Has your partner ever snuggled up close to you and your mind immediately thought: "oh no, I need personal space right now...I can't do this." and immediately became anxious about what that meant about your relationship?
Or maybe after feeling really solid in your relationship for some time, and releasing the constant buzz of relationship anxiety in your day to day life—another spike comes up telling you your relationship "isn't right" or that if you heal "you'll need to leave this relationship"?
Or even on a non-relationship related note—maybe you’ve told yourself “I’m going to eat a salad every day for lunch this week!” and when Tuesday rolls around you tell yourself “oh, one sandwich won’t hurt…”
This is a little something called resistance.
This resistance, or pulling away from something (or someone), is usually driven from a fear-based place.
More than likely, it's fear of the unknown, because the unknown feels really uncomfortable.
Some potential un-comfy unknowns could sound like:
"What will life look like if I'm not anxious about my relationship all the time? I can't even picture it."
"What if I stop worrying and something bad happens?"
We think that if we stop worrying about something, things will fall apart.
It's a tempting story, really.
Our brain is wired to protect us at all costs, and anything that feels dangerous (ie: the risks that inevitably come from being in a relationship such as loss of partner, loss of self, loss of fulfillment, etc.) threatens that.
Our brain would much rather us do the thing that is familiar (worry) than do something uncharted and unfamiliar (let go, and trust that things will work out).
Releasing the constant nagging thoughts of relationship anxiety is no easy feat, and resistance makes it that much more confusing at times.
Our ego does not respond well to changes, so it resists changes—even when they're moving us forward in a positive direction.
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Moving towards a place where we don't constantly worry about our relationship is a positive direction, but our ego thinks we'll miss some important information in the process.
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Moving towards a place where we take care of our mind and body consistently is a positive change, but our ego thinks that we're much better off as we are, right now.
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Moving towards deeper vulnerability and intimacy within our relationship is moving in a positive direction, but our ego thinks we'll get too close for comfort, and then something bad may happen—so better to protect ourselves now, juuust in case.
All of this resistance makes it hard for us to move forward—because these thoughts are really convincing.
And the easy thing to do is give into the resistance.
I know the feeling of giving in all too well.
It's easy to snooze the alarm and tell yourself you'll do your morning routine another time.
It's easy to close off from your partner when your mind is telling you they aren't the one.
It's easy to keep going through the motions in life even when you want to make a change (such as working with a therapist or coach).
What's hard is noticing the resistance and saying "NOPE! NOT TODAY!"
The cool thing is, we can often anticipate resistance inevitably arising in our healing journey. It’s human nature, really.
If you're reading this, consider this your reminder that resistance is part of the process.
And now that you know this, you can choose to leverage it to help you.
Resistance can be a tool, instead of the enemy.
Similar to my recent Instagram post about using our inner critic as a tool to bring forward your inner cheerleader, you can use your resistance as a to inspire you to take action you feel really proud of.
When you notice resistance forming...do the opposite of what it's telling you to do.
Maybe it's showing your partner love with their love language, instead of pulling away.
Maybe it's sharing something you're grateful for about your relationship anxiety (resistance definitely won't be expecting THAT).
Maybe it’s jumping out of bed right when you hear your alarm, despite the voice telling you the workout can wait until tomorrow (because you know deep down you’ll feel better doing it).
Whatever it is…be like Nike and Just. Do. It.
And remember, taking this action against resistance isn't necessarily the easy thing to do, but it's the thing that will make you feel really freakin' strong and empowered.
This process of leaning into resistance as a tool doesn't happen overnight.
There are still times where I give into the resistance and temptation to turn away from Nate when I know deep down I’m craving more connection, or to skip the workout I promised myself I’d do (even though I skipped the days before, too).
But the more we can work with resistance as a helpful guide in our journey, the less it will have power over us.
Moving towards the things that scare you is a superpower.
