read time: 8 min
We always hear “love yourself before you can love someone else,” and that’s always irked me.
Why?
Because I don’t believe we ever stop the journey to build more love for ourselves.
Sure, maybe there’s a threshold where if we have zero love for ourselves, it will inevitably negatively impact our relationships, but self worth can absolutely be built (and is built) through showing up in a loving relationship.
So, how the heck do we build up higher levels of self worth, or self love (whatever you want to call it - I will use both of them for this blog post)?
Let’s talk about it.
Before we get too much further, I want to fully acknowledge this is something I’m not “perfect” at - I can still be hard on myself, still be judgmental towards myself, and often care about other’s opinions of me (which means that I’m not always valuing my opinion over theirs).
I’m in this journey alongside all of you reading this.
However, I’m a big believer that cultivating more self love and self worth is a practice.
It’s not something we either “have” or “don’t have,” it’s something we can grow at.
This is a nod to Carol Dweck’s concept of fixed and growth mindset.
The fixed mindset says that things are the way they are, someone is either talented or not, they love themselves or they don’t - and it’s set in stone.
The growth mindset says that with effort and practice, anyone can become better at something.
Ever since reading the book Mindset almost 6 years ago now, I’ve really tried to adopt a growth mindset in all areas of life.
It’s no different along the path towards more self love and self worth.
Here are a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up in my practice of building more self worth and self love:
1 - Self compassion
If we are our own biggest critic, how are we going to feel worthy?
If nothing we do is ever good enough, how are we going to feel worthy?
If we constantly worry that we’re doing something wrong, how are we going to feel worthy?
Self-compassion is a huge, and I mean huge, element towards building up more levels of self worth and self love.
One person I look to for self-compassion insights is expert Kristin Neff, who says self-compassion is made up of 3 key pillars:
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Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: how can we be kinder to ourselves and treat ourselves like we would a best friend, and work on being a little less judgmental of ourselves?
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Common Humanity vs. isolation: remembering that most of our struggles or flaws are not unique, and by being human, we have a lot more in common than we think (hint: if you are experiencing doubts in your relationship and feel alone in it, just check my social media pages - you’re in good company).
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Mindfulness vs. over-identification: observing our thoughts and feelings from a curious, receptive, and non-judgmental place - bringing more objectivity to a situation instead of adding our own stories on top
I’ve really been working on adding more compassion into my life over the last couple years.
One small example of this is a time last year when I was 5 minutes late to a new coaching client’s first meeting - the meeting had totally slipped my mind.
At first, I jumped to “oh my gosh, I’m a bad coach, she’s going to think I am disorganized, I need to get my shit together!” but quickly after that, I shifted gears into reminding myself “you’re not a terrible person (self-kindness), it was an honest mistake and people run late - it’s not the end of the world (common humanity), it was a one time occurrence that doesn’t need to be judged (mindfulness).”
It’s such a small example, but if you start with practicing small moments of compassion and build up from there, it can make a huge difference!
Imagine if every time you felt anxious in your loving relationship, instead of thinking “this shouldn’t be happening, I am a terrible partner,” you said “you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing, you’re not a bad partner you are doing your best, and you have options to learn more about this and move forward.”
It would make such a big difference, especially because part of what makes us so anxious in the first place is the shame-based response to the thoughts.
Self-compassion is the first ingredient to add in the recipe of self worth and love.
2 - Self trust
If we are the type of person who says we’ll do something but never does, we’re likely going to feel like we “can’t follow through” and this will impact how we view ourselves.
Similarly, if we constantly say “yes” when we really mean to say “no” (for example, when someone asks us a favor but we’re burnt out, or when we make plans that we’re not that excited about), we may begin to become resentful of ourselves.
Or maybe we seek our other people’s opinions of ourselves as a first step before slowing down to ask ourselves what we think.
All of these will contribute to a lack of self trust, and thus a lack of self worth.
On the other hand, if we tend to follow through, set strong boundaries, or learn tune in to what we may need in any given moment, will likely feel confident in ourselves and levels of self worth will increase.
If you feel like your levels of self trust are low and you would like to build them up, here are 4 small ways to do so:
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Set small promises to yourself and keep them. Earn your own credibility.
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Example: "I make my bed every morning." —and DO IT! The smaller the promise, the better.
