relationship trajectory

"You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than your current results"

—James Clear

When I first read this quote, I instantly felt a wave of relief.

It felt like a permission slip to release the part of my inner perfectionist who pressures me to have it all together RIGHT NOW.

The one who puts pressure to have amazing results in all areas of my life, all at once, especially within my relationship.

Can you relate?

Maybe you have pressure on yourself to be head over heels in love in this moment.

Maybe it's pressure to feel certain today that you have found the person that you'll grow old and grey with.

Maybe it's pressure to be working in your ideal career, or dream job—even early on in your career.

It’s such a weird unspoken expectation we all live with: to have things sorted out all of the time.

Does anyone really have things fully figured out? It may seem like it, but they’re human too—so do they really?

We’re all just doing our best with whatever information we have, and yet, many people, myself included, feel like they are doing something wrong if they're not where they want to be at this moment in time.

If their current ‘results’ are not ‘good enough.’

But here's the thing...

Becoming too focused on the result often leads to forgetting about what it means to enjoy the process along the way.

Additionally, it leads to forgetting that even if you don't have things all figured out right now, you can absolutely get there.

So what does James Clear mean when he says that we should be more concerned with our current trajectory than current results?

Here's my interpretation, with a couple examples and thought exercises to illustrate the point:

Instead of having our relationship be perfectly buttoned-up, joyful, and "complete" right now—we can become more concerned with where the relationship is going.

To reflect on this, consider the below questions:

• Are you excited about the idea of growing with the person in front of you, even if right now it feels like you're stuck?

• Are you intentionally nurturing your relationship? If not, what would that look like to start?

• Are you having the awkward and hard conversations in the present to create a better future?

Instead of needing to have our dream job where we're jumping out of bed every morning thrilled to tackle the day ahead—we can become more concerned with staying curious about our passions and developing our dream job brick by brick.

To reflect on this, consider the below questions:

• Are you putting yourself out there and trying new things that will help you discover what you're passionate about?

• Are you assessing what you do and do not like about your current working situation, to determine if it's the right fit?

• Are you learning from people who have paved the path before you, so that you can gain knowledge and insights from others?

Both of those examples—relationship-related, and non-relationship-related—help depict that the trajectory may be more important than the current results.

If your current results are that you're feeling anxious and frustrated in your relationship, but you're putting in time and energy to change that—your trajectory in the future may just be one where relationship anxiety is no longer present and/or does not have the same power over you.

If your current results are that you're not loving your career or job, but you're spending time looking around for, staying open to other opportunities, and/or learning a new subject matter that you're more interested in—your trajectory in the future may just be one where you are doing work that you're much more passionate about.

Expecting our current results in our relationships, careers, and personal lives to be perfect all the time is extremely taxing, and for me causes unnecessary anxiety.

However, when I can shift the focus to appreciate all of the work I am putting in to ensure my future self is proud, I feel much better.

Here's the paradox of all of this, though:

While looking ahead at your trajectory is important, it's also incredibly wise to have compassion for, and acceptance of yourself as you are right now while you work to create change in the future.

If you're shaming yourself for how your current situation is (relationship, or other), instead of chasing after what you do want, you will be running away from what you don't want.

Instead of shaming yourself, if you can bring compassion to this present-day version of yourself, you will feel much more energized to move forward, I promise.

I tried the shame, and it just did. not. work.

So—what would it look like to reframe your way of thinking to move away from focusing on what you're unhappy about in the present moment, to what you're excited about for your future?

Instead of putting pressure on yourself to have it all together in this moment, what if you focused on creating small wins daily that add up to big wins over time that will inevitably lead to progress you're proud of?

Small changes over time add up to big changes. A 1% improvement day over day leads to a 37x improvement by the end of the year (credit: James Clear).

That is a huge amount of change.

So I'm proposing we flip the script.

Instead of focusing on the results, let's focus on the trajectory...

For me, that looks like:

• In my relationship: practicing communication skills, finding ways to keep things fun (weekly date night, trying new places), never stop learning about Nate, and continuing to do my own work to further heal any lingering relationship anxiety so that me and Nate can continue to grow in our relationship

• Outside of my relationship: learning 4-5 days a week (through podcasts, reading, webinars, etc.) so I can continue to expand my world view and mindset, slowly + steadily getting my finances in order, moving my body throughout the week

What's one small thing you're doing repeatedly to build momentum in your relationship or outside of it?