Do you ever find yourself trying to control your partner or a situation in your relationship? Or maybe even trying to control the outcome of your relationship as a whole?
If so, you are not alone in this one.
I got a question the other day from my community on Instagram:
“How do you release the need to be controlling in relationships, and if you do find yourself being controlling—do you let your partner know?”
Before I go further, let's review the definition of control:
noun
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the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
I can recognize many times where I have tried to influence or direct Nate's behavior and the course of the relationship through my actions, whether they were intentional or unintentional (happening subconsciously).
While I know I have learned to loosen my grip and be less controlling, my need for control inevitably still happens from time to time.
Here are some examples of aiming to control Nate/the relationship from my experience:
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nudging Nate to wear something different when we're going out, or style his hair a different way
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reacting passive-aggressively to something with the intent to make it clear I'm upset, in order to influence him to comfort me
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tit-for-tat scorekeeping in the relationship; "I did this, so now it's your turn to do this"
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being critical of him for small things (I remember one I literally told him at the grocery store "you put things in the cart weird" and he was like...”what the f?!” good times, haha)
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conditional love; "if you do [XYZ], I'll give you more love"
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giving a gift or nice gesture with the expectation of getting something back, and then being resentful and emotionally unavailable if it doesn’t happen
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"we have to be more like [insert someone else’s relationship] so that our relationship lasts longer"
Here are some other examples to be aware of:
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checking someone's phone and inquiring about the messages you see (been there, done that in a past relationship, will not do it again)
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threatening to leave the relationship during a disagreement
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needing to know what the person is doing at all times, who they are with, etc.
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trying to change someone's core values or beliefs
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sexual control—withdrawing sex or intimacy until your partner does something for you
Before we get too much further, I want to say that if you are starting to feel a little shame or guilt for any controlling you may do or have done—take 3 big deep breaths and keep reading.
You are not crazy or a bad person for doing things to try and control a situation or person.
You're likely doing this as a result of a little something (okay, big something) called fear.
As humans, our desire to control things is our ego trying to make us feel more secure or grounded, to make it feel like we can be certain over results or an outcome.
But here's the thing—this "control" and “certainty” we seek is really a false sense of security.
Because no matter how much we may *think* we are in control of a situation or person when we try to control—we never *actually* have control of the final outcome.
By doing or saying things to try and alter our partner's behavior or the "direction" of the relationship, we might feel a temporary sense of control or relief, but ultimately the course of the future and their behavior are still out of our hands.
Not going to lie—that can be scary.
To the anxious mind—that feels like a threat. It feels like we can’t get our bearings.
It’s sometimes scary to realize that the only thing we really *do* have control over is how we show up in a situation, or how we respond moment to moment.
And the honest truth is that we *do not* have control over other's behavior, response, or feelings toward a situation.
So trying to control them, or even "successfully" controlling them may kinda-sorta work in the short-term, but in the long-term, it's a recipe for a whole lot of resentment.
Knowing this, we can gain more awareness that our attempts to control are really our fear of the unknown or uncertainty bubbling up to the surface, and remind ourselves that we are not in control so we'd be better off channelling that energy into embracing uncertainty.
How do we channel our energy into embracing uncertainty instead of controlling? Here are 3 tips:
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Allow yourself to feel uncertainty without pushing it away. When you notice it coming up, welcome it to the party, and let it hangout for a bit. You can quite literally say: "ooh, I am noticing uncertainty rise up within me. This feels uncomfortable, but I'm going to lean into it and not push it off."
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Practice mindfulness and start appreciating the here and the now. The less you focus on the future, the less you are tempted to try and control it. This can be getting outside and going for a screen-free walk when you notice uncertainty bubbling up, or taking 3 deep breaths, or using your 5 senses to bring you back into the present moment.
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Remind yourself that no matter what comes up, you will be okay. Part of fearing uncertainty is this idea that we can't handle whatever comes up in the future, but I'm here to remind you that you have made it through 100% of your hard days until now. Whether the future holds something greater than you could have imagined, or harder than you could have imagined, you will be okay. You are strong. You can do hard things.
Once we recognize that we're trying to control someone or something because we feel uncertain and out of control, we can have more compassion with ourselves if we notice the controlling happening.
We can start to gain more awareness of our patterns and desires to control in the first place.
Then if, and when, we do find ourselves reverting back to the old habits of trying to control our partner or the relationship—we can own up to it, admit that fear was in the driver's seat, and set an intention to show up better next time.
To me, showing up better next time means learning how to zip my lips when I'm about to say something to sway a situation that doesn't need to involve me, letting Nate do things his own way, and reminding myself often that my way is not the right way.
What are your thoughts? Does this show up for you in your relationship?
