take responsibility for WHATEVER happened as a result to “end the relationship,”—not knowing if that would be a choice they felt good about or not. That was a risk they took and it seemed to have brought an important lesson with it. Sometimes, we may realize it was a choice that felt good, sometimes…we may feel regret. There are no guarantees about how we may feel, and we have to accept that it’s still our responsibility to move forward in the best way possible with the information we have at the time.
This course member has accepted that they do not get guarantees. They shared “I am feeling less doubt and learning its ok to be uncertain, sitting with that uncertainty, put less pressure on the relationship and on me to know and figure out if its a yes or no - it’s a maybe, but today I choose yes, lets start there.” after working through the Deconstruct the Doubts digital course. If you have a hard time sitting in uncertainty about your relationship, this course may be a great fit for you to learn how to feel more at peace with the inevitable uncertainties that relationships (and life) present us with. Jump into the course here - you receive instant and lifetime access.

Exhibit C:

We can trust that life does not have a “right” or “wrong” path, and we don’t get a practical way to compare how things “could have been”.

Has anyone watched the Netflix movie “Look Both Ways” yet? I freakin’ LOVED IT.

I’m hesitant to talk too much about it because I don’t want to spoil it for someone who hasn’t seen it yet, but if you haven’t watched, consider this a spoiler alert, and go watch and come back to the rest of the blog when you have watched!!!

Basically, the TLDR of the movie is that whatever choices you make, life works out.

Cheesy? Maybe.

But for the anxious mind who thinks “is this choice right?” “what is the best decision?” “will this work out how I want it to?!”—the movie was kinda soothing and calming.

It was a permission slip to trust life a little more.

To trust that even if you think one choice has a huge impact, things tend to balance out and turn out “how they should.”

And no this isn’t me saying that life’s challenges or hardships are “all happening for a reason, just look at the positives!”—but rather trusting that whatever ups AND downs happen in your life, you can and will get through them and things can end up working out.

In the movie, we see the same woman go through two parallel lives after a “make or break” event of hers. We see what would happen if the event turned out one way, and what would happen if the event turned out the other way.

Surprisingly, a lot of the same things end up taking place, even though they occur in different orders or originated in different ways.

I loved seeing that play out, even though it was in a fictional movie, because it made me realize that life truly COULD be that way if we could trust it a little more.

Living life with that foundational level of trust can be challenging, but it’s absolutely something we can practice.

Trusting that choosing “A” OR “B” could both be great in their own ways, (and yes, sure, likely both hard in their own ways, too).

Trusting that “staying” OR “going” could both great in their own ways (and yes, sure, likely both hard in their own ways, too). As much as our mind would like to believe that our relationship needs to be the ONLY one that could be right for us…when we think that way, we become extremely attached to the outcome of it working out.

This is a whole new level of empowerment + responsibility-taking.

Realizing that all the pressure we put on ourselves to “not fuck up” our life is likely causing way more anxiety than actually choosing a direction and running with it, and allowing it to unfold as it will (and pivoting down the road if needed).

PHEW! That was a lot, but I hope it was a little bit of tough love that you may have needed if you were one of the 75% voting “YUP! It’s too much pressure on my own” to decide if your relationship is “right” or “good enough.”

I took this blog post in a lot of different ways, and what I’m really trying to say is what I shared in the beginning:

I can’t tell you if staying in your relationship is a “good” decision.

I can’t tell you if leaving your relationship is a “good” decision.

I can’t predict how your future will unfold if you choose THIS career or THAT career.

I can’t predict how your future will unfold if you move to THIS city, or THAT city.

And no one else really should be trying to tell you that either or trying to influence YOUR life.

Yes, someone can help you think through the choices, but ultimately they’re yours to make.

Only you can take full responsibility for whatever decisions + choices you make that will eventually create your life.

This may feel like “too much responsibility”.

What if the choice we make isn’t what we wanted?!!!

Well, if that happens…we get to change courses.

We’re not necessarily “locked in” to anything, despite our anxious mind saying we are.

And when we look at responsibility as a superpower, not a burden…our whole world can shift.