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Instead of seeking reassurance or answers externally, practice turning inward and asking yourself FIRST: "what do I want right now in this moment?"
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This doesn't mean NEVER checking in with anyone again, but have an opinion first!
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Make small decisions and check in with yourself after
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Did this feel good? Did I feel like I made the right choice? What can I learn from it, if not? How can I pat myself on the back if so?
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Practice showing compassion, love and gratitude towards yourself.
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Without self-love, it’s hard for there to be self-trust. (funny how all of these areas of tending to self are tied together)
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Be sure to repeat steps 1-4 consistently over time. This is not a quick or easy process. Keep showing up for yourself time and time again. And keep reflecting on how it’s going, trusting that you can strengthen your self-trust muscle over time with work and intention.
3 - Unlearning beliefs or stories that “I’m only worthy if/when...”
I think one of the biggest myths of self worth is the belief or story of “I’ll be worthy if/when ___”
When I lose 10 lbs.
When I get the promotion.
When I feel less anxious in my relationship.
When I make more money.
When I check the things off my to-do list.
Worthiness doesn’t come from our job title, our finances, our relationship status, or our to-do lists.
I know I know, there’s are billion dollar industries that want to tell you otherwise (the fitness + wellness industry being one of the biggest of them all).
But if our worthiness comes from the things we do, or the items we own - how does that explain the classic story of millionaires who have all of the things they’ve ever wanted and still feel empty inside?
On the flip side, how do we hear about stories of people who seem to have “nothing” but feel extremely grateful for their life?
More than likely, it’s because of their differing beliefs about worthiness.
The person who believes that more things, more accolades, and more to-do list items checked off will bring them worthiness will never feel worthy. Why? Because there’s a never-ending list of things, accolades, and to-do list items to chase.
However, the person who believes humans are worthy simply because they are human will not have something to “prove.”
If you’re reading this and you tend to get stuck in “I’ll be worthy if/when ____” statements, I want you to take a step back and ask yourself if that’s really true, and where that belief came from.
This leads me to the final point I’d like to make about self worth and love...
4 - Reflecting on past experiences that have led to feeling unworthy and process them as best as possible
When we’re born, we don’t have beliefs of unworthiness.
We don’t enter the world thinking “I’m unloved” or “if I stop crying, maybe they’ll like me more.”
However, somewhere along the lines, we pick up stories (subtle ones, or direct) that have led us to believe we have to be a certain way to get love or feel worthy.
These can begin very early in life, and they definitely can happen at any stage of life (and likely still happen).
Maybe some of the experiences you’ve had that lead to unworthiness are:
Being told your feelings were “too much,” or being shushed in public for having big feelings as a child.
Getting left out of a friend group.
Being bullied or made fun of.
Getting dumped or rejected by someone we liked.
Flipping through magazines and not seeing anyone that looks like you.
Getting told that if you don’t get good grades, you’re not going to be a “good student.”
Realizing you aren’t wearing the “cool clothes” that other people are.
All of these experiences likely impact our beliefs about our worthiness, and so a way to shift into more self worth and love is to begin to unpack these messages and shift into more empowering messages.
This doesn’t even dip into the ways where one may have been physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused, which can absolutely lead to questioning your own worthiness.
If this has been your experience, please know you’re not a bad person because of this.
Trauma therapy may be a good place to process these experiences (be it abuse, or even more subtle experiences of feeling unworthy) as they will work with both the mind and body.
In her book First We Make the Beast Beautiful, author Sarah Wilson has a powerful quote that reminds us that good things take time.
“To be good at anything…they say it takes 10,000 hours of work, or building mental muscle. I’d suggest you triple that if you’re wanting to manage your anxiety effectively. Heck, make it a lifetime.”
Swap out anxiety with anything you’re looking to improve (ahem ahem: self worth and self love) and this quote still works.
It may feel that 10,000+ hours of time is too much.
It may feel like you have so far to go.
It may feel impossible.
But the time is going to pass anyways, my loves, so we may as well take small (yes key word small) but mighty steps as the time passes to work on things that are meaningful to us.
And I hope that feeling love and worthiness towards yourself is meaningful to you, because I know all too well how it feels when the love and worthiness is overtaken by self-criticism, perfectionism, and shame.
Sending hugs to you all, and just remember, I’m walking right alongside you to build up more self worth and love!